Shame.
It fills the crags, crevices
Each nook and cranny in my mind.
(No wonder I seek for love and
Attention to fill it.)
Shame is
Buried deep below the floor,
The things I didn’t want to
Think or feel anymore.
His hands on my oh so young body,
His grandson on top of me.
The images,
Feelings,
Fear,
Sensations
return to the surface,
Only with the help of hypnotherapy.
Easy to dismiss,
Many have,
And I wanted to, too.
Hell, I had dissociated it all
For over 30 years….
The telltale sign,
Besides feeling my body
Was never a safe place to be?
It was the set of nerves for pleasure
That were stimulated.
To not want to be there,
In that situation,
To feel pleasure,
Even momentarily,
In that position.
It all told me that
Yes, Tiffany,
this
Did
In
Fact
Happen.
The mistrust of my
Own body and its
Desires
Was sealed.
Until I was
Weak enough
To say
It’s high time
To get healed.
See also “Sleeping Beauty: The Backstory of my Sexual Shame and Years of Abuse”
See Wandering Chrysippus “The Voice of One Crying-Out in the Wilderness” for his blog about childhood sexual abuse from a man’s perspective.
Photo by Stuart Miles at freedigitalphotos.net
Tiffany,
This is a wonderfully vulnerable piece. Shame is such a huge obstacle to happiness. Sexual shaming is even worse, but far more propagated. Despite my own highly sexual being the shaming I did to myself had a strong negative impact. To be in a place of sexual abuse and to try to break free of the shame I think would be much harder to do. Kudos to you for the work done thus far.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you! Yes, not easy and yet there is a strength that I have gained. Repeatedly I am shown where there are buried treasures in the depths of the murkiest waters. Gems that show me the light differently. There just needs to be a willingness on my part to sort through the muck to discover the hidden treasures.
Thank you for the read and comment!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Shame is a beast. This is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad you found it helpful!
LikeLiked by 1 person