It is suddenly apparent to me that it is easier for me to love myself on the inside than the outside. Is this irony? I can much more easily give love and heartfelt gratitude to the parts of me that lurk in the shadows, than to love the reflection I see of myself in the light of a mirror.
Maybe this is part of the natural flow of involution and evolution. Changing inwardly to express differently outwardly.
Perhaps this is a reflection of how I chose to store the trespasses of my youth. Glass jars dot the sandy beaches in the inner landscape of my mind. The mason jars are filled with shards of broken mirrors; the broken parts of myself. Looking at myself in the mirror, I still see the reflection of a broken woman, in spite of the inner life that is often glowing in comparison.
In one memory, I stood, receiving the unwanted affections of a sexual predator while holding in my hands a warm burning light that never left a blister. I was holding my light to keep it away from his probing hands.
In my mid-30s I began reintegrating that light into my being. A small step in the scheme of things and yet a catalyst for the woman I have become. Still I find myself timid to be seen as beautiful in the eyes of man. Weary of seers who can see my light, for often they want it for harvesting. Yet, I long to be seen, by “The One.” How can I expect to be seen, when I still choose to hide, even from myself?
This calls for (FML) mirror work, my most avoided of all healing tools.
In the wake of many inward transformations, I see where it is imperative to directly heal my distorted body image. So now I commit myself to a torturous battle of wills. The work of learning to love the woman in the mirror.
Each day starting 1/25/2016 and for the following 21 days, I am to look deeply into the eyes of my reflection, telling her that she is beautiful and that I love her; starting where it’s easy to see her beauty and building to find beauty in all of her… Saddlebags, wrinkles, silver stretch marks, protruding belly, acne and hangnails, oh my! Interesting to find myself referring to my image in third person narrative, revealing there is much work to be done here…
For if I cannot appreciate my own outer beauty, how can I either expect others to see it or better yet for me to receive compliments from others?
I started the mirror work process by drawing a self-portrait from a photo, below. This happened organically when my daughter asked me to draw with her. I found this a gentle way to look at my image, studying the details of my face with an observer’s and not judgmental eyes.
A Call to Action
Please, won’t you join me? I’d love company in this journey. Your sparks help to light mine, within this circle we all rise up, exponentially. Have your own freedom in doing this the way that feels right for you!
I encourage your comments and feedback on this concept. It helps to know how what I’m doing helps or affects you.
See Mirror Work for more
Thank you, Michael for helping me to see once again where I need to expand. I’m grateful for your presence in my journey, however painful it may seem at times. Much respect and heartfelt gratitude. =)
Featured image quote from Elephant Journal’s IG post from 1/24/16. Retype work is my own.
Check out Will’s Work