it is interesting to now see
what has become of me.
the things about him that
i now relive, yet the
things that repulse me equally.
“men who look older than my father”
are unavailable for me sexually.
the bile rises in the back of my throat
no wonder I seek now men who are younger.
the flip side, you see, he was like family.
to be trusted… yet he hurt me, deeply
& repeatedly used me… yet, until now I
unconsciously sought men who did the same.
i have trusted the wrong ones again and again
with the innocence of a young child.
in trust i have repeatedly given them
my heart and sometimes my body.
the taproot that was once blinded to me
is now seen. pulling, tugging and ripping
up this weed. seeing how trust was given
way too easily as a child that now is no more.
awareness of my solar plexus as i take in a new breath.
the waters of my emotions begin to calm once more.
i pick myself up off the floor, this ride was fast and hard.
seeing with eyes that see and a heart that feels each beat.
another pocket of shame that was binding me
to a past that is no more, swept up now the ashes
of the old me that was shed the moment i allowed
this understanding to fill my head.
i rise up once again to live!