For most (ahem, all) of my life I have guarded my tender heart.
So many it seems have torn it apart.
Friends of yesteryear saw only small facets,
only what I chose & when I chose to share it.
The small pieces of me thrown out like bait,
to allow them to know that I could truly appreciate
what they were going through.
In the end, I only hurt myself.
By holding back so much of me,
I was never really truly free.
Feed me bourbon or beer,
to let me feel more clear to be me….really?
Now, I work to be my most brightest authenic self.
Sober, awake, not using food to soothe the pain.
And yet after years of work and toil,
It’s not that fucking easy.
I still find myself holding back.
Yet, I’m tired of truths half-baked.
Making it in a way that is fake.
I’ve grown weary of attracting people to me based on falsities and phobias.
For me to reap the most from my relationships,
it is I who must be more willing to be vulnerable,
to lay down my sword;
to stand down my guard,
to remove my body armor.
To let lose control of my voice
and to speak my truth more openly, more authentically.
So here I stand, doing my best to be more transparent.
So here I stand, doing my best to show my worst and my scariest.
Here I stand, naked.
And there is still more to bear.
This is not to gain your approval.
But to gain my own.
To love me more for me,
allows me to love you more for you.
Wounds and all.
No longer trying to avoid the fall.
May I learn to love now from the heart,
letting go of my habit of loving from an arm’s distance.
Standing down in the face of resistance.
Submitting, surrendering, letting go of control.
Please be gentle with me, take it slow.
I’m still figuring out just how this goes.