it took so long to appear,
to bubble up to the surface,
i was beginning to think i had cleared it.
when sadness gripped my heart
in a way it never had before.
in writing through the sadness,
i soon found beneath it
a mother load of rampant bitterness.
breathing, doing my best to avoid
my avoidant behaviors (yea, don’t ask).
literally, doing my best to keep grounded
while feeling so completely confounded
in my newly uncovered feelings,
meanwhile dealing with my son yelling, screaming
(I can no longer remember the reasoning),
while my daughter asked me,
repeatedly how to spell something.
hard to be able to split
my energy between three
simultaneously held needs.
alone in being the provider
of meeting said needs.
digging deeper, i gain
a greater understanding
of the bitterness in my heart.
why could he not have walked
with me further along this path?
so much suffering spared,
i easily thought, directing my anger
at him…but not for long, as i
quickly turned the blade to myself.
why could I have not chosen better,
done better, been better than this?
a thought path chosen, not helping
my heart to become unfrozen.
soon my inner vision returns
to me: without being seemingly
alone on this path, it says quietly,
your strength would have been
a story unknown, untold,
maybe one to never unfold.
it is now, that the
bitterness releases its grip.
may i learn to keep
from the slope of the slip,
staying in touch daily
with my feelings…