Holding You

I remember when holding you was the most magical thing I could do.
Your scent was intoxicating, your soft skin against mine was velvetine.
I loved the sounds you would make while you suckled at the breast.
The hand that would hold my finger in its tiny grasp.

I remember the kisses I would shower & you would gladly receive.
The gleam in your eyes as you would look into mine peacefully.
The giggles we would share without any care.
Now nights I lay awake, dreaming for another take.

Now it seems for all the love I have in my heart
just gets quartered and thrown apart.
Pulling myself together, stitching with threads
of my golden memories of you. What is a mother to do?

Now it seems your resentment and hatred like a volcano just spews.
I expected this would come one day, it just seems years too soon.
When I see you are down, I ask how I can help – go away! is your reply.
So now I hold you in my heart and as best I can, in the light.

I held her hand last night and read this to her then played the song I sang to her as a baby. It changed our dynamic completely. 

 

 

28 thoughts on “Holding You

  1. Oh God Tiffany ,now I understand, your love for her is so beautiful and it’s heartbreaking too. I wish I could tell you there’s a magic secret but every child is different. If I were to say anything, I would say be consistent, in your love for them, and discipline. They need to know you love them even when they are unloveable. God knows this is so hard to do. I made many a misteke and you will to, be honest with them, ask for thier forgiveness and get on with parenting, the hardest, most rewarding thing you will ever do. Praying for you and the kids, You can do this Kiddo! All my love ❤ Ken

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Another mother chiming in to say you are most definitely NOT alone in this experience.

    But also to say that when the harsh wind of life sets its sights on our children, they do indeed remember their hiding place and you’ll find a ‘no longer little’ head tucked up under your chin once again and fingers curled tight around yours.

    Liked by 2 people

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