Many probably have probably wondered, including Ax, how I have been able to connect with Ax’s Woman v Series so deeply. The answer is that so much of what Ax expresses is also what I seek. In seeing Woman iv/v first of all of his pieces, I saw the vision of a man who was expressing how I so desire to be seen. To be loved and appreciated for myself in all of my aspects: shadow and persona, is so much about what my blogs are about. As I did not want my own desires to disturb the power of Ax’s poetry, I showed my reflections more subliminally by including linked related poems and essays in a muted way.
This has been an awakening process for me, sometimes painfully, particularly on Valentine’s Day. While I agree that February 14th is a Hallmark Holiday, and I would prefer to be showered with love the other 364 days of the year; I still did not want to go out much that day as a result of the reminders of feeling left out.
Ax, you gifted me your trust and confidence by granting me an “all access pass” to the Woman v Series; making yourself vulnerable to me and I am grateful, eternally. This was a very new and special experience; for a man to trust me on an emotional level is not something I am accustomed to. From this, I have been able to gain new understandings on so many levels.
Prior to this series based on cultural views & my own experiences, I have often believed that it was improbable, if not impossible, for a man to desire Love unconditionally (yes, I now laugh at me, too). From this limited perspective, men were tanks; heavily armored moving fortresses that fired first, lest they reveal the softness of their hearts. Theirs was a path of conquering and destruction, or isolation. Perhaps these men did not seek for harm, but were just tactically offensive preferring to fire first vs being fired upon. It was generally me who was left to pick up the broken pieces; so often ghosted, it seems my magnet’s m.o. to attract it.
Ultimately, tank men are mirrors for me. Showing where I have heavily guarded myself and rarely trusted (submission never before a thought in my life’s mission). All my life I believed a man could not love me for me, especially without raping me of my body or harvesting my energy. Hence my heavily guarded and controlling ways; tank men were my own reflection.
Interesting that, as a tank, I see parts of my journey militarily. I describe my spiritual surrender as standing down. Then I find analogy between my spiritual journey and storming the beaches of Normandy in Operation: Overlord. With my strong warrior self-identification I have been puzzled by my new found desire to be submissive. Through this work, I had a wonderful epiphany that I shared in submission understood. So here I am with a greater understanding of myself through Ax’s work. It has been an amazing journey!
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― Rumi
Thus by connecting more deeply with this series, I have connected more deeply with myself, my desires and my understanding of man’s needs. I did not believe that men wanted or needed for love. While I had begun to see this differently through raising a son, he remains quite young and thus I have not connected him with the energy of a man. By understanding that men need & want for Love, I am healing the misconceptions that have love-blocked me.
Thank you, again, Ax for your gifts of trust and access. I almost deep-sixed this project before it was born and am so glad I did not. I have gained so much from this and I believe you have, too. Regardless of whether I am the Goddess you seek or not, in being able to connect with one another so deeply and openly, we are helping each other to heal the parts of ourselves that are love-blocked. In so doing we cleanse our own magnets to attract to ourselves the anima and animus that we each so desire, respectively.
Other related essays and poems to Woman v:
Lover, I am Here
Offerings for Your Altar
your essence, your presence
Reblog: Give Me a 100-Proof Love or Nothing At All