This is a follow up to the post it comes and goes in waves: the dis-integration
It feels like death, lying down energetically and physically when going through the pain that is dying while living. It is disintegration; breaking down to the smallest pieces, sometimes being cut by the shards of glass in falling down. The fire of the foundry melts us back into a liquid, the amorphous void. It is here that we get to choose our new configuration. Blowing through the glass blower’s tube, we breathe new life into ourselves. We fill the air with those things which we want to carry forward. This is the beauty of the destruction: the ultimate recreation. In His love for us, Lord Shiva destroys us so that we can recreate ourselves again, again and again. The true death is stagnation.
The more fully that we allow the disintegration, the more energy we receive to rebuild again. It is a death and it does feel that way: it is the death of what is no longer serving us. There is a grieving. When we block this process, we get stuck in suffering.
Once out of the void, we can begin to see more clearly.
Anatomy of my Fall
He and I have a connection. He can feel my energy, even across the water. That is a huge turn on for me, having dated so many men who were so … unaware. One day he suddenly popped into my mind, I saw him standing on deck sending me a message. When I later looked, he had indeed written.
He could sense my boundaries without me needing to say a word. “Your body likes to be touched.” Like is an understatement, but the sentiment was there. “I can hear what your body wants.” Few men that I’ve been with could, or if they could, just didn’t listen.
Passion, Connection, Intimacy: Check! No commitment: Fuck!
For me, the reality of my weekend lover is that as much passion, connection and intimacy that we share, there is no commitment. When he was open to commitment in August, I was not. At the time I did not feel he could “see” me, in reality, I could not see myself. I did not feel that he was concerned about my sexual needs, but I was blocked to my own desires and felt much shame regarding my body. Additionally, I mistook his domination for aggression. It scared me, having only been comfortable when I was in complete control at that point in my life.
Now that I’m open to commitment, he simply cannot. With the threat of being laid off, as well as the extra hours he works to keep his job and make up for the loss of warm bodies, he is working an ungodly amount. His time and energy are being consumed: working 7 days/week, 12 hour days, he has a son, is taking college classes oh and he is a marathon runner. So I believe him when he is tired and I can read between the lines, he literally does not have time for me. This is not the kick in the crotch that it sounds it could be.
Submission: Surprise Attack
There was also a lot of spontaneity in our meeting, in that I did not know I was going to see him until an hour before I crossed his threshold. As such, my defenses were down; the element of surprise. Even being almost professional in past sexual FWB type relationships, I unknowingly set myself up for the fall.
In being able to understand submission, I failed to see and to understand the level of intimacy manifested in submitting to a lover. Allowing him to dominate me, exposing my vulnerability and heightening the intimacy was an instant recipe for a deeper connection with him; I didn’t expect it. Now I see and so apparently.
String of Unavailable Men
He lives 33 miles away and that is a barrier where I live because he is on a “different island” as it were. A solid forty-minute drive in no traffic can be 3 hours or more with traffic due to the limited paths between. And while I believe “love knows no distance,” there are limits to his time. Selfish of me to ask for anything of him at this time. He is using his vital energy to survive, not thrive. I send him Metta daily, hoping he may find peace and balance before he collapses.
So he is physically and energetically unavailable. Add him to the list of men who have been the same, or emotionally or spiritually unavailable. As I am a magnet for what I am internally, I must ask myself where am I unavailable? Another post for another day.
So, today as a Phoenix, I rise up again. “Finding myself magnetically.” Turning my “mistakes into gold.” I see where, once again, I was willing to overextend myself and stretch my own resources to connect. He is a beautiful man with a beautiful spirit who is an amazing lover. Yet, we would rarely be able to walk side-by-side, even when he works more reasonably. So here I sit, re-configured at a different level of understanding and completeness. Back in the sweet bliss I exist.
If you enjoy movies about man’s search for meaning, man-vs-himself genre, then I strongly suggest the movie “Into the Wild,” the soundtrack from which this song is part.