Sorrow Management: Damage Incorporated

Hello, Anger
Hello, Anger. My, where have you been hiding?
Under rocks that were my broken apart heart?
There you found solace from the evil biding,
The seething heat of being thrice torn apart.
Two children fighting, both screaming and needing
more than a mother making a fresh, new start.
hard to be both parents at once, what to do?
anger, needing a way to bid you adieu.

easier to keep busy reading, writing,
than to feel your searing sadness grip my heart.
now i find myself needing of conceding
spending too much time from the others apart.
wanting, needing, feeling the heat releasing.
begging, pleading, please not another false start.
reading, writing, there were worse things i could do.
still it’s time, Goodbye, Anger, I release you

double octava rima format

Damage Inc is the song by Metalicca that popped into my mind as I typed the words “Sorrow Management.” The song is about seeking and destroying without submitting, seeing surrendering as weak. I feel that this song exemplifies the path of personal self-destruction we take when we fight our feelings instead of surrendering into them; even when we trick ourselves and do “positive” things.

Sorrow Management is what some in the spiritual community call the string of activities we do to avoid being and feeling. This could be things that we do in excess or compulsively such as: eating, cleaning, having sex, helping others (and letting ourselves fall to the wayside), fantasizing about sex, watching TV, dating sites, gaming, facebooking, drinking, writing, watching pornography, running, and working out. The activities do not necessarily need to be deemed negative for them to have a negative impact on our self-development when we use the activities to avoid feeling.

Sia from “Breathe Me”

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

So all of my writing erotica, about the body and muscles, plus my WP reading time lately has been me avoiding my seething, gnawing, searing, i want to fuck-shit-up anger with a side of bitterness.

Realizing how much time I was spending on WP, I turned off the notifications, and started storing my phone somewhere away from my body. Over the weekend, I cut my WP time in half (this includes writing). And yes, there are so many worse things that I could have done to “hurt myself again today” to avoid feeling my feelings. Still, I was blocking myself from myself, wrecking myself.

In decreasing one avoidant behavior, another tried to take over. Cravings for chewy foods like licorice and pizza were rampant. Something was gnawing at me. My heart was pounding and I wanted to yell, pound my fists into walls and rip my hair out. The Hello, Anger poem above was my attempt to understand this, as was the bitter heart poem.

Also interesting to note is that this last week my libido went missing. Much like watching the water recede quickly just before a tsunami hits, I knew it was time to run for the motherfucking hills. This weekend, it all came to a head  (and no, not in a good, i just got laid way). So even by doing positive things to keep myself distracted from my own pain, there’s no escaping the cycle of destruction that precedes construction, gratitude to Lord Shiva. Once again, I am humbled.

Namaste
__/|\__ Metta
2016.02.21

22 thoughts on “Sorrow Management: Damage Incorporated

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  1. It is interesting how writing helps “numb” your feelings while it enables me to live within them. That’s why I have been so quiet lately … if I allow myself the luxury of truly writing, then my heart takes over and everything comes roaring out, drowning me in the chaos of emotions that I’ve been trying to stifle while I attempt to make “positive” changes in my life. Yesterday, I finally just broke down and sobbed. I didn’t resolve anything within myself, but that was a sure sign that I’m hurting more than I ever want to admit.
    Hugs, sweet and wise friend. Thank you for being so open with your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dana, writing definitely helps me clear as does working out. The challenge was that I was not keeping things in moderation….
      I was spending too much time writing.
      I’m grateful to hear my sharing has been helpful to you.
      And as much as it can suck, I’m glad to hear you allowed yourself to sob. Once the storm has cleared, I often find myself to breathe more easily.
      Love to you, my friend! I’m glad we’re here to support one another!
      ❤️❤️Tiffany

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so guilty of finding mind numbing things to keep me from feeling. I don’t like sappy movies or anything that’s, as I explain to my kids, “makes me feel feelings.” I very much avoid my feelings. Bury it under whatever entertainment I can find. Writing however isn’t something I can do when I’m hiding from feelings. Just like Dana said its how I can be connected to them and actually express them. Which is also why I can’t seem to find as much to write about when I’m happy or my mind is engaged in other topics that numb the feelings.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I need to clarify re writing. Like writing erotica vs diving into my feelings. Or writing 5 posts about muscles vs what is underneath the veneer. Yes, writing helps me clear when I’m willing to write about what’s eating me…
      Thank you for reading and commenting!
      ❤️ Twin Tiffany

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s so wonderful to know yourself, isn’t it? Or to get to know and discover yourself? I feel like I’ve had this amazing journey into myself in the last few years and it’s been really good for me. I have always been highly emotional and my big emotions have always been a source of shame, like, geez girl, stop overreacting, etc. Now I understand myself and that it’s just a part of who I am. I can’t help it so I embrace it. Even if it means I find tears streaming down my face as I read WP, lol. I connect with others’ emotions almost as easily as I do my own so sometimes it’s a challenge! 🙂

    Now, if my libido goes missing- whew! I know I’m in trouble! 😉 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha! Yes, that’s a bad sign when the libido disappears! You sound much like me, I feel the pain of others as if it were my own. And my passion is so strong I can feel it within my bones and every fiber of my being. For so long, I suppressed it all, hence all the fat I’ve shed now that I’ve learned to channel and express my energy.
      So glad that we connected, Vic! ❤️ Tiffany

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s great. I’m so happy for you. It’s so nice not to feel like a freak, isn’t it? 😛 That’s one of the major benefits of the internet! I’m glad we connected too. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh Tiffany, sometimes stepping back is the best thing we can do and then the writing flows when it’s meant to. I hope that poem helped to release some pent up anger. I send you hugs and calming thoughts for a peaceful day and mind.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. a very well chosen song indeed. I have used it in many a time of anger. It’s also the LAST great Metallica record. Sure Justice was good but as far as Hetfield’s voice being the sound of my anger release, it ceased to exist post Puppets album. Good choice!

    Liked by 1 person

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