My coming out [of my self-imposed prison]
is the freedom to fully be who I am.
And the surrender to the Divine Essence expressing through and around me.
[and one day] My coming out [of my self-imposed prison]
is the marriage of twin souls with my life partner
Unfolding as more than we could ever on on our own.
-Alana Fairchild “Journey of Love”
She came into my room and stood beside my bed while I dreamt dreams of other wordly places. Her platinum blonde hair reflected what little moonlight was able to seep into the otherwise pitchblack room. “Mama,” she said softly as she stood over my sleeping body, “mama, a woman died in this house.” I awoke from my dream inside of a dream and asked her to show me the woman. Without a word, my daughter stepped to the side and a multi-colored, magnificent and beautiful light suddenly, yet calmly, appeared before me. I was comforted by the light of the woman’s presence, though at that time in my life (even in dreams), I was terrified of spirits. “I see,” I said and then I returned to my slumber within my dream.
It was not until the next day that I recognized that I was the woman who revealed herself, through my daughter, to me in the dream. At that time, over five years ago, I did not see the significance of why I had died there. It is only now that I see how I had let go of so much of who I was, and who I thought I wanted to be, while living in that space. I put so many aspects of myself “out to pasture” while I became a working mother whose world and activities revolved around many things, leaving little for herself.
Last year about this time, I began to revive my warrior. It was only natural that I would need her to survive the upcoming year of separation and moving out on my own (for the first time ever). The Warrior’s CPR was performed through weight training and running meditations that included street and obstacle races. Much to my surprise at the time, she really came alive in the mud! Her revival lead to many outward changes in my life. With her, I recaptured the desire to fight and stand up for myself again.
It has taken me until this very day to see the many layers of significance in the “Mama, a woman died in this house” dream. For it is now that I have chosen to consciously step into my Divine Feminine role. This has been quite an undertaking as there have been several aspects of the Divine Feminine that I have eschewed for most of my life. For starters, I have always identified more with Athena (Wisdom, Warrior) than Aphrodite (Beautiful, Lover). This is apparent in my choice of reviving the warrior long before the lover. My affinity towards Athena can also be seen in my choice of simple hairstyles and no (or rarely worn) make up. My wardrobe has consisted mainly of shorts or jeans, tank tops, t-shirts, tac hats in black (lots of black) and red…rarely have I worn heels, skirts, dresses or “girly” colors such as pink.
In stepping into the fuller aspects of my feminine self, means stepping into skirts and dresses that I have spent most of my life turning my nose up to because they were “too girly.” In fact, I vividly remember 15 years ago trying on wedding dress after wedding dress. I remember getting very irritated with myself that it was “taking so long” as I could not find a dress that I liked. While standing on the pedestals wearing all white full-skirt dresses with tulle, I could not identify with the woman staring back at me. Perhaps this is why the dress I finally chose was a bridesmaid’s dress of a deep purple. Ahh, so much of my life is beginning to make sense to me now.
It is only now that I admit to myself that I have desired to adorn my body in beautiful fabrics and clothes. Interesting that it has taken me 40 years to do so. So today I choose to take baby steps in the direction of embracing my femininity through the clothes I wear. To the old me, this would have seemed so superficial. To the new me, this is just another way that I can express who I am.
I raise my glass of Bourbon and toast to undying & embracing who I am (and wearing girly clothes, well, some of the time).