I kissed a girl (and I did not like it): On being a hetero woman

I kissed a girl just to try it…
– Katy Perry

Yes, I did kiss a girl “just to try it.” Once. It was in College and at that time I realized that while I can find people of any gender attractive, I am sexually attracted to men. Though it would seem that being bi-sexual or bi-curious would “open up the field” of possibilities for me, I do not see myself being in more than a friendship with a woman. I just prefer the strength, the virility, and hardness of a man. Breasts are squishy and, outside of my own, they do not appeal to me.

The challenge for me is that I do not always look very feminine. My hair is a messy bob most of the time. Rarely do I wear make-up (though I do prefer “statement” lipstick when I do). At 5’9″, I do not wear heels much and instead I wear “comfortable shoes.” My Chaco hiking flip flops are my favorite shoes to wear. It does not help that my clothes are often simple: jeans and a t-shirt. Oh, and further complicating matters is that I love my new “tac” hat with a removable, reversed and muted American military-style flag patch on the front. This seems to paint the stereotypical picture of a woman who prefers to date women, not men. For me, this could not be further from the truth as I like the look and feel of men.

This picture of me is further complicated by my recent purchase of a masculine 6-speed manual 4×4 trail-rated 16″ wheeled Jeep Wrangler; one that I’m really looking forward to getting muddy. While I did not buy the lifted Wrangler that I wanted with the front winch, flood lights, snorkel and camo seat covers, it is still more masculine than the Toyota Prius I traded in for it.  So now we just might have a problem with further deepening of the masculine-female image.

When I joked with friends that I needed to get a bumper sticker for the Jeep that said something like, “This chick likes to drive stick” to insinuate my sexual preference for men, some of my friends started making suggestions about how to “up-femininize” my appearance. This included being clear that I was to not get a snorkel for my Jeep. My shoes needed to be more girly feminine; less earth mama. While they did not discuss my other wardrobe choices, I was also advised to let my hair grow, without trimming it and just letting the ends split. I listened to their words and made some comments. Only after we parted ways, did I begin to think about it more.

While I am grateful for their advice, I do not know that I can follow it. I like my hair to look lively, even to the tips. If that means it takes longer to grow out, then so be it. To me, my shoes need to be comfortable and practical. My earth mama flip flops support my feet, even when hiking on trails or when taking a walk on sand or pavement. I like my jeans and t-shirts. Eventually, I want to be able to ford rivers with my Jeep, so I will need to snorkel it.

Instead of changing my appearance, I’ve decided that it is important for me to attract a man who is comfortable enough in his own skin to accept me in mine. For far too long I have changed myself to suit the needs of others. This only resulted in me being unhappy with myself, well, and then everyone else. Now it is my time for me to be able to freely express myself in the form that is most comfortable to my being, whatever that may be at that moment. There are times when I like to wear heels and shirts. However, if at the time it means jeans, t-shirts, and earth mama flip flops while driving my door-less snorkeled Jeep with a masculine tac hat, then so be it. I’ll probably be wearing a lacy-frilly bra, while going commando, underneath.

Namaste.

Photo Courtesy of Stuart Miles on FreeDigitalPhotos.net