“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.”
― Cynthia Occelli
It can be a challenge to connect so deeply with the dark that one forgets that there is light. There were moments in this past week where I felt that way. I forgot what the sun felt like on my face, what joy felt like in my heart. I was the seed in the darkness.
Once I see the nature of a problem I do not generally stop until I can get underneath it to see it from the lowest perspective. For those who watch from above, it can appear as destruction. In a sense it is complete destruction as the old thoughts must be obliterated to make way for the new pathways.
Usually I prefer to walk through the darkness alone, withdrawn. It can be a challenge to ask for help and I prefer to not want to share my pain until I’m through at least the bulk of it. So I am most grateful for those who stayed with me on this dark journey. I needed the light and the reminders of joy from your words of support.
Yesterday brought the return of light and a new understanding. In the morning I told a patient that if she were to breathe through the self-doubt that her body would know what to do. Later that day, another patient told me that she listened to my same words and was able to find that the words rang true when she was at home practicing. Ironic, right?! It was not until “My Secret Me” pointed out the same essential message that the lightbulb finally lit up and I realized this concept applies to my issues with mothering: “Relax (and trust) in the face of uncertainty, your heart knows what to do.”
So today I start out with a very new view of mothering. I laugh now at the pain and suffering. This universal truth applies in so many areas of my life and yet when in the darkness of self-doubt, I cannot see the light of this truth. Much like any training, I suppose, we must learn the same skills in many different settings for the lesson to apply.
Now to focus on the connections I have with my children, with less emphasis on what this looks like. All of this is so much part of my work of softening into femininity.
So on Good Friday I am so grateful to be back topside. Thank you to all of my loving supporters! Each of you played an important role in keeping me from drowning. Your words were life rafts when I felt the most alone. It is through our connections in this community that is helping each of us to be more and more free.
Special gratitude and heartfelt love to Amy, Tosha, Ken, Miriam, Wayne, Elizabeth, Rita, Stephen, Vic & Kay. I appreciate all the support I’ve received both on and offline, said and unsaid.
Looking forward to a much needed long weekend! ❤️🌻☀️☯
Image: Laurie Justus Pace