the staccato drips of rain water,
the tempest storm outside passed on,
while i lie in prone on my bedroom floor.
tempest outside shifted inside.
oh, so many times having been here before.
arms overhead, hands overlapping,
palms down towards the floor.
my forehead pressed into the rag rug,
chin slightly tucked, so as to not press
my nose in too far (still sensitive as it were).
belly pressed down,
thighs and feet turned in.
the ground supporting, pressing
my body for the truthest expression.
i send my pain down into mother earth.
please take this from me, i plea,
or it just might kill me.
waiting for her sweet embrace, impatiently.
as the pain comes and goes in waves.
hot lava tears roll down my cheeks
on the carpet
meanwhile in my head,
the beast, my punisher
uses a cat-of-nine-tails,
the ends with gripping nails,
tearing, searing, burning, ripping apart my soft flesh.
down to the molecular,
how could i have been so fucking foolish?
i gasp for air
feels much like drown proofing
hands and ankles bound
gasping for air before
holding the breath,
until the feet touch the bottom of the pool,
doing best to keep my cool.
pushing off the bottom,
arching my neck,
opening my lips
once to the surface to
gulp another breath
before another descent
into the depths.
over and over BUD/S
slippery snot blocks breath
through my sinuses
choking sobs almost
make me breathless
i feel so restless,
yet i know this is my need right now.
complete submission into this moment,
the realization of the pain
of a flame closely matched
lost in the space, the time, the rain
feeling the pain to heal it.
i can still feel the rain, the searing hot pain.
while you plow through my thoughts like a train.
why the fuck did i turn away?
the heart quietly replies:
you know why
you were not quite ready
you still had personal fires to walk through
if you had stayed, you would not have the strength you have today…
more confident, more beautiful, more accepting of so much of who you are.
if your growth had stopped on that day in August,
by accepting his commitment, his passion, his intimacy,
you know you would have stopped seeking for the truth of your heart.
eventually that would have torn you both apart,
for to love out of your weakness,
you would only further weaken the us, your togetherness.
while i can see the truth of this part,
it still tears apart my heart,
to be in this space now,
of seeing all that you had to offer,
while i just turned away my car.
focusing on the 33 mile distance between us,
not seeing myself: the distance was in my own heart!
you were right to be concerned that night of passion,
perhaps it was my most complete (nearly only) submission
i have ever given to any man;
only imagining what the others would have said, a wry grin graces my face.
where usually i feel awkward & fearful,
on that day, I felt free and comfortable
in your capable
yet tender domination.
we parted that night,
neither truly wanting to part
to awaken the next day
remembering the beautiful way
in which we connected,
so effortlessly, so easily,
again and again.
we spent our mornings
remembering and desiring more.
you cast a spell on me, i was so strong
in myself; knowing i didn’t need you;
nor you to need me.
how foolishly now i feel.
oh again to feel
your skin, your soul entwined
such a sweet embrace,
how can we retrace
when our lives are moving in
seemingly opposite directions?
doing my best to maintain my faith
that what is meant will be,
irregardless of me.
may i be able tonight to rest
instead of feeling so foolishly,
for allowing you to slip
through my fingertips
when i released you back into the bay
that hot August day.
The final soliloquy from the movie “Wild” edited for emphasis.
After I lost myself in the wilderness and the grief, I found my own way out of the woods.
And I didn’t know where I was going until I got there…
Thank you, I thought over and over again for everything the trail had taught me and for everything I couldn’t yet know…
I knew that I didn’t need to reach with my bare hands anymore. That seeing the fish beneath the surface of the water was enough. That it was everything. My life, like all lives; mysterious, irrevocable and sacred, so very close, so very present, so very belonging to me. How wild it was to let it be!