Acquiescence of Suffering: Mother Part II

A Follow Up to “Mother

“Beautiful” played this morning as I drove to work in tears. It seems to be my attempt at balance in this time of deep and painful introspection while I clear. 

After writing this post, I began to feel relief as I recognized that this clearing that I am doing right now is much bigger than me. When I get knocked back this far, I know the energy is not just mine, I am clearing the suffering of generations. 

The energy of the full moon is shining light on the weeds in my garden. Since the full moon is in Libra this week it calls for us to find the balance and the truth of our souls, to find balance in our relationships showing where there are any inequalities. Perhaps this is why my work on and off WP continues to focus on my place as a mother.

  

Present Predicament

“You are the most qualified unique person [to be your children’s mother].” – Becky, a supportive friend on my journey, replies after I asked her rhetorically if motherhood ever gets any easier.

Hot tears like lava quickly race down my cheeks, burning my eyes and my face. I had no ability to stop them. It was time to go, so I climbed back into my Jeep and thanked her while looking down. The tears still flow now as I hear her words echoing in my mind. The opposite of qualified for me at this time is failure. And this past week the feelings of failure rise repeatedly to the surface.

Failure. The word seems fitting and harsh all at once. The places where I feel I am not doing well cast a cloud over where I shine. The places where I have healed and improved my station in life are covered up, drowned by the emotions that pour in as would an epic biblical flood: “epic failure” repeatedly flashes on the screen in my mind. There is no where to hide. 

Yes, I know I’m being harsh on myself. Yes, I see where my idealism gets in my way and blocks my light. Here I see where I stand in my own way. Yet glossing over the feelings, covering it with a veneer by telling myself “you are doing the best you can do” just hides the underlying feelings from my view and keeps the truth of how I feel in this very moment hidden from view. 

A little perspective of where I find myself

These past few weeks have brought several personal challenges with my work, with several things stacking up and are causing me some grief; all things beyond my control. Add to this a minor medical issue this week, and increased demands on me as a mother with their father being out of town. It is no wonder that this area where I have felt weak for a long time is pressing so hard on me. Add to this my inner work to soften further into femininity and to be less controlled by my inner Animus, it’s no wond I’m seeking relief in the “beautiful” world described by India Arie.

The Landslide Brought Me Down

Right now, in this moment if I could, I would fold. I would close out my losses and my meager winnings and leave the craps table. I feel like the House always wins and that I’m losing the game again and again, hence my repeated feelings of being a failure. Tomorrow is a different day. Tomorrow I’ll ante up and roll the dice again because I choose to live. For now, though, I would love to just crawl into a hole and close out the world. Yet, there is not much relief at this time. I’m a solo mom with some help from my parents. I’m a healthcare practitioner who has clients to take care of. 

Widening the Lens

So now I will take a broader view of motherhood in an attempt to gain a better perspective of motherhood and my role as a mother.

The energy of the Divine Feminine for Mother is nurturing. Too much nurturing can be suffocating of life. Not enough nurturing can stifle growth. Almost like over or under watering a plant: neither is good for the roots to take hold. Salts build up around roots that lack water, the roots become desiccated and useless. Too much water around the roots does not allow for enough oxygen to get through: death by asphyxiation. There is a balance that is needed even in nurturing.

Primate Mothers

There is a fantastic PBS Documentary called “Born Wild: First Days of Life” that illustrates the different ways that mothers nurture their progeny across the breadth of the Animal Kingdom (for some it is giving birth and moving along, while other mothers keep their progeny under “their wings” for years). There are some aspects of the father in the documentary, yet most of the examples illustrated are the connections between mother and offspring. It is an amazing and diverse look at life and I can find myself in nearly each example of parenting at different times.

One of the animal groups observed in Born Wild was a type of primate that has a strong social hierarchy. I believe the animals were monkeys and observers noticed an interesting trend. Higher ranking mothers were more confident. They allowed their babies to explore the world more and as a result their offspring were more confident. Mothers who were lower in the social order were more insecure and clutched their babies more, disempowering them and keeping them from exploring. These offspring were less confident and also became more clingy. Amazing it is to see how directly different parenting styles affect the monkey’s offspring. I can see where I have clung to my children in some areas, disempowering and suffocating their creativity and curiosity. Yet I can also see where I have empowered them by trusting them in other ways, allowing them to bloom uninhibited.

20/20 Hindsight

Taking this a step further, I can see where I was disempowered and also empowered by my parents. At some point, it is important for me to acquiesce and allow forgiveness for their trespasses. It was not intentional that they disempowered me, I believe. The areas where they were disempowering reflects their own fears. 

I often appeared as a child to be “too much” for them. In those areas I was told to be quiet, to hush, to not express, to “play cool” so that I could fit in. All, I believe, so that I would draw less attention to myself so that I would not get joked or ridiculed. Instead, I find that other children (and adults) find our weaknesses and can exploit them regardless if we try to hide them or not. As a result, I do my best to allow my children to express their interests and allow them to explore them. 

Mother as Queen

As a mother, I can rule over my queendom with an air of a dictator, or I can choose to be more mothering and nurturing. Society plays a role in my choices at times, though this is sad to say. I can be more of a dictator in public than when at home. Perhaps this is due in part to the masculine role exerting external control when in public view. I also feel the pressure of onlookers, however I will also say that with each passing day I am switching my focus more and more to the connection I have with my children versus fearing the judgment of others. This is different than how I was raised, so it is a conscious change for me to make and uphold.

Moving Forward and Upward

The challenge so often I find as a mother is discerning when to be firm and when to be warm. Frequently I feel I have it backwards. Working from a view of opposites can make this more of a challenge for me, creating so much of who I am from the film versus the print of my childhood. 

Right now, I feel like in the flight of life that I am in a flat spin. A nose dive is easier to recover from, or so it is my understanding. Tonight, I will be climbing back in the cockpit with a new perspective of myself as a mother. Through this writing process, I have released more of the dross holding me back. The albatross of guilt has lost some of her feathers today. Perhaps tonight I will roast her over the fire, for she weighs heavily on my heart. This makes it a challenge for me as a mother to fully live my part. 

Onward and upward, I find myself moving again. Thank you for joining me in the journey of going into deeper levels of processing. The softening further into my femininity, softening further into my role; mothering myself and my children. 

Much love & Happy Easter to those who celebrate. A time of rebirth and renewal that comes after bloodletting; letting go of that which no longer serves. Once again I can return to my place of bliss. Grace grows again in my heart now that I’m on the return flight.

Late addition: I’m seeing this very differently this evening having gained a new perspective. Perhaps I will share in the days to come. Suffice to say I’m only leaving this here I case it can help someone else in this journey of deeper understanding. ❤️ my sunshine has returned. ☀️

Namaste

Metta & Ananada

Image: Google (why I avoid FB)

26 thoughts on “Acquiescence of Suffering: Mother Part II

  1. Beautiful, Tiffany! Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done/am doing. Damn, it’s hard! I go through periods where I think, wtf am I doing- I must be f-ing these kids up big time. 🙂 And times where I think we’re all doing alright. I have a challenging older son and man, I feel ill-equipped sometimes but I have to believe my want to get it right counts for something! Hopefully… 😀 Mother On! We can do it!! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh boy Tiffany, nice image you selected for this post! 😉

    One sure thing I can tell you about parenting is that no one has got it perfected. EVERY parent thinks they are screwing up and think there are things they should do better or wish they had done. You have to feel your own way. You and your children with forge that path. First and foremost provide them with an environment of unconditional love. That love will be forgiving and provide grace in areas where you maybe don’t always get it right. Do not grossly neglect them, provide for their varied needs, be present and available. Lead by example. Yes all the things you pointed out are true and if you allow yourself to dwell in the quagmire of the all the impossible details and what ifs of parenting you’ll drive yourself nuts.

    I didn’t do it all right. There are many things I wish I’d done differently but I did what I could do with the hand I was dealt and I think in the end, despite some hiccups along the way, my kids have turned out pretty great.

    Most of my friends have younger children and I have had many parenting conversations with them over the years. This is the same advice I give them. My daughter was a bit of a nightmare child/teen and I certainly questioned myself many times on what I did wrong. How was I such a failure as a parent? But what others who had walked the path before me said was all true. Its not that I was a failure as a parent. Its that I was trying to make myself completely accountable for the actions and choices of a separate individual with her own will and mind. In the end she came back around thanks to the stable foundation built beneath her. My son is a dream. He is so completely opposite of her and just a great kid. If I was such a failure as a mother how’d I not screw them both up? I didn’t. And this type of scenario is not unique to single parents or poor families. I’ve seen it on all sides and in even the most respectable “perfect” families.

    No one is perfect. No parent is perfect. And you can’t be either so stressing out on all the little details will only make it a harder job for you. If you feel you are a failure and there is more you should be doing than that’s the truth. Its your perception which becomes your truth. If that’s truth then what is it you should be doing? If you were the outsider here what advice would you give? Can you humanly do it all? You need to just give yourself some grace in this area. Just do what comes natural. Love and nurture them and do a temperature check once in awhile to see if/where some tweaks need to be made. You’re doing just fine I assure you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Amy, thank you so much for this in-depth reply. You have helped me to see the light and I may need your advice again in the future!
      I told a patient today that when she relaxed her body would show her the way. She was so afraid she was doing everything wrong. This was at 9am. My last patient of the day shared with me that she relaxed as I had instructed her to and her body knew just what to do. Effectively, you are saying the same thing! I have the answers to my own problem to others re their physical issues that are the same answers to my parenting (and mental) ones. I finally saw the truth shining through and now feel renewed! Part III? Not today. ❤️❤️☀️☀️☀️🌻🌻🌻

      Liked by 1 person

  3. There’s so much amazing insight here, Tiffany! I can relate to so many of the feelings, and the process of introspection regarding how I relate to my children, my emotional availability to them, ad well as how my parents empowered or disempowered me. I had such fears about becoming my mother and it impacted me so very much. I fear I’ve had some serious failures as a mother, yet know in my heart that I tried my best with what I had to offer at the time. We are ever-evolving! And our children know we love them and give our all. They do!💜

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Tiffany, I am so happy that you have found your way back into the sunshine!.☺You’ ve had quite an emotional roller coaster ride as of late and it pains me to see you be so hard on yourself! My gut tells me that you are a much better parent than you give yourself credit for. Parenting is hard, period, even for two parent households. Can’t begin to tell you how many times I messed up. But, in the end, I’m not locked up and my kids aren’t in therapy. 😆😎😸

    I want to share an experience with you. Happened today about 5pm. I was sitting in Barnes and Nobles sipping on coffee and reading a classic car magazine when it started. Words just started streaking through my mind. Great, no paper, found a bank receipt in my wallet and started writing. Now mind you I wasn’t trying to write. I had just read a quote on my wife’s FB account, By James Keller it went like this, “A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.” Didn’t realize it until the second verse but this is for you.

    You are a beautiful candle
    burning bright
    illuminating your darkness
    Giving it light.

    One day you will unite
    with the object of your longing,
    your Warrior lover and man of might.
    Coming together, burning, burning
    brighter and brighter still
    Into the night.

    This is my prayer for you! May you find your heart’s desire!
    Many, many, many Blessings, Ken

    PS; Now, I know I can write somthing for JoMell, I just gonna let it come.

    .

    ,

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I see it, I love this theme. So many beautiful images come to mind. Sometimes I want a helocopter overhead. My guardian in the sky with his door gunners and massive spotlight called a “Sunlight”, how appropriate is that, to light the way upon my path. But, instead I get a flickering candle, barely enough to see my next step, yet I am thankful, because I know if I could see to my left and my right, it would scare the shit out of me, pardon the french, and foreward progress would come to an end. I’m so thankful our paths crossed, now, go play and dive into the pink! Blessings, Ken

    Liked by 1 person

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