Create me, Destroy me

Even as I see the theme
so clearly,
I resist its acceptance
with so much of my being.

The tears are stuck in
some parallel universe.
My heart grows heavy
with each breath.

How can I accept this?

You first came into my
consciousness on a
fateful day in May.
In messaging a friend,
auto correct gave to me
your name.

I looked you up and I was
so enthralled by your
magic. Your ability to
both create, as much as
destroy.
A divine balance.

I knew your energy well,
as I had (and still do)
use it daily for
transmutation;
alchemy.

However, now I see that
it is your archetype that I seek,
Lord Shiva.
Yours, the only name in all the categories.

For me,
right now,
I glow in the awareness,
and defy to grow
in this resistance,
it is a painful place to be.

To heal me, out of love,

Not just to be mean:

you must first destroy me.

For me to begin anew,
I must surrender to your power.
I snarl in defiance.

I know the pain is
in the resistance.
The sweetness and peace
in the surrender.
Yet I cannot seem to muster
(or as it were, release)
the strength to let this go.

In being pulverized into
the elements of myself,
I can re-form into
a greater, and higher
rebirth.

Somehow, I was accepting
of your distant God,
but to see it is you who I seek.
I am, myself, to myself
beseeched!

Namaste.

This is a collage I created in 2015. The statue near the middle right is Lord Shiva. I did not consciously choose him, instead, he chose me…