as a fledgling unfolding wings
flapping, waiting, while praying for grace.
building for the leap of faith confidence, strength.
the best lessons are revisited,
learned on deeper levels,
keeping the heart open in new ways each day.
leaving the South, headed NE
dreading getting on the plane,
flying solo in so many ways.
decisions weighing down
shaking off the waters
freeing the feathers for flight.
a return to faith in the unseen,
knowing the trials and tribulations
have a deeper reason, one day to be seen.
taking a breath, letting it go,
taking a leap, the wind carries me
effortlessly as a dandelion seed.
yes, peacocks do fly! they are NOT chickens =)
while i love traveling, motion sickness goes with me. so flying solo leaves me feeling vulnerable. may the flights be gentle in all ways! overall, i’m looking forward to learning more about my trade as well as seeing friends new and old.
upon my return home, i discovered yesterday, i’ll need to find a new place to call home at the end of my lease. an unexpected series of expenses and hassles when i had planned to stay. i have grown to enjoy my space, and it’s time to move on to greener pastures!
Warning: “Exotic” dancers in the video. Watch at your own risk!
Having a four day weekend means more posting. Tomorrow I’ll be back at work and then traveling, so I’m getting my writing in now. =)
Southern fried.
Right foot in the sandy port city,
burned by citizens as they fled
the Union soldiers way back when.
A cannonball, made of lead,
in the church walls still embedded.
Left foot in the foothills of Appalachia,
Toes in the valleys of The Blue Ridge
where the red clay stains in the shadow
of Star City. The county is the
moonshine capitol of the world to this day.
Most good food here are battered and deep fried.
One of my grandma’s best recipes involved
fried apples with enough butter and
brown sugar to please a little girl’s needs.
Pickled watermelon rind, oh yes,
how I wish I took the time to learn of their secrets.
When older I learned of her fantastic Whiskey Sour recipe.
Though I’ve tried to leave the south,
Looked to the North for college: PSU.
Looked to the West and North after PT school.
Yet Neptune and the Sirens loudly recalled
me back to this place of sandy and
black clay soil with dunes & Cypress bogs.
The best crabs are blue, from the Chesapeake.
The best oysters are raw, hope no body peed.
Some of the best foods are fried, we won’t
talk bar-b-que if you’re from Texas or KC,
the Virginia variety has a hint of vinegar,
and is sweet and spicy: the best for this Southern Fried.
And don’t try to sell me the whiskey from
overseas or Tennessee. Kentucky Mash,
that’s where it’s at, just as the Joker says.
Angel’s Envy, Booker’s, Baker’s, Maker’s,
you can keep your labels named after dead men.
If it’s for me, it better be neat! Yes, really, seriously.
With feet in two places, I can speak
in a Southern drawl or generic American.
Not sure how some people think I’m European?
Born and raised, I was, south of the Mason-Dixon line
as were 3:4 of my Grandparents, in this state of Virginia
The state seal with a breast revealed….
Yet for nudist beaches, casino gambling one must leave,
traveling for another place to be.
It’s ok, at the end of the day I’ll return from those towns
happy to kiss the ground under my feet
when I once again return to this place of my birth.
Everyone, including me, never would have believed I wouldn’t leave!
I’m looking for ideas on how to access my posts here off-line. I’m at about 360 posts…
Do you save off-line as you go? Do you know of a way to copy many posts to off-line storage?
I’d love any guidance…I’ve sporadically saved off-line and would appreciate any time and sanity saving ideas.
(My secondary “alt” site was shut down sans warning nor reason. Appealing? You better believe it.)
this post might just hurt the most. unraveling the truth from the perception is causing me quite a bit of misconception and even more fear of the repercussions. i can no longer deny my dna, it came up just the other day. knowing the oddity, when i recognized the new pattern, my new habits of […]
This is part three of Submitting to Femininity Series. This post focuses on the path and tools and applies to women as much as it does to men. We all hold within the energy of The Divine Feminine.
15 years ago several women I was working with were talking about submitting to their husbands. I thought they were crazy and I was unable to hear their words. There was no way I was going to submit to any man, I thought to myself. Ironic to find myself now writing about this very thing. Their submission was based on their Jewish religious teachings. For me, submission is a personal choice that cannot be dictated, directed nor coerced by anyone. To submit under duress is surrender.
Now I find myself submitting to the feminine qualities that I have fought hard against for most of my life. I am finding power in submission, power in wearing pink and power in being uniquely feminine. I realize now that by living through the power of my Animus for so long, I was exhausting myself and not being true to my own power. I now see my role as a woman very differently.
The Masculine Path for Modern Women
It is the man’s masculine journey to prove his worth, his value, his skills, his knowledge, and his abilities often separately from others. Modern Women often feel that we must prove ourselves, as well. So often as a new mother, I fought against receiving help from others. It made me feel weak. I needed to prove, “I’ve got this! [fuck you].”
Fighting fire with fire to “make it” in a masculine world, women often put on Animus masks to move upwards in work and academic environments. This is where we adopt the Animus in our feeling of lack of power in a society that disqualifies feminine strength.
As women, we exhaust ourselves when we continually live in this way. We are using our tools, our energy, in a way in which they were not made to serve us. While we can use our high heeled shoes to drive a nail into a wall, a hammer is a much more effective tool to use. To repeatedly use our shoe, we have the potential to ruin it as well as to exhaust ourselves in the process.
Letting go of the need to prove ourselves is part of this journey into softening into our femininity. In our role as women, our journey is to just be who we are here to be. This involves the inward journey of Psyche. Going down into the Underworld and seeing our strength as women to move through the levels. Being ourselves, seeing that beauty exists within – it is not a physical implement to which we apply to our skin. This is Persephone’s secret that she shares with Psyche: our beauty as it is is our strength.
Trust
So much of this process is about trust. We must learn to trust our hearts. There are times where the lessons that need to be learned have pain and darkness attached to them. This does not mean that our hearts are wrong when they lead us in a direction that involves pain. Instead it is where we are blocked in love that we must learn a new way, a new perspective; a new way to soften within. Sometimes it is necessary for the wounds to be reopened for them to be healed.
Many men and women have been hurt by men who held power of us. This can cause us to shy away from trusting power. I know it is hard for me to let go of control in so many ways because of my past. Yet I am finding that not trusting is keeping me isolated. For me to grow, I must spread my wings. For keeping my arms clutched to my side or over my heart, I cannot fly. Instead, I would just sink like a rock if I were to jump.
So with each encounter and with each relationship, I learn a new lesson about others and about my strength. Opening my heart even when it is scary, even when it hurts, even when the hinges creak from lack of use, the door to my heart when it is opened allows me to experience a greater truth: my light is infinite.
We each have darkness that must be healed. We each have ways that we stand in our own lights, creating shadows that we believe are the truth of who we are. In trusting our hearts to go down into the darkness, just as Psyche does, we can learn a new truth. We are all truly loved. We are all truly supported. Sometimes the best way to see our light is in the darkness, just as with stars.
Feminine Tools: The Knife and the Lantern
In the story of Psyche and Eros, Psyche had two tools at her disposal: a knife and a lantern. Her sisters bade that she kill her lover with the knife. Instead, Psyche chose to look upon him after being pierced by one of his arrows, causing her to fall in love with him, as such she could not kill him. This is when hot oil from her lantern burns his skin.
As a woman this speaks to me clearly about discernment. Knives are tools that can be used to separate, to discern. They can be used as a tool as in the kitchen or in healing as in surgery. Knives can also be used as a weapon. As women, we have a choice of how we want to use our tools. Are our tongues sharp or are the words we use helpful to those we love?
The lantern offers the image of a soft light in the darkness. A woman’s light is of the moon, soft and shining in the dark sky. Yet when too sharp, too fixed, our light can also burn. Though we do not have the light of the sun, our lights can also inflict burns. This calls for discernment in the use of our tools.
As a mother, as a lover, I can choose how to use my tools. Sometimes regardless of how loving my intentions can be, others may find my light and words offending. I must discern what is right from my heart so that I can do my part in helping support others on their journey.
Femininity = Being
In observing couples, I repeatedly see the power struggles between couples. In general, one uses passive-aggressive techniques to control the other. I certainly remember playing that role with my ex when the relationship was disintegrating. In feeling weak in myself, I felt I needed to control him. Trust me, there were ways in which he also did the same to me. In our weakness, we tried to gain control over the other through different means.
Now I believe my role is to just be me in my fullest expression of femininity through softening more and more fully into my heart, into my truth. In allowing myself to be myself more and more fully, I empower and give permission to Him to be Himself more fully. Furthermore, the more I soften into my femininity, the more He can grow into the fullest expression of His Masculinity. There is a reciprocation of energy that has the potential to be infinite when well matched as described in “to My Etheric Lover.”
The Journey
While the masculine journey is an external one to prove one’s skills, the feminine journey is an internal one to accept one’s emotions. For our journeys to be complete, men and women alike must take the inner path. For too long, our society has drained the Divine Feminine of its true Valor while overemphasizing the masculine external journey. This prevents us from all from successfully being balanced and complete.
There is so much truth here from Alohaleya once again this week. May this help you on your journey!
❤️
After publishing my post on the heart I didn’t know what to blog about next. Everything I attempted to write seemed conceptual and slightly pretentious – ironically, coming from my head and not my heart! My mind has been my albatross, but for the most part it’s felt more comfortable than my heart or body. […]
“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” ― Cynthia Occelli
It can be a challenge to connect so deeply with the dark that one forgets that there is light. There were moments in this past week where I felt that way. I forgot what the sun felt like on my face, what joy felt like in my heart. I was the seed in the darkness.
Once I see the nature of a problem I do not generally stop until I can get underneath it to see it from the lowest perspective. For those who watch from above, it can appear as destruction. In a sense it is complete destruction as the old thoughts must be obliterated to make way for the new pathways.
Usually I prefer to walk through the darkness alone, withdrawn. It can be a challenge to ask for help and I prefer to not want to share my pain until I’m through at least the bulk of it. So I am most grateful for those who stayed with me on this dark journey. I needed the light and the reminders of joy from your words of support.
Yesterday brought the return of light and a new understanding. In the morning I told a patient that if she were to breathe through the self-doubt that her body would know what to do. Later that day, another patient told me that she listened to my same words and was able to find that the words rang true when she was at home practicing. Ironic, right?! It was not until “My Secret Me” pointed out the same essential message that the lightbulb finally lit up and I realized this concept applies to my issues with mothering: “Relax (and trust) in the face of uncertainty, your heart knows what to do.”
So today I start out with a very new view of mothering. I laugh now at the pain and suffering. This universal truth applies in so many areas of my life and yet when in the darkness of self-doubt, I cannot see the light of this truth. Much like any training, I suppose, we must learn the same skills in many different settings for the lesson to apply.
Now to focus on the connections I have with my children, with less emphasis on what this looks like. All of this is so much part of my work of softening into femininity.
So on Good Friday I am so grateful to be back topside. Thank you to all of my loving supporters! Each of you played an important role in keeping me from drowning. Your words were life rafts when I felt the most alone. It is through our connections in this community that is helping each of us to be more and more free.
Special gratitude and heartfelt love to Amy, Tosha, Ken, Miriam, Wayne, Elizabeth, Rita, Stephen, Vic & Kay. I appreciate all the support I’ve received both on and offline, said and unsaid.
Looking forward to a much needed long weekend! ❤️🌻☀️☯
“Beautiful” played this morning as I drove to work in tears. It seems to be my attempt at balance in this time of deep and painful introspection while I clear.
After writing this post, I began to feel relief as I recognized that this clearing that I am doing right now is much bigger than me. When I get knocked back this far, I know the energy is not just mine, I am clearing the suffering of generations.
The energy of the full moon is shining light on the weeds in my garden. Since the full moon is in Libra this week it calls for us to find the balance and the truth of our souls, to find balance in our relationships showing where there are any inequalities. Perhaps this is why my work on and off WP continues to focus on my place as a mother.
Present Predicament
“You are the most qualified unique person [to be your children’s mother].” – Becky, a supportive friend on my journey, replies after I asked her rhetorically if motherhood ever gets any easier.
Hot tears like lava quickly race down my cheeks, burning my eyes and my face. I had no ability to stop them. It was time to go, so I climbed back into my Jeep and thanked her while looking down. The tears still flow now as I hear her words echoing in my mind. The opposite of qualified for me at this time is failure. And this past week the feelings of failure rise repeatedly to the surface.
Failure. The word seems fitting and harsh all at once. The places where I feel I am not doing well cast a cloud over where I shine. The places where I have healed and improved my station in life are covered up, drowned by the emotions that pour in as would an epic biblical flood: “epic failure” repeatedly flashes on the screen in my mind. There is no where to hide.
Yes, I know I’m being harsh on myself. Yes, I see where my idealism gets in my way and blocks my light. Here I see where I stand in my own way. Yet glossing over the feelings, covering it with a veneer by telling myself “you are doing the best you can do” just hides the underlying feelings from my view and keeps the truth of how I feel in this very moment hidden from view.
A little perspective of where I find myself
These past few weeks have brought several personal challenges with my work, with several things stacking up and are causing me some grief; all things beyond my control. Add to this a minor medical issue this week, and increased demands on me as a mother with their father being out of town. It is no wonder that this area where I have felt weak for a long time is pressing so hard on me. Add to this my inner work to soften further into femininity and to be less controlled by my inner Animus, it’s no wond I’m seeking relief in the “beautiful” world described by India Arie.
The Landslide Brought Me Down
Right now, in this moment if I could, I would fold. I would close out my losses and my meager winnings and leave the craps table. I feel like the House always wins and that I’m losing the game again and again, hence my repeated feelings of being a failure. Tomorrow is a different day. Tomorrow I’ll ante up and roll the dice again because I choose to live. For now, though, I would love to just crawl into a hole and close out the world. Yet, there is not much relief at this time. I’m a solo mom with some help from my parents. I’m a healthcare practitioner who has clients to take care of.
Widening the Lens
So now I will take a broader view of motherhood in an attempt to gain a better perspective of motherhood and my role as a mother.
The energy of the Divine Feminine for Mother is nurturing. Too much nurturing can be suffocating of life. Not enough nurturing can stifle growth. Almost like over or under watering a plant: neither is good for the roots to take hold. Salts build up around roots that lack water, the roots become desiccated and useless. Too much water around the roots does not allow for enough oxygen to get through: death by asphyxiation. There is a balance that is needed even in nurturing.
Primate Mothers
There is a fantastic PBS Documentary called “Born Wild: First Days of Life” that illustrates the different ways that mothers nurture their progeny across the breadth of the Animal Kingdom (for some it is giving birth and moving along, while other mothers keep their progeny under “their wings” for years). There are some aspects of the father in the documentary, yet most of the examples illustrated are the connections between mother and offspring. It is an amazing and diverse look at life and I can find myself in nearly each example of parenting at different times.
One of the animal groups observed in Born Wild was a type of primate that has a strong social hierarchy. I believe the animals were monkeys and observers noticed an interesting trend. Higher ranking mothers were more confident. They allowed their babies to explore the world more and as a result their offspring were more confident. Mothers who were lower in the social order were more insecure and clutched their babies more, disempowering them and keeping them from exploring. These offspring were less confident and also became more clingy. Amazing it is to see how directly different parenting styles affect the monkey’s offspring. I can see where I have clung to my children in some areas, disempowering and suffocating their creativity and curiosity. Yet I can also see where I have empowered them by trusting them in other ways, allowing them to bloom uninhibited.
20/20 Hindsight
Taking this a step further, I can see where I was disempowered and also empowered by my parents. At some point, it is important for me to acquiesce and allow forgiveness for their trespasses. It was not intentional that they disempowered me, I believe. The areas where they were disempowering reflects their own fears.
I often appeared as a child to be “too much” for them. In those areas I was told to be quiet, to hush, to not express, to “play cool” so that I could fit in. All, I believe, so that I would draw less attention to myself so that I would not get joked or ridiculed. Instead, I find that other children (and adults) find our weaknesses and can exploit them regardless if we try to hide them or not. As a result, I do my best to allow my children to express their interests and allow them to explore them.
Mother as Queen
As a mother, I can rule over my queendom with an air of a dictator, or I can choose to be more mothering and nurturing. Society plays a role in my choices at times, though this is sad to say. I can be more of a dictator in public than when at home. Perhaps this is due in part to the masculine role exerting external control when in public view. I also feel the pressure of onlookers, however I will also say that with each passing day I am switching my focus more and more to the connection I have with my children versus fearing the judgment of others. This is different than how I was raised, so it is a conscious change for me to make and uphold.
Moving Forward and Upward
The challenge so often I find as a mother is discerning when to be firm and when to be warm. Frequently I feel I have it backwards. Working from a view of opposites can make this more of a challenge for me, creating so much of who I am from the film versus the print of my childhood.
Right now, I feel like in the flight of life that I am in a flat spin. A nose dive is easier to recover from, or so it is my understanding. Tonight, I will be climbing back in the cockpit with a new perspective of myself as a mother. Through this writing process, I have released more of the dross holding me back. The albatross of guilt has lost some of her feathers today. Perhaps tonight I will roast her over the fire, for she weighs heavily on my heart. This makes it a challenge for me as a mother to fully live my part.
Onward and upward, I find myself moving again. Thank you for joining me in the journey of going into deeper levels of processing. The softening further into my femininity, softening further into my role; mothering myself and my children.
Much love & Happy Easter to those who celebrate. A time of rebirth and renewal that comes after bloodletting; letting go of that which no longer serves. Once again I can return to my place of bliss. Grace grows again in my heart now that I’m on the return flight.
Late addition: I’m seeing this very differently this evening having gained a new perspective. Perhaps I will share in the days to come. Suffice to say I’m only leaving this here I case it can help someone else in this journey of deeper understanding. ❤️ my sunshine has returned. ☀️
