A Follow Up to “Mother”
“Beautiful” played this morning as I drove to work in tears. It seems to be my attempt at balance in this time of deep and painful introspection while I clear.
After writing this post, I began to feel relief as I recognized that this clearing that I am doing right now is much bigger than me. When I get knocked back this far, I know the energy is not just mine, I am clearing the suffering of generations.
The energy of the full moon is shining light on the weeds in my garden. Since the full moon is in Libra this week it calls for us to find the balance and the truth of our souls, to find balance in our relationships showing where there are any inequalities. Perhaps this is why my work on and off WP continues to focus on my place as a mother.
“You are the most qualified unique person [to be your children’s mother].” – Becky, a supportive friend on my journey, replies after I asked her rhetorically if motherhood ever gets any easier.
Hot tears like lava quickly race down my cheeks, burning my eyes and my face. I had no ability to stop them. It was time to go, so I climbed back into my Jeep and thanked her while looking down. The tears still flow now as I hear her words echoing in my mind. The opposite of qualified for me at this time is failure. And this past week the feelings of failure rise repeatedly to the surface.
Failure. The word seems fitting and harsh all at once. The places where I feel I am not doing well cast a cloud over where I shine. The places where I have healed and improved my station in life are covered up, drowned by the emotions that pour in as would an epic biblical flood: “epic failure” repeatedly flashes on the screen in my mind. There is no where to hide.
Yes, I know I’m being harsh on myself. Yes, I see where my idealism gets in my way and blocks my light. Here I see where I stand in my own way. Yet glossing over the feelings, covering it with a veneer by telling myself “you are doing the best you can do” just hides the underlying feelings from my view and keeps the truth of how I feel in this very moment hidden from view.
A little perspective of where I find myself
These past few weeks have brought several personal challenges with my work, with several things stacking up and are causing me some grief; all things beyond my control. Add to this a minor medical issue this week, and increased demands on me as a mother with their father being out of town. It is no wonder that this area where I have felt weak for a long time is pressing so hard on me. Add to this my inner work to soften further into femininity and to be less controlled by my inner Animus, it’s no wond I’m seeking relief in the “beautiful” world described by India Arie.
The Landslide Brought Me Down
Right now, in this moment if I could, I would fold. I would close out my losses and my meager winnings and leave the craps table. I feel like the House always wins and that I’m losing the game again and again, hence my repeated feelings of being a failure. Tomorrow is a different day. Tomorrow I’ll ante up and roll the dice again because I choose to live. For now, though, I would love to just crawl into a hole and close out the world. Yet, there is not much relief at this time. I’m a solo mom with some help from my parents. I’m a healthcare practitioner who has clients to take care of.
Widening the Lens
So now I will take a broader view of motherhood in an attempt to gain a better perspective of motherhood and my role as a mother.
The energy of the Divine Feminine for Mother is nurturing. Too much nurturing can be suffocating of life. Not enough nurturing can stifle growth. Almost like over or under watering a plant: neither is good for the roots to take hold. Salts build up around roots that lack water, the roots become desiccated and useless. Too much water around the roots does not allow for enough oxygen to get through: death by asphyxiation. There is a balance that is needed even in nurturing.
There is a fantastic PBS Documentary called “Born Wild: First Days of Life” that illustrates the different ways that mothers nurture their progeny across the breadth of the Animal Kingdom (for some it is giving birth and moving along, while other mothers keep their progeny under “their wings” for years). There are some aspects of the father in the documentary, yet most of the examples illustrated are the connections between mother and offspring. It is an amazing and diverse look at life and I can find myself in nearly each example of parenting at different times.
One of the animal groups observed in Born Wild was a type of primate that has a strong social hierarchy. I believe the animals were monkeys and observers noticed an interesting trend. Higher ranking mothers were more confident. They allowed their babies to explore the world more and as a result their offspring were more confident. Mothers who were lower in the social order were more insecure and clutched their babies more, disempowering them and keeping them from exploring. These offspring were less confident and also became more clingy. Amazing it is to see how directly different parenting styles affect the monkey’s offspring. I can see where I have clung to my children in some areas, disempowering and suffocating their creativity and curiosity. Yet I can also see where I have empowered them by trusting them in other ways, allowing them to bloom uninhibited.
Taking this a step further, I can see where I was disempowered and also empowered by my parents. At some point, it is important for me to acquiesce and allow forgiveness for their trespasses. It was not intentional that they disempowered me, I believe. The areas where they were disempowering reflects their own fears.
I often appeared as a child to be “too much” for them. In those areas I was told to be quiet, to hush, to not express, to “play cool” so that I could fit in. All, I believe, so that I would draw less attention to myself so that I would not get joked or ridiculed. Instead, I find that other children (and adults) find our weaknesses and can exploit them regardless if we try to hide them or not. As a result, I do my best to allow my children to express their interests and allow them to explore them.
Mother as Queen
As a mother, I can rule over my queendom with an air of a dictator, or I can choose to be more mothering and nurturing. Society plays a role in my choices at times, though this is sad to say. I can be more of a dictator in public than when at home. Perhaps this is due in part to the masculine role exerting external control when in public view. I also feel the pressure of onlookers, however I will also say that with each passing day I am switching my focus more and more to the connection I have with my children versus fearing the judgment of others. This is different than how I was raised, so it is a conscious change for me to make and uphold.
Moving Forward and Upward
The challenge so often I find as a mother is discerning when to be firm and when to be warm. Frequently I feel I have it backwards. Working from a view of opposites can make this more of a challenge for me, creating so much of who I am from the film versus the print of my childhood.
Right now, I feel like in the flight of life that I am in a flat spin. A nose dive is easier to recover from, or so it is my understanding. Tonight, I will be climbing back in the cockpit with a new perspective of myself as a mother. Through this writing process, I have released more of the dross holding me back. The albatross of guilt has lost some of her feathers today. Perhaps tonight I will roast her over the fire, for she weighs heavily on my heart. This makes it a challenge for me as a mother to fully live my part.
Onward and upward, I find myself moving again. Thank you for joining me in the journey of going into deeper levels of processing. The softening further into my femininity, softening further into my role; mothering myself and my children.
Much love & Happy Easter to those who celebrate. A time of rebirth and renewal that comes after bloodletting; letting go of that which no longer serves. Once again I can return to my place of bliss. Grace grows again in my heart now that I’m on the return flight.
Late addition: I’m seeing this very differently this evening having gained a new perspective. Perhaps I will share in the days to come. Suffice to say I’m only leaving this here I case it can help someone else in this journey of deeper understanding. ❤️ my sunshine has returned. ☀️
Metta & Ananada
Image: Google (why I avoid FB)