As a self-described Type-A controlling Alpha woman with a doctoral degree, I was very surprised when I was turned on by a man telling me how to dress and how to impress him. Yet it turned me on even more when he said things like, “I like a woman who can follow orders.” While I could enjoy the imagery of other women being handled roughly, it was never something I considered for myself as alluring…
Having just separated from my then husband, my sole partner for nearly 20 years, I was completely aghast and astounded. What the fuck is this? I kept asking. The arousal was undeniable. I wanted to please this commanding 6’4″ man; which gave me a sexual rush I had never experienced before.
Perhaps the allure of being dominated is the honesty and confidence it takes to tell someone what you want; for both to be open and honest about their own boundaries. Having been in a predominately passive-aggressive marriage where needs were outright ignored and subverted even when clearly stated or met through manipulation there is great freedom in knowing what one’s partner wants; and in being honest with myself about what I want.
In fact, I see now where I sought out men who would not attempt to sexually dominate nor intimate me; a mirror for my own sexual inhibitions and shame. For example, at the time of my separation I was both taller (5’8.5″ vs 5.7″) and weighed more than my ex (233 vs 215). Now, 56 pounds later and I’m not sure the weight comparison, but yes, I’m still taller! (smile)
BDSM: A Mental Illness
Until 2013 with the publication of DSM V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), BDSM was considered a mental health disorder. Now, mental health researchers are finding that, perhaps, adults who consentually participate in BDSM (bondage-discipline, Dominance/submission, sado-masochism) may in fact be more psychologically healthy.
Yet, even with this change in perspectives from a mental health and diagnostic standpoint, there still seems to be a great deal of shame placed on this community; many hide behind a cloak of shame (or at least anonymity).
Dominance/submission Seen Energetically
I see the world in terms of energy. The balanced male/masculine energy is electric and moves generally in straight lines (think hunters, spears, bows/arrows and lightening). The balanced female/feminine energy is magnetic and moves in many directions, concentrically (think “gatherers,” knitting/weaving as well as magnetic field and gravity lines).
Together, the balanced male and female* energies work together beautifully. The feminine draws to her the masculine through her magnetism. She draws in the energy of the ethers/the matrix, it is his electricity and structure that directs hers. Consent is required for her to truly give over her energy to him for directing. Thus when working together, he channels the energy she has gathered. In this model, she is submissive to his dominance. To me, D/s now makes perfect sense. (feel free to comment if you need me to expand this further).
*Let me be clear here, I do not feel that this means that only heterosexuality is normal nor that he is always dominant while she only submissive. Instead, I’m talking here about the underlying energy dynamics of the D/s relationship.
There are switches (those who change between D/s and M/F roles), as well as feminine Dommes with masculine subs. Even in F/F and M/M homosexual relationships, there is generally the more masculine (and thus feminine) of the two. This model would still apply in those situations in my mind. What I refer to here is the overall energy of the relationship.
Silent all these Years & Tired of Hiding
For most of my life, I have suppressed my own voice; afraid to sing both literally and figuratively. I feared my own voice, in some ways I still do.
Meanwhile I have also placed my own hips in bondage having restricted their movement when I walk, when I dance; afraid to let them move too much and thus bring unwanted sexual attention. I now believe this restricted movement resulted in my hip injury while running.
For so long now, I have hidden behind my fears; my shame. This blog, tiffanybeingfree (TBF) was created as an avenue for me to be truly free; uninhibited. Yet, sexually, I felt that for me to be able to express my truest desires that I needed to hide. It is my hope that you will continue to follow me on this journey of self-discovery, as I believe it can help you to find more freedom within yourself. For each candle that is lit in the darkness, we each can see more clearly.
Perhaps this new unfolding means that train has stopped for you. Regardless, I wish you well!
Namaste. Love in Light and Darkness!