Hello, Anger. My, where have you been hiding?
Under rocks that were my broken apart heart?
There you found solace from the evil biding,
The seething heat of being thrice torn apart.
Two children fighting, both screaming and needing
more than a mother making a fresh, new start.
hard to be both parents at once, what to do?
anger, needing a way to bid you adieu.
easier to keep busy reading, writing,
than to feel your searing sadness grip my heart.
now i find myself needing of conceding
spending too much time from the others apart.
wanting, needing, feeling the heat releasing.
begging, pleading, please not another false start.
reading, writing, there were worse things i could do.
still it’s time, Goodbye, Anger, I release you
double octava rima format
Damage Inc is the song by Metalicca that popped into my mind as I typed the words “Sorrow Management.” The song is about seeking and destroying without submitting, seeing surrendering as weak. I feel that this song exemplifies the path of personal self-destruction we take when we fight our feelings instead of surrendering into them; even when we trick ourselves and do “positive” things.
Sorrow Management is what some in the spiritual community call the string of activities we do to avoid being and feeling. This could be things that we do in excess or compulsively such as: eating, cleaning, having sex, helping others (and letting ourselves fall to the wayside), fantasizing about sex, watching TV, dating sites, gaming, facebooking, drinking, writing, watching pornography, running, and working out. The activities do not necessarily need to be deemed negative for them to have a negative impact on our self-development when we use the activities to avoid feeling.
Sia from “Breathe Me”
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame
So all of my writing erotica, about the body and muscles, plus my WP reading time lately has been me avoiding my seething, gnawing, searing, i want to fuck-shit-up anger with a side of bitterness.
Realizing how much time I was spending on WP, I turned off the notifications, and started storing my phone somewhere away from my body. Over the weekend, I cut my WP time in half (this includes writing). And yes, there are so many worse things that I could have done to “hurt myself again today” to avoid feeling my feelings. Still, I was blocking myself from myself, wrecking myself.
In decreasing one avoidant behavior, another tried to take over. Cravings for chewy foods like licorice and pizza were rampant. Something was gnawing at me. My heart was pounding and I wanted to yell, pound my fists into walls and rip my hair out. The Hello, Anger poem above was my attempt to understand this, as was the bitter heart poem.
Also interesting to note is that this last week my libido went missing. Much like watching the water recede quickly just before a tsunami hits, I knew it was time to run for the motherfucking hills. This weekend, it all came to a head (and no, not in a good, i just got laid way). So even by doing positive things to keep myself distracted from my own pain, there’s no escaping the cycle of destruction that precedes construction, gratitude to Lord Shiva. Once again, I am humbled.