Fear of Being Too Much

The small Alice of the looking glass has permeated so much of my life. My fear of vanity, of fully seeing and appreciating the help I give to others and the beauty that emanates from my being are all minimized. This prevents me from realizing my dreams, sometimes even from dreaming them. For instance, I’m afraid to date a man more attractive than me. “What do I have to offer him?” is my constant refrain (pun intended).

I discovered this week in Mirror Work Day #1 that I fear wearing beautfiul clothes on the regular because I don’t feel I deserve to look nice. For so long I thought I dressed down to avoid male attention; it is only recently that I don’t cringe when I feel being seen sexually by “others” that I’m not involved with in that way.

Over the past month, I’ve walked through many a fire without shedding more than a tear or two. Recognizing that this fear of being too much brings forth a wellspring of free flowing tears. So here I sit openly crying for the little girl inside that I have so long suppressed. I see now the pain she has carried separately from me for so long, being forced into cramped spaces by my hand! I shower her with love and gratitude for carrying so much for so long. Allowing her to reintegrate into my body and being.

Alice, it’s time to grow big now. Eat your smaller self, grow up into the woman, the Goddess you were put on this Earth to serve others with. Fear not your size, the white rabbit nor the holes you must go down to follow him into the Underland. It is only in the shadows that you can find your light, your true strength; your brilliance.

Just when the caterpillar in its chrysalis thought the world had come to an end, it became a butterfly…

To the reader: what fears hold you back?

May we all do something today that spreads our wings, pushing the envelope just a little bit more.

Photo credit

1/25/2016

25 thoughts on “Fear of Being Too Much

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  1. “I’m afraid to date a man more attractive than me. “What do I have to offer him?” is my constant refrain (pun intended).” – Ditto sister.

    In fact, I’ve always settled for whoever paid me any attention. I was simply lucky someone seemed to want me, rather than going after what I wanted. Its a lack of self worth, lack of self love, and fear of rejection. Its not only applicable to this area either. Its true about all risks in life I never took.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes! When I was mentally preparing for the “divorce conversation,” I heard “Better Man” by Pearl Jam daily. “Landslide,” too…covered or not.
      And yes, those insecurities apply in all aspects of life…like why it’s hard for me to wear cute clothes!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. it’s interesting, because i’ve learn to fake being confident… my dad taught me to walk tall. some people think i’m taller than i am. friends tell me when i reveal my vulnerabilities that they had no clue i felt like they do… and so, yes, now i’m working on the feeling beautiful part. it still triggers me. ha! more work to be done.
      i really appreciate your support and insights!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Love this. I think fears hold many of us back. While I don’t fear much externally, other than heights and snakes, at times I fear not being accepted for who I am. So, I can relate.

    Liked by 1 person

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