Relationships: Where (I believe) we so often go wrong & how we can choose differently

ID-10078807“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.”

H.P Lovecraft, Supernatural Horror in Literature

Quite simply, we often go wrong in relationships when we enter into them out of fear. We fear being alone, so we search for someone we can feel “not alone” with. Perhaps we feel we are incomplete; the fear that we are missing something. So we search for the pieces of ourselves in others that we feel we are missing. Out of these fears we often settle for less than. Sometimes we try to “fix” the other person to be who we want them to be. Or we may turn the “fixing” onto ourselves, feeling that we are broken and the reason the relationship is not working well. Often we fear losing the other person, so we begin to suffocate the other person or try to “trap” them. It is here that we can lose our individual identities and lose ourselves in the relationship.

In our fear-based beliefs of being broken (incomplete) or alone, we create more of the very thing we fear. Our hearts get broken when the other person leaves, or we decide that it’s time for us to leave. Or we may choose to stay in the relationship out of the fear of being alone. This often creates further alienation of our partners; so now we are alone within the relationship. It is up to us to decide to “stop the insanity,” as we are only recreating our same fears, and this time we’re creating those fears with someone else.

“Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.”

Kahlil Gibran from The Prophet

The Missing Piece Meets the Big O is an amazing book by Shel Silverstein that, quite simply, describes many of the things we do to “fit in,” so that we can feel whole. In reality the piece that is missing is the awareness that we can all choose to be whole within ourselves. We can choose to roll our own ways and, on while our own paths, we can discover others traveling alongside us.

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Free Love: The Search for the un-relationship describes the do’s and don’ts to having a relationship based in love and not in fear. I highly recommend reading the blog. It might help to guide you in your current and future relationships. It may even help you to avoid some relationships, as well.

Both “Free Love” and “The Missing Piece Meets the Big O” describe being yourself, being whole in yourself and instead of searching for “love,” doing what you do. It is in the process of being yourself that you can find others being themselves. If you two can roll together, then do. That, my friends, takes a whole lot of trust. Fear can block us from trusting ourselves and fear can block us from trusting the process. By being true to ourselves we become magnets attracting those who are on the same path at the same time.

I, too, am learning patience. I, too, am learning to trust instead of chase. I, too, am learning to roll my own way instead of the way I think someone else would want me to roll. Some days it is easier to do than others.

So I encourage everyone to keep rolling, so we can all be “O’s” and roll in our own directions. If we happen to roll in the same direction at the same time, then let’s allow it to be just that. It’s about trusting and allowing ourselves and others the freedom to be, without attachment to what that may be or look like. It’s about being free to be ourselves. So be free!

“…nothing worth holding onto truly wants to be held on to.”

Tom Grasso, Please, DO NOTHING!


Photo Courtesy of njaj at

Published by Tiffany

Writing out my thoughts has helped me to gain a new perspective of myself. In sharing these writings, it is my hope to help others to better understand themselves. It is my belief that with each of us who chooses this path of greater understanding of thy self, that it inspires others to do the same. This building momentum is the force that drives me to share, for in my vulnerability, I find my strength. I believe that you can also find yours there. ~~~In reading some of my posts, you will see that growth is not always pretty. It is in breaking apart and coming undone that a seed sprouts and breaks free of its own captivity. It is also out of mud that the lotus blossoms. ~~~Please join me in seeing the beauty of growth within the deconstruction of our limiting beliefs. ~~T.C.

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