Dominance is not an Archetype

One of the reasons that I blog is to expand my view of the universe. Both by delving further inwardly as well as from gaining new perspectives from other bloggers. As such, I greatly appreciate hearing your perspectives even if they differ from my own. This for me is part of the process. So I encourage you to comment at will on this and other posts when you feel compelled. It helps us all to learn and grow.

While I had not planned to post again this week, I saw the post from Mr M below and juices started to flow. It is a thought provoking post that is a follow-up to Submission is not an Archetype. Whether you are part of the D/s lifestyle or not, I feel these are great posts to read as both of them help to dispel some of the common misconceptions about Doms and subs.

What I would personally add to the Dominance post is that I find (in my experience) that Doms are often intuitive and observant. Those who play Doms, based on superficial explorations of this lifestyle, seek to use and possibly even harm the partner without caring about the partner’s experience.

From my perspective, as a burgeoning submissive, submission is a gift. It is something that is gifted to the Dom as a symbol of trust and respect. Submission is not to be coerced or taken, the subject is not to be used, instead honored.

In my opinion, the D/s dynamic is to deepen the intimacy and connection between the partners to help bring about greater sexual and spiritual experiences through being present, being open, being honest while maintaining mutual respect for the other partner’s boundaries and place within the dynamic.

In my limited experience with submission, I have reached higher states of bliss and consciousness. Sexual pleasure as a submissive is more intense than I have experienced in “vanilla” partnerships. What was more interesting for me to discover is that I have also experienced greater states of spiritual bliss and calmness in subspace than I can usually achieve in meditation following years of practice.

At this point, I’m not sure if I can go back. Instead, I’m learning to discern those who are playing the role and those who are actually Dominant males. For instance my new red flag with a hard stop is now: “I’ll use you however I want.” Nope, Bro, it’s time for me to go. 

While I understand D/s is not for everyone, I feel that there is far more to it than is understood or recognized in the general population. It is my hope that more people can begin to pull off their blinders and gain a new perspective on something that so many shun and thus refuse to learn more about. So without further Adieu, here is the post by Mr. M:

About a year ago, I wrote a small piece entitled “Submission is Not an Archetype“. It was quite popular for a while and generated a lot of healthy discussion. If you have not read it, I encourage you to do so. At the time, my observation was that there were too many women who felt they […]

via Dominance is Not an Archetype — Mr. Modigliani’s Private Studio

13 thoughts on “Dominance is not an Archetype

      • My pleasure. I track with you on the “I’ll use you however I want” thingy. Not so much; unless he’s got an overwhelming desire to live as a eunuch.

        I was never able to completely wrap my head around the terms, titles and protocols. I’m not a fan of labels of any kind really. We researched D/s for the sake of finding a name for what was transpiring between us – this organic shift into more clearly defined roles – but the formality was more of a turn off than turn on. The ‘power’ aspect of the dynamic was never sexy to me. I don’t need or desire his power over me. I have plenty of my own. The surrendering to natural instincts in a trusting relationship was and still is very much the turn on and the source of freedom.

        It provided such good information (mostly!) and tools for phenomenal communication skills but nothing either of us wished to apply as any type of permanent structure. Then again there’s more than a handful of bullshit out here as well. The internet seems to be the land of insta-experts. We’d already acknowledged the kink, the role preferences and the needs/desires so we just kept moving in that direction and shelved the formality.

        The exploration for me was about surrendering to TRUST; something I’d never been willing to do completely where he or anyone else was concerned and that changed the rest of my day to day life.

        I have dear, dear friends who embrace and thrive in the D/s dynamic, with all its formality; and it is a true blessing to watch that flower and blossom.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Rita,
        We have several aspects here in common. It is not about power for me, it is more about trusting enough to not feel the need to control. And like you, it is about communicating. The last partner and I talked about many fantasies, including some Ive not shared with anyone, and am hesitant to include even on sexshadows. It was freeing to be able to share my desires with someone without judgment and to incorporate some items into our experiences.
        Sadly, the red flags started showing up so i was grateful he made things easy for me….
        The submissive role for me is also part of healing my sexuality and past sexual abuses. Before I started exploring submission, to have a man tell me what to do or wear was never going to happen. In fact, I was taken by surprise when I was turned on by a man telling me what to do in fantasy play (aka sexting). I was immediately like what the fuck is going on? In doing research into it, many subs have careers that require frequent decision making and power. Being submissive is giving permission to let someone else drive…within boundaries.
        I feel that it is up to each person and his/her partner to determine how they want to share their experiences. While I also do not like labels, it can help in communicating preferences. Yet, further communicating boundaries as well as like/dislikes and desires is imperative.
        I am not a slave nor a robot. Being submissive for me is not about being ordered how to live my life. It’s more about my sexuality and exploring new experiences, new edges, and discovering my own boundaries within the safety of partnership with cooperation and trust. Submission for me is not turning over all of the keys and turning into a sack of potatoes. Yet, I feel many “outsiders” believe this is the case. It surprises many of my friends, especially my college roommate & BFF, when I talk with them about my new view. You’d think I had sprouted 3 heads. “You willing take orders from a man? And you like it? GTFO!”
        ❤️ Tiffany

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Tiffany, this is a very interesting exploration. I’m not sure about my reaction as I think through this after a few reads. I’m sort of stuck on the characterization of men “role playing” as Doms having certain negative attributes. I’d be interested in seeing you expand on how a “real” Dom behaves. Mr. M suggests there isn’t a archetypical Dom. I agree with this as written. However, as you know, each woman has her archetypical male-animus. Therefore, if you crave a Dom, your animus is a Dom and also an archetype. If he is an archetype, he is infinite and no man can sustain that projection indefinitely. Each Dom you dismiss may be the genuine ideal for another woman…just not your ideal. Some Doms may dismiss you as “role playing” a submissive using a similar rationale. One last thought, you know when the connection is right you will feel divine bliss…it happens to millions of us all over the world and has always existed. It is a special feeling but it isn’t unique. How does it look in one year…two years…three years? Look for what sustains enduring love more so than drivers of divine bliss.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Michael,
      You are a gift of a catalyst to me yet again. Showing me myself in ways that I could not see alone.
      That sentence about men playing Doms was in reference to two things. One was the conversation thread in the comments of Mr. M’s original post between Mr M and Eric. Eric comments about how some are taking too casual an approach to the D/s dynamic and acting immature with it. Both seemed to agree that not everyone understands D/s. The second part to this statement was in reference to men I have met in online dating experiences who were seemingly only interested in their own experiences and what they could extract from women w/out discussion (Mr M talks about the importance of communication in his paragraph that begins, “The lessons that Doms must learn…”). The men playing Doms statement was not directed at you nor anyone else in the WP community. I am sorry if I upset you with this, as I did not elaborate very much on it in my post (lesson learned).

      And yes, I could absolutely be dismissed myself as submissive. As someone who is still growing in her own understanding of herself in submission, this is new to me, Perhaps I could have stated that more than once in the original post.

      The comment that gave me the greatest pause was the one about looking for what sustains enduring love. For so long I have dreamt about and sought enduring love that perhaps I have become jaded about it. I repeatedly fall for the men who are unavailable in one or more of the following realms: physically, emotionally, spiritually or sexually (never mentally…interesting). In seeking love in unavailable places, I now see where I have overlooked where I am internally blocked to it. In recent weeks, I have stopped looking outwards and started looking inwards. So at this time, I am unable to answer the questions you pose regarding the future.
      Thank you, again, Michael for your comments and helping me to see myself better.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hi Tiffany 🙂 I didn’t at all feel offended or in anyway take your writing personally. I genuinely thought it was an engaging post. I sort of wanted to spin it around at look at it from several different angles. I’ve never really positioned myself as a Dom. More and Alpha-type, competitive, control the world around me male. I admittedly have a bias towards love with sexual fantasies/fetishes being sexual play rather than a permanent state of being within the relationship. But, I know that is my personal bias. I have gone through the cycle of romantic love…divine bliss…she is my soul mate…I have never felt anything like this in my life…probably a dozen times. I hate to scoff at heaven on earth but we can’t sustain that kind of passion infinitely. Imagine the man that stands the test of time with you. You are both 75 years old and enjoying some wine on your porch. What is happiness at that point? I bet you think about sitting on a porch swing with your hand locked in his as you two laugh and enjoy one another’s company…taking in a gorgeous sunset…you have similar hobbies and interests…you do things together…you want to be together…you are best friends. You automatically smile when you see his face in the morning. Or, is it most important that you have a collar around your neck, that he disciplines you, and maintains in a D/s relationship as a lifestyle. I believe you look for the first type of man and explore the fetish with him as sexual play rather than a perpetual state of being. I’ve followed your journey for a while now and I’m vested in you. I want to see you happy. If you lead with Dom as your first attribute, you are excluding the majority of men from your universe and dealing with fringe fetishes. Fetishist may seem common here on WP but all of us here are at one deviation from the norm and many are two deviations, ha! It is even wilder on the fetish websites. Don’t lose sight of what is most important as you become fascinated and excited by a sexual fantasy/fetish. Btw, I’m not saying you are doing any of this or feeling the things I’m bringing up. Just thoughts from a friend that genuinely wants to see you happy :-):-*

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you, Michael for clarifying. I wouldn’t say that I lead with Dom as a trait and I’m in no way ready (don’t know I ever will be) for fet sites. Yes, I agree, exploration of D/s now and 30+ years from know would probably be in exploration than an outwardly expressed lifestyle.
        It seems that in this conversation thread that I have discovered another aspect of my inner world where I feel cold to love. I called it jadedness in my last comment. Perhaps that was an understatement. It feels like more like Antarctica. So much so that I can’t see, even fantasize about the future. Lots of exploring to be done. I’d rather see love as a warm desert than a frozen ice sheeted one, 😬.
        Thank you, Michael, for being vested and caring. The feeling is mutual. I’d also like to see you happy. It’s nice to see you back!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you Tiffany :-* I seemed to be on a bit of a writing binge last night. If my last comment was too much, please feel free to delete…it won’t hurt my feelings. 🙂 You are in a large community with many of us trying to figure out similar paths. I have no doubt that when you are fully illuminated, your Antartica will become a tropical oasis right before your eyes. Glad to be back ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • Michael, your comment was not too much. Not that I want to challenge you to “light me up” in a negative way, that is, you’ll have to try harder to upset me to get me to delete a comment. In fact, I’m grateful for your comments. They lead me to see a part of myself I had not seen before. This, my friend, is so much of why I’m here blogging: to excavate the authentic self. To do so, I must sift through the different aspects of myself so that I may reintegrate the parts that I have distanced or disengaged. Please continue to share your perspective, especially when I forget to expand or leave out a perspective.
        Thank you for the bright spots to look forward to re the illuminated oasis. This too shall pass.
        Have a great weekend!


  2. Tiffany, I read through this again. You are exploring and communicating with honesty. I think our primary obligation in life is really a journey within to become our true selves, and the more honest we can be with ourselves and with others about that journey, the better. Be yourself, explore the edges of your desire, ask questions, explore, have new experiences. It really is one of the best opportunities in life and one that many don’t contemplate seriously. You do and that is a very good thing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Mr M! What a timely reply. I’m starting to embrace my need for variety and exploration in life. Now to find that balance so that I’m not burnt out from the trailblazing.
      Thank you for your reply, I know you’ve been busy.


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