Self-Blaming in Relationships

“Did I build this ship to wreck?”

Florence + The Machine

On many levels, I have blamed myself for the relationships that  failed to root, blossom or thrive and thus dying on the vine. I was constantly playing the “what if game” with my perception of where it failed because of action or inaction on my part. By blaming myself, my failure was in not seeing all that I had gained. Perhaps the relationships had merely run their course, having served their purpose.

In truth, each relationship was a tool for my learning. Each was an opportunity to learn something else about myself. Whether there were elements to like and watch for in the future, or elements to avoid and to more quickly see the red flags.

At times, I had wished to erase the memories: painful and positive alike, just as in “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” By so attempting to clear in this way, I minimized my experiences of the joys and amplified the woes. Thus, denying myself the experience, lessons, and energy of what I actually wanted to look for in future relationships.

Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.”

– Somni-451 Cloud Atlas

May we take from each interaction a sense of what we want to create for ourselves in the next moment. By so doing, we become our own catalyst for change.


Photo by prozac1 at

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