Turning away from God occurred at a young age for me. My father was an atheist and would not take me to “our” church that I was baptized in. So he suggested I attend church with a school friend. I didn’t understand why my United Methodist (UMC) Bible was so different from the Soutern Baptist(SBC) one. I was told at my friend’s SBC that mine was wrong; my God was wrong.
Enter in the Uber-Christian Church of Christ in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains, where the Christians are more Christian than Southern Baptists. If you’re hearing “More Human that Human,” be afraid that you’re in my mind, take the first exit out before it’s too late! Ha!
This church was filled with shaming and judging; much like the SBC, yet worse. My grandfather helped to build this church with his own hands. Yet, my family was treated with disdain because of my grandmother’s mental illness. Sitting in the pew behind several of the “church ladies,” all I could hear from their mouths was hatred as they gossiped (isn’t there something in the Bible about NOT gossiping?).
So my early lessons from church were that My God is non-existent, wrong, hateful, judgmental and shameful, maybe even evil. Did I miss anything? I encourage you to write down a few attributes of how you see God before you go further, you’ll see why at the end.
God is a Four-Letter Word
At some point, I could no longer say the word God without feeling choked, even in my mind. I hated God. Why did bad things happen to good people? Why did bad people get away with murder, sexual crimes, financial fleecing, etc.? How could God create Hitlers and Mansons? It just made no sense. I hated God. I felt he hated me, particularly as a woman. Women, it seems according to the Bible were either mothers, liars, cheats or whores.
You can imagine it was a challenge for me when I married a Catholic man in said church (well, technically we eloped first and then got married by a priest in a museum on Fall Equinox. The fireplace that stood behind us was flanked by wooden carvings of witches and Buddha figures were everywhere; my attempt at balance.)
In 2002 I began studying the teachings of Buddha through Thich Nhat Hanh, The Dali Lama and Buddhist Nuns. This softened my stance on The Creator with the concept of lovingkindness or Metta. All sentinent beings deserve love and we are all connected. This study was perfectly timed with release Matrix II, too.
Encouraged by a good friend to look more into Taoism (I had read The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff in college after all), I picked up a copy of The Tao Speaks: Lao-Tzu Whisper’s of Wisdom which is a graphic novel format of the Tao Ti Ching. A great way to understand Taoism, IMHO.
Enter the Goddess
While in college I formally and informally studied Ancient Cultures that worshiped Goddesses. I was drawn to the Minoan Snake Goddess with her breasts exposed. Later, Sheela na gig, the Celtic Goddess with a graphically displayed vulva, came into view (some believe she was showing women how to deliver their babies…maybe it’s also about surrendering into the void?).
Then in 2008, I attended a workshop that was centered around awakening our inner Goddess. I was surprised to find Hera was chosen for me. Sometimes, I still resist this. Her equivalents being Shakti and Isis. All lovely strong mother-figure Goddesses. At this point, I could say Goddess to refer to the Divine. God was still a four-letter word.
Jesus Christ – The Son of God was also a “four-letter” word
Jesus Christ was also a name that would trigger me. I had so many misgivings based on the way I felt judged and left out as a woman by HIS religion and his followers.
Following the Goddess workshop, I read Magdalen Manuscript: The Alchemies of Horus and the Sex Magic of Isis by Tom Kenyon & Judi Sion. It helped me to see Yeshua ben Yosef and Mary Magdalena in a way that was appealing and balanced to me. I was beginning to soften my view of God through Christ, because of Magdalena and her relationship with Him. I have since read several other books about Magdalena, all worthwhile reads.
Enter in Meditation
Early in 2014 I began mediating with a group. We called the Divine the Supreme Being so as to not be triggered in the middle of our meditations. This was when I began a daily meditation practice.
A Return to God
Perhaps it was reading A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, or maybe it was A Course in Miracles work that I did. I do not know. At some point, the word God was no longer triggering a desire to vomit nor a feeling of being choked.
Somewhere in the least year, perhaps even in the work I’ve done here, God began to become appealing to me. Now I can use the word God as all inclusive for both the Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine. It was interesting when someone said “and Goddess” after I said God this weekend. For me, I had already said it! This was a really cool realization!
God was a Composite of My Parents
This past weekend, I attended a Oneness Blessing Giver initiation. It consisted of many hours of meditations with teachings in between. In the workshop we learned that our vision of God is based on our own parents. So going back to the opening of this piece: My God is non-existent, wrong, hateful, judgmental and shameful, maybe even evil. How do you see God, if at all?
Based on this, I could see where I was blocked. I could also see that truly my vision of God, though this was not said, was how I viewed myself.
Dancing with God
Within the last few hours of the workshop we wrote down the attributes of what we wanted in our new God. Then we went into a guided meditation where we met our Gods by opening the front door to our homes to Him. Here is an abbreviated version of my interactions with my new God.
His body changed multiple times from the time I opened the door until he sat down on my couch, interestingly where I sit now. My God looked like a hipster Jesus in a sharp black dress suit. My God was flaming hot!
Usually intimated by people who are considerably beautiful, I felt so calm and comfortable in his loving and warm presence. He held my hands and said beautiful things to me that I’ve never accepted from any man. Then he stood up, walked me to the open floor and danced with me while I wore an all white gown. Later I realized it was as if we were just married. I guess in a way we were.
In dancing with My vision of God, he showed me where I have tried to lead; surrendering. He showed me my inherent beauty and my value to Him and the World. Tears of Joy and Gratitude cloud my vision as I type, blindly, yet with a vision I have never had before. He showed me where I can be accepting of man, by accepting myself as a woman.
Without words, he showed me that women wear white to represent their Divine Masculine, while men were black to represent their Divine Feminine when they are married. A question I had recently in doing the work behind Sacred Geometry.
Later, we were instructed to allow God into our bodies. I saw My God move with me into my heart, still dancing. While I do not always know the steps, He is leading me now. I also saw a vision of the heart with the Yin Yang superimposed on it. Divine Balance.
All along I was searching for God on the outside, in books, in workshops. All along He was waiting for me to invite Him in.
For the reader
I encourage you to feel your way through what YOUR God looks like to YOU. I am working on a guided meditation that I was being shown during meditation. God communicates to us everyday through images, through our feelings. Rarely through words. I am seeing this and feeling this now. If we feel God is not listening to us, are we listening to Him?
(C) 2016 tiffanybeingfree