…Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over
When I’ve looked right through to see you naked but oblivious
And you don’t see me
But I threw you the obvious just to see if there’s more behind the eyes
But I see
See through it all
A Perfect Circle
Keenan & Howerton
Most of my life up to this point has been spent doing things to please or help others. Many times I have stayed in relationships, both platonic and romantic, to keep the other person “happy,” even to my own demise.
Now, in the afternoon of my life, I’m choosing to love differently than I did this morning. I’m choosing to nurture relationships where I feel appreciated and “seen.” Allowing those where I do not, to wither on the vine.
This choice comes with consequences. To live more free of my past, I must now shed my old skins. Sadly, one of them has your name on it. This realization brings tears of loss, tears of freedom, tears of sorrow and tears twinged with anger.
As I release the cords that had kept me bound to you, my body trembles. The pain cuts through my heart like a hot knife cuts through butter. I melt, just as I melted in your arms the last we met. As I remembered how you kissed me softly, at first, and then with an almost unbridled passion, I wept. Those days are gone. I now know that I cannot return to your embrace.
You probably think it’s the space between our good-byes and hellos. There’s some truth there. The days, weeks and months between our meetings cause my heart to grow cold towards you.
You probably think it’s the lack of connection in the space between. There’s some truth there, too, my friend (see, it’s still hard to let you go). The frequency of our communications seems to decrease with each parting.
Both of these conditions are understandable and even manageable, even if they both leave me with the overall feeling of lack in their wake.The part that I can no longer tolerate is how little of me you really see.
When I look into your eyes, the image of myself that I see reflected back is but a small fraction of my essence. The view you see of me is incredibly narrow, almost barren in comparison to what I have to offer.
Quite simply, you don’t see me.
So now it is I who must turn the eyes of her soul inward to see where I am not seeing myself. In saying no now to you, I am saying yes to myself.
In seeing how narrowly you see me, I look now to see how narrowly I see myself.
Into the void I return to learn. Into the void I go to see again in the dark, to sift though debris and pieces of me that I’m ready to see (and be) again.
Thank you, friend, for being my lens, for being my mirror back into myself. In saying no now to you, I am gifting a yes to myself. In seeing you, I now can see myself.
Go forth, in peace.