The Law of Returns

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If we want more then we need to be willing to give more.

Want someone to love you? Love that person first. If everyone is waiting for the other to step forward, then no one does.

To gain trust, trust others and yourself more. Be vulnerable to those you want to be vulnerable to you.

Feel like everyone protects themselves in armor, where are you guarding against love?

Feel that someone is cheating you, where are you cheating that person or, better yet, yourself?

We can only receive the things that we are also willing to give.

Shame – “Something is wrong with me”& Guilt – “I did something wrong” block our ability to give and to receive. Where do you feel these emotions? Dig deeply and investigate fully. The rewards you will reap will bestow you with a new light on life.

Feeling abandoned? Where have you abandoned yourself?

Feeling punished? Where are you punishing yourself?

Personally, I believe sinning is where we have turned away from Love. If you believe yourself to be a sinner, where have you turned away from Yourself? If you struggle with this answer, then a quick GPS is: Where did your caregivers not love you enough? 

Breathe through and be with whatever comes up. Emotions want to move, not stay stuck within you. Allow them to exit. You no longer need to suffer, Dear One. It’s okay to not feel okay. The pain is temporary when we allow it to leave.

 

images: google

Reclaiming Our Bodies

This is how it feels to become disconnected from one’s body during a traumatic event. Many are familiar with the “fight or flight” response. There is also a “freezing” of the body that occurs when one feels death is imminent. Some believe this is a way to not experience pain during death. Survivors are then left to wonder why they did not fight when the body went to sleep and froze, against their will.

Please take the time to read this courageous and beautifully told story of one woman’s loss of and then reclaiming of her own body.

 

 

See a girl below you on a bed, her dress red just like yours, her yellow hair in a pixie cut, just like yours. You will notice ash on her sleeve. You will view all this from your balloon perch on the ceiling. Glance back at the girl, you’ll see a zombie: mouth agape, arms glued to her sides, body frozen in place, eyes focused on a distant world. The big boy with the dark hair is there, his hands ripping her zipper.

via The Alpha and Omega of The Out of Body Girl by Joyce Hayden — Dear Hope

Breathing & Allowing

Fear is an emotional state of being. When we allow our fears (anger, jealousy, sadness, shame, etc) to run their course through us, we become free from them in that moment and the moments that follow.

Breathing through the experience while feeling the emotions allows us to come to a place of peace after the wave peaks and the tides ebb again.

Our emotions, when allowed, rise and fall just as the tides. We cannot hold the waters in. While we can erect dams, but these just block the free flow of the rivers…keeping the emotions in. 

Ever notice how the word motion is in emotion? Feelings, like our bodies, are meant to move!

Allowing and breathing grants the emotions to access to the exit. Feel as much of your body as you allow the emotions to move through… Then get up and move your body, too!

Image: Google

Obligatory Sex

Trigger warning for survivors and cosurvivors of sexual abuse or assault. 

As a physical therapist who works with (mostly) women with pelvic pain and dysfunction, I am reading “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life” by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.

Many of my clients either cannot have sex at all or at least not without pain. Pain during sex is NOT normal. I don’t give a damn what your GYNs may say. They’re wrong. 

So I teach my clients relaxation techniques that are similar to mediation. I teach them how to breathe (so many don’t), how to contract their muscles (many don’t properly) and how to get back in touch with their bodies, literally and figuratively. Many of them are sexual abuse and/or assault survivors.

It helps them when I share that I, too, use to have pain with sex, with pelvic exams and with tampon use. I also often share that I, too, was sexually abused.

I explain to them the anatomy and physiology of arousal. Many are surprised to know that, for the most part, arousal is blocked when we are stressed. Past negative sexual experiences can affect our current sexual experiences as well. Even when we feel safe.  Even when we feel love towards our current partners. Even when we want to have sex with them.

So, here I am, reading this book knowing these things and I’m hit with a concept I had never considered. I’ve had sex, more often than I’d care to admit, out of obligation and fear of assault than out of desire. I threw up a little in my mouth with this awareness. 

Yes, I just said that. Me. A sexually liberated woman has had sex when she didn’t really want to. And she didn’t fight it because she was more afraid of being raped than she was of being (out of obligation) consenting.

Yeah, Holy (insert explicitive) Cow, Batman! Seems I need a superhero to save me from myself. 

I’m counting and only 2:5 men I’ve had sex with were truly consensual on my part. The rest were obligatory. I feared my survival or that they would force me. So I didn’t stop them. That’s not consent.

In having experienced the “freeze response” with the loss of bodily control in the face of imminent danger (think possum), I preferred to allow men to do what they needed without putting on the brakes in fear they would then try to force it.

2:5 only includes men who had sex with me. This does not include those who kissed me when I didn’t want or touched me in ways I didn’t want. So that ratio would look worse if I included men with whom I had sexual encounters that did not end with sex. That’s a more challenging figure to calculate.

Dogs are given to chase if the cat runs. I calculated my risks and determined it was better to not run…for risk of also freezing and losing all control.

I wish I could say never again. This is my hope, of course, and awareness is the first step to change.

So now I go about allowing myself to feel shame so that I can allow myself to forgive myself, thus reducing my likelihood of repeating this pattern. I used the tools I’ve listed below to help me through the tough parts.

This was a huge pill to swallow. Yet I see where I repeated this pattern and where I shamed myself for it afterwards. This has blocked me from being more open and intimate. Now I choose to let it all move through and away from me.

It is my hope that I can pass less shame onto my children with this work that I am doing here. May they never have to experience this, nor be the perpetuation of it either.

Techniques to clear emotions:

Image: Google

Seduction of the Moon 

Rain-slicked streets

Stormy summer night

The air thick with humidity

In and out of Lacey clouds

She peeks.

Golden sliver of something great.

I try to hold the edges secure

Slipping off, the blood spills

I see: The only time is now.

Everything changes with another breath

or tick of the clock.

I cannot keep secure what I felt slipping

As I too have already changed

Blood has been shed, dripping.

Cycles may repeat, yet the moon today

Is not what she was yesterday.

For I am now different.

As the seer alters the seen.

Image: Google

Degrees of Freedom

Freedom from emotions that threaten to crush us occurs in degrees. When we allow our feelings their due course, they move through and out of us. The challenge is that in the fear of feeling we often block the process, which keeps these emotions locked in our bodies and in our subconscious. These blocked emotions then secretly direct and control our actions – because we then move about our lives in fear of feeling them. Sometimes we also find ourselves blaming others. Good ol’ projection keeps us from taking steps to fix the underlying issue that’s within us.

To sit and allow these emotions their “time in court” permits us to gain increasingly greater degrees of freedom. By unpacking these emotions, like unpacking a suitcase that we’ve been carrying around over the course of our lifetimes, lifts that weight from us and we are able to begin moving about with a greater lightness to our steps as those unpacked emotions no longer weigh on us nor control us.

By sitting through each emotion and giving it time to speak uninhibited, the emotions can move through quickly, though at times intensely.

As a passionate woman, I feel things very deeply, throughout my entire body at times. Sometimes I experience physical pain as the emotions move through. Regardless of how strong the emotion is, I do my best to give it my fullest attention until its time is done and like a cloud whose time is done, it simply disintegrates.

I know there will be more clouds, more storms and more emotions to weather. I also know that there is more freedom to be gained in allowing them all to pass through. Fighting the hurricane requires too much effort to maintain. In the end, we are only fighting ourselves.

In going through this process, I often reach out for assistance from a Higher Power. Today was no exception. For instance, I asked to be held when I felt alone. When I feared the emotions would break me, I asked for support and imagined my backbone becoming stronger and more resilient. I became my own pillar through the grace of my Higher Power.

Here are some of the emotions, somewhat in order, as I experienced them today in working through a very powerful emotional storm. We’re talking gale-force winds, horizontal rains, hail, thunder and maybe even some fire and brimstone. Pervasive emotions are denoted by an asterisk.

*Grief, sadness
Anger
Betrayal
*Unrequited desire for love
*Rejection
Emptiness
Shame
*inadequacy
*unworthiness
Being used or harvested
A desire to leave, escape, run away (GTFO)
*Longing for death
Seeing visions and feeling transported back to “the house” a place of many dark memories where abuse occurred regularly.

Once I reach the “death” stage, I know I am almost done. I see this as the peeling back of the final layer of my old self. This is a form of submission, as well. Giving into the feeling allows me to be free of it, even the desire for death.

Following this process, I often feel a sense of relief. Sometimes I can feel a lingering sense of mourning, as in a way, part of me has died. At this stage, I set about asking my Higher Power to fill me with Love, support, acceptance and anything else that I feel I need in that moment. It is then that I am often overcome with a great sense of peace. Sometimes I feel somewhat tired, other times I feel energized. Regardless, I always feel more free.

Here are some of my observations over the four plus years I’ve practiced emotional alchemy:

  • The more we can weather, the more perfect the storm becomes.
  • The higher we fly spiritually, the deeper we must dig emotionally.
  • The desire to leave often precedes the desire for death.
  • The stronger the emotion, the more it needs to be heard, the more freedom regained.
  • The more I dread and avoid the process, the greater the rewards when I allow it to occur.

Please join me in gaining more degrees of freedom!

Image: google

 

Passion’s Freedom

Emotions twirl in eddies

spinning in spirals that rise and fall

a whirling vortex of feeling

completely consumes the moment.

if permitted it flows in rivers of silver.

dams built to slow or stop the flow

create a backflow that floods the banks.

trees uprooted in the floods’ wake.

emotions felt deeply smooth out

the roughest rocks given time and toil.

the river will eventually flow unimpeded

Irregardless of my wishes.

learning that allowing it to be what it is

gives me a new freedom of expression

and prevents the blunting of my passions.

permission, an all access pass, given to be

just what I am here to be: me unimpeded.

Loving Fearlessly

Dear Tiffany,

Love is about loving even when it’s scary and even if it is not reciprocated. It’s not about walking away just because it’s (seemingly) one-sided; unrequited.

As heart breaking as this sounds… it’s about being present and allowing while detaching oneself from the hope that there could be more. Even if it hurts to stay, it would hurt more to walk away.

To love only with the promise of it being returned is a condition. “I will only love you if you love me,”isn’t Love, dear Tiffany.

So go forward and love fearlessly, without condition. Allow love to invade all aspects of your heart. Only then can you be free.

Warmly,

Your Heart

PS You can only gain from that which you actually invest and what you build now creates inroads for the future.

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Painting: Leonid Afremov “Tango of Passion” via Google

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