Unfixed: Embracing the Edges

I.

to me hell would be doing the same thing everyday.
looking at the same four walls, looking at and creating the same TPS Reports
having the same conversations and arguments with the same people.
constant data entry – please stick a needle in my eye.

at some point, I seek out the edges.
this also means that I often get cut.
What is the price I am willing to pay for a life unfixed?
how far am I willing to go?

options, I must have them. If they are not there, I will create them.
Along the edges, that’s where I grow. Much like a tree.
Now I ask myself, where is my boundary?
It is unfixed…

II.

Basically she told me that I was too independent. There was nothing for a man to fix. “He needs to feel needed,” she said.

Well, fuck that! I’m not un-fixing myself to help a man feel better about himself. Besides, if one looks closely enough, one will see the places where I am frayed.

Sometimes I crave the solidity of a man when my backbone feels too soft to support me. Other times, that’s the last thing I need: someone telling me what to do.

What I thought was a fixed “s”, I now am beginning to see is more of a “switch.” Yet another way in which I am unfixed. Another way in which I seek life on the edges…  unfixed

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now a beautiful speech by Maynard James Keenan. I highly recommend you listen if you agree with the statement that life is lived on the edges.

Image: Google

 

Image: ESA/Hubble

Holding You

I remember when holding you was the most magical thing I could do.
Your scent was intoxicating, your soft skin against mine was velvetine.
I loved the sounds you would make while you suckled at the breast.
The hand that would hold my finger in its tiny grasp.

I remember the kisses I would shower & you would gladly receive.
The gleam in your eyes as you would look into mine peacefully.
The giggles we would share without any care.
Now nights I lay awake, dreaming for another take.

Now it seems for all the love I have in my heart
just gets quartered and thrown apart.
Pulling myself together, stitching with threads
of my golden memories of you. What is a mother to do?

Now it seems your resentment and hatred like a volcano just spews.
I expected this would come one day, it just seems years too soon.
When I see you are down, I ask how I can help – go away! is your reply.
So now I hold you in my heart and as best I can, in the light.

I held her hand last night and read this to her then played the song I sang to her as a baby. It changed our dynamic completely. 

 

 

Hard to Resist

Hard to Resist
The desire to jump in the fire.
To “fix” the things that are unbroken.

Hard to Resist
peeling back the petals
to make the rose bloom faster.

Hard to Resist
rushing the ebbing tide
pressing it to flow back in again

Hard to Resist
the natural unfolding
To “undo” the things that were fine the first time.

For a blissful moment
I find myself able to breathe through all of this…resisting the resistance.

 

On Finding Love

[Rumi quote]

With each post and each level of submission to my fears,

I uncover a new way to Love myself.

At times tumultuous, and others torturous,

with each slip into the unknown,

i come back more alive and free.

Sometimes I resist this surrender.

I fight it tooth and nail.

scratching at demons with baby-like wails;

those creatures I so wish to impale.

Yet, they are all just another aspect of me,

each desiring and longing to be free.

only when I care stare them in the face

and see through my rage,

do I truly see they were lies

told to me at a young age.

So now I sit and study each facet.

Only then can I turn another page,

and live through another chapter.

There is no fairy tale ending.

Tomorrow is another level up,

bigger, badder demons in the same skins.

Time once again to sit with the within.

image: google

 

Strings

Strings sure make a mess of things.

Attached to this, stuck to that.

knotted and curled,

hard to unfurl5

Spagetti tangles

All within becomes a mess; mangled.

Strings, attached to things.

unable to come undone

without conscious living.

cutting, severing and releasing

giving it over to a higher power.

once again releasing my vision of you.

returning now to living free

and breathing. until the

strings again reform.

~~

image: Google

 

Permission to Feel

Today, I give myself permission to feel what is real for me
right now, right here in this moment, even if it is fleeting.
Suppressing the feelings just keeps me “in it.”
Denying the pain, pushing it away, causes persistence.

Seeing where I want to be and only focusing on the goal
keeps the anger, the fears & the things that keep me
from being truly free inside of me.
Pushing them down to the bottom of my cup,
only keeps them & me stuck.

Allowing the feelings, giving them permission to be
grants them access to egress and move about freely.
Once fully given permission & expressed, they leave me.
The Agape of God may then fully ingress
and fill my cup with the things I need to be more free.

Feeling it seems like irony…
yet this is a path to The Kingdom.

image: google

 

Pillar

feet dug into the shifting sands

waves crash around me

ahowing me my strength

salt spray stings my face

standing still, present

it’s time to be fully in this place

of acceptance

this, yes this, is where I am.

gaining ground in the

shifting sands

seeing my place is

to just be

doing no-thing.

allowing the waves to ebb

and flow without judgment.

in faith, knowing that I am

right where I am to be.

there is truly nothing to fear here

for those who know how to see

image: google

Just Be With It

Someone once said “change is inevitable, struggle is an option.” When we allow our situations to “just be” we allow ourselves to free. when we struggle, we just create more trouble.

Dear Tiffany,

when life sends you the need to move, to find a new place and you struggle against it and don’t pack until the very last minute, you find yourself in a very stressful situation. when you can just be with the feelings as they come up, they quickly wash away.

when life sends you two women in the same day who were sexually traumatized, reminding you of your own wounds, just be with it. just be present with the women, too. allow them to express and then explain to them how their past makes present sexual relationships challenging. just be with the feelings inside that rise to the surface.

when the anger that you have repressed spills over into your daughter and she reflects it back to you, appreciate her mirror. love her as you wanted to be loved when you were angry. she is working through what you didn’t and she needs your support. love her and remember to love yourself, too, for she is a reflection of you.

when life sends you a paranoid schizophrenic that you get to sit in a room with alone for an hour and interview, while all of your childhood fears and memories from being beaten by your adult schizophrenic cousin flood back it ~ just be with it and just be with him. after all, your jeep was safely untouched when you left the keys in the ignition for 8 hours and the doors off….

when life sends you a friend that would seem a great fit as a partner, and you know it’s just not mean not be – just be with it. enjoy what you learn about yourself in the interim. enjoy the presence of someone who can appreciate you more fully than anyone else ever has. just be with it, the feelings of unworthiness and the illusion of rejection. just be with the feelings of passion that are shared and appreciated between the two of you. just be with the new elements of yourself that are beginning to shine. just freaking allow it!

remember, when you struggle, dear Tiffany, you only bring yourself more trouble.

image: google

Multiple Choice Dating

decades ago I learned in SAT prep classes that the best way to figure out the answer to a question you don’t immediately know the answer to is to eliminate the ones you know are wrong. I would get excited to eliminate the wrong ones because I knew I was getting closer to the right ones.

so now I’m seeing where this also fits with dating…

This morning i wrote a post out of anger. I’ve since withdrawn it, there was too much anger. This is what came up for me at lunch while I was sitting outside enjoying the sun, the flowers and light breeze following a great meditation.

So here I am, happy to be back in my own skin again.

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