Rose Colored View

This past weekend delivered another powerful lesson to me about love. It was through several events that I saw I also held the unconscious belief that love was impermanent. It was as if I needed continual rejnforcement that someone loved me. I also saw this reflected in my children.

While I can immediately tie this to many relationships I have had since childhood where it seemed I was loved one minute and not the next, deep down I know that love is truly infinite. “Mean Girls” scenes come to mind when I recall childhood. To avoid “losing” that loving feeling, I would try to control love by being “the best” I could be, or at least what I believed was the best, anyway.

Let’s just say this belief and its coping mechanisms (one being perfectionism) started very early, before I knew what a lover was. Now I am clearing the concept that love is impermanent and cannot be maintained, as well as the belief that I can control how someone feels about me.

Part of what illuminated this belief was when I started doing some energy experiments from the book E-cubed by Pam Grout. One of the first experiments, in a recap from E-squared, is to show that we create our own realities by what we choose as our focus. So I asked for the Creator/Universe to show me that I am loved, my job was to attentively look for signs for the next 48 hours.

Almost immediately, I started to notice three things en mass pretty quickly: sugar skulls, butterflies and roses, among other things. All three subjects involve the cycles of life. Namely, for me, I see the theme of rebirth. The shear abundance of these three things grabbed my attention. Then there was a lull and I then felt, “what happened, am I no longer loved?” It was as if a lightbulb went off and illuminated my self-limiting beliefs.


In waiting at a stoplight Tuesday, the song “Broken” started to play. I immediately began to identify the areas in my life where I have felt broken. Before I sank too far, I was reminded to acknowledge these areas while focusing on all of the places where things are actually going quite well.  Soon after, I moved into gratitude for all of the beauty in my life (another theme with roses, butterflies and sugar skulls, for me).

By giving gratitude for what is going well, we increase the focus on what we desire. It is as if we’re ordering from the menu at our favorite restaurant where we focus on what we do want…and gratitude for receiving our order increases the return on our investments. 

This song “Kiss From a Rose” pulls together several themes and highlights the illumination of the darkness, showing that love heals when we allow it to.

Note: “Apache Rose Peacock” played as I debated posting this today. It’s jaw-dropping lyrics certainly had my attention and were further proof that everything is coming up roses (and beauty). 🌹


Images:  tiffanybeingfree



Growing Love: Self-Care Begins Inside

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” —ELEANOR ROOSEVELT, FORMER FIRST LADY

So somewhere in life we are taught to believe that love is limited and conditional. For some of us this is expressed as self-hatred and self-neglect. For others it means we treat everyone around us like shit. Perhaps for the vast majority there is a combination of both.

Hurt people hurt people, as the saying goes. To begin to change our hurts, it is imperative that we acknowledge them…most of the time many of us run from the hurt feelings – myself included. Adding further insult to injury, I often “layeth down the guilt” when I am not 100% satisfied with my own actions, responses or performances in life.

Self-punishment creates within us a stress response. When we attack ourselves we are both the victim and the aggressor. Our bodies release fight, flight or freeze hormones as if our very survival depended on our next response. The terrible thing is that we cannot flea from ourselves. So on some level, we continually produce stress for ourselves and for this we suffer.

Stress hormones affect our bodies’ ability to function normally. Over time, these stress hormones can lead to: addictions, weight gain, fertility loss, insomnia, hypertension, impotence, constipation, dis-eases (heart, lung, metabolic) and decreased sexual responses to name a few things. Often, we then stress over the effects of our stress and thus create …. more stress.


Learning to love ourselves in gentle ways, looking for the places where we have blocked ourselves to love, and choosing different methods of self-improvement outside of punishment and guilt or shaming ourselves, we can become more accepting and loving of ourselves. The more we love and accept ourselves, the wider our circle of love expands.

This weekend I was shown another way in which I had been limiting love. I saw where I believed that someone, anyone (i.e. my mother, father, friends and even lovers) can only contain so much love. If that person showed too much love for anyone else, singular or plural, then there would be no love left for me. As you can probably see, this played out as jealousy and even sibling rivalry.

Now I see differently! The more people a person is open to loving, the more capacity that person has for love. The more diversity in a person’s interactions with others is a reflection of how much more that person can accept him or herself and others! So people who can only love “their kind” are limiting their love more than someone who can love and accept diverse groups for who they are.

I know, this concept almost goes without saying. Yet, it seems to elude us as a species… So it bears repeating. The greater we can love a broader range of peoples and individuals, the more open we are to love.

So now I’m seeing where I limit my love for others and even more so for myself. When I’m not “minding my p’s and q’s,” the way I believe I should be, I can really tear myself down and apart. In passive aggressive ways I treat myself like crap. This has got to stop. I cannot continue to treat myself like a second-class citizen while expecting others to love & respect me. It’s time, once again, to roll up my sleeves and pull some weeds, then plant new seeds.

People who love themselves can help others to see they no longer need to live in the land of suffering. So today and everyday, let us pull those weeds of self-hatred and loathing. Let us find a new way to open to love.



images: Google

Up for the Downstroke ~ Cultivating Happiness

Doing the same thing everyday becomes monotonous quickly and creates dissatisfaction.

Creating new ways to do the routine things in life adds some spice and warms the heart.

Yesterday, while I made my breakfast, I played “Up for the Downstroke” by Parliament. Though I pan-scrambled my eggs the same way I do everyday, damn, if they didn’t taste better. I think it was all the hip shaking, sliding and gliding I did while I was making them. Now I have the weekend to practice my grooves before my kids are here to witness my new routine…shaking it!

Today (and everyday) I encourage you to find a new way to bring happiness into your life. After all, happiness is truly an inside job.

Now dance like no one is watching and get up for the downstroke, that’s an order!

Image: Google

If You’re Like Me…

You see the things that others miss

You hear what is said in the spaces and the silences.

Life is best lived on the edges

Too much of one thing leaves a desire for leaving.

Many call you eclectic. 

Your type is “no type,”

Whether it’s food, music or lovers.

You’ve been called to a Higher Purpose

At times it scares you and at times you feel you’re chasing something you’ll never meet.

Wonderful things happen to you serendipitously, and often. Miraculously.

Others often tell you that you’re “just what they needed” or a “a breath of fresh air.”

Sometimes, or often, you overthink things…. 

As you enjoy the analysis, understanding  and the learning of new things.

You want to soar and yet you often clip your own wings

Or you stare over the edge, not believing in your abilities…

People think they know you,

People with whom you’ve been friends for years 

don’t know some of the things that others, 

almost strangers, know so well.

You hide in fear of being exposed,

Yet your true desire is to be fully unclothed.

Words are your weapons or your gift,

You can use them to bring others to their knees…

Either in praise of you or in desperate surrender.

Your power both calls to you and frightens you.

You are a magnet. Sometimes you wish to repel.

Others can energize you or deplete you.

While you can be the extrovert, and recharge at crowded venues of your liking,

your true nature and deepest desires are introverted (perhaps you’re ambiverted?).

Too much of either extreme can be detrimental:

Too much extroversion drains you

Too much introversion depresses.

You’ve felt the pull of another for most of your life,

When in the right frame of mind, you can feel her, as she feels you, too.

You want the intimacy of answering that call,

Yet the vulnerability scares you. (That’s putting it lightly).

Those who have a sight beyond the physical are either in awe or fear of you. 

They see where you hide and often that frightens even you.

You have a knack for choosing the most expensive items, 

even if you don’t indulge your desires.

A jack of all trades, yet unlike most, you do master some.

You always seek to further your education,

Even beyond what is called for with your profession.

When in (seemingly) dangerous situations, 

You feel somehow protected and held. 

You are very sensual and your heart is 

Bigger than anything within you,

Yet you protect it as if it were the crowned jewel. 

You know your heart is meant to be shared,

Yet you have been hurt from wearing your heart on your sleeve,

So often you keep your sleeves covered.

Your heart desires the exposure…

Deep down this conflicting desire scares you.

You feel limited by the human condition.

You desire to control the things you ultimately cannot, 

The free will of others is beyond your grasp. 

The power is in the surrender. 

Without her, at some level, you feel incomplete.

I could continue and now it’s time to move onto other adventures, for which I’m now late 😉

Namaste: the light in me sees and honors the light in you…

Making the Time

Frequently I find myself saying that I don’t have time for something:

To feel what I’m feeling. I’ll feel it later. 

To take an extra second or two to be sure that I did it right the first time. I’ll fix it later.

To cut my kids’ pancakes. I need to get ready.

To do a 5-8 minute exercise routine. I don’t have time for that.

To fill up the gas tank. I’ll wait until it’s on “E.”

To check the mail. It will be there tomorrow, it’s only bills anyway.

To listen to my daughter when she’s angry or sad. I’ve got to get ready.

Last Tuesday, I stopped and realized what I was really saying is that I don’t have time to love. What am I getting ready for? To what destination am I rushing?

So starting now, I am challenging myself to pause for a moment longer and ask myself: how can I make this moment more meaningful? how can I express more love, more compassion, and have more in this moment? 

While in many ways I have been doing this throughout my life, this is a new level of understanding and a new level of accountability. Challenge: Accepted!

Let the games begin! 

Interestingly Thursday morning I was almost in an accident because a woman who didn’t have time to apply her face (makeup) at home was doing so while driving 45mph+. She then suddenly cut into my lane when traffic in hers stopped… I hope she now finds 5 mins in her morning to not apply her face and drive! 

Being Balanced

This seems an ongoing, burgeoning quest at times. This past year has brought many changes and I’m still digesting many of them. Now my path is leading me on another uphill ascent. 

Work demands are increasing. 4 weeks ago I started splitting my time between two clinics. Then next week I will be taking on an intern for the next 8 weeks, at least part-time. During this time I have two work presentations. And because my life isn’t busy enough, I will also be sitting for a certification exam in less than 10 weeks. This is something for which I must study (and it’s a BFD, lifetime achievement type of exam).

In a few weeks summer will be over and my son will begin Kindergarden. My custody nights will be spent doing homework with two kids….

All of this and I’m hoping to keep up with my 2-4 day/week gym routine. It’s been helping to keep my mind at greater ease. Secondary are the benefits I’m seeing and feeling with my body.

As such, I’ve already begun to throttle back on my WP time. It’s not been easy to  to leave so many posts of yours unread. You’ll probably notice that I will continue to taper both the frequency of my posts as well as comments/likes for yours. For this I apologize and yet I’m also confident that you’ll understand. 


Autumn leaves falling already? 

Touching the Fraility at the Core

The featured image came up Friday on FB’s “on this day” from last year. I reposted it joking I needed it tattooed on my forearm. Then later in the morning, I witnessed the fraility of a woman who is also my toughest client. She casts out barbs and talks down to me as I genty ask her how she had been, as if blaming me for her very condition (or existence). 

Her behavior triggered me. Within the same treatment session, she gave me a quick glimpse of how truly frail she is at her core. Through the looking glass, I began to see my own wounded little girl and how my own behavior has been over the past…

Today during a guided meditation on self-love, I met my most wounded self. Zooming out from the core, I saw how defensive (and evasive) I can continue to be in an effort to protect my wounded self from the world, or is it to protect the world from me? 


Expectations unmet

Disappointment breeds discontent 

The wounded girl cries out

Bound and gagged in the darkest dungeon

Yet her cries can still be felt

Pulling on the strings of my heart

Her confusion drives my mind in circles.

Like the rabbit,

In fear I run back to where I started.

To let her lose would bring annihilation

For the wounded girl at the core knows

How to slay perceived enemies 

In one deadly blow, her sword sharpened 

By years of desolation.

Her battle brings imminent death

In an effort to protect her essential core.

Best to be met at the castle gates by 

Boiling tar, poured out like

Molten lava from cast iron cauldrons

Than to breech the gates.

The moat really is there

For your own protection…

Best to heed its warning.


Bringing light to the ordinary,

The stranger,

The wounded,

And the lovable

Aspects of myself,

Allowing the seams to 

Fold together,

Stitching the patterns with

Threads of golden light,

Once again breathing in sweet unison

Repeated until the next undoing,

Giving the girl what she really seeks and

Needs: love and attention without any

Conditions. Acceptance brings her 

The light she needs

To see the walls of the dungeon

Only ever existed in her imagination….

“Meditation Studio” is the app I used today. The meditation was “self-love.” While I liked the meditation, I don’t like how the statements seem to ask for permission (i.e. May I be happy). So I changed the affirmations to present tense. This is what I did, instead:

  • I am happy.
  • I am healthy.
  • I am at peace.


Image: Google 

Motivation through punishment?

Yesterday was a gym day in a week with only a few days of gym options. 

Repeatedly I told myself I “had” or needed to get up and get to the gym. (This version has been edited for your aesthetic reading pleasure).

So guess whose hips stayed in bed even though she was wide awake? 

Later in the day, when reviewing a technique to help a client with her PT goals the light bulb went off. She was telling me how in talking to herself she was “forcing” herself to do this technique. So the technique was not being so effective for her as she needed to be relaxed to do it… 

I spoke with her about how demotivating that sounded to me, and offered an alternative, “This will help me.” I quickly applied the salve to myself.

Guess whose hips made it to the gym today?

She was my mirror when I was unable to see the answer for myself, I was able to see it for her and then apply it to myself.


Image: Google 

a dreamer’s dream

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.”

~Khalil Gibran

through the fog
he could see
the beauty bound
within scars.

there was no hiding
nor cajoling.
no shrugging permitted.
simply naked & vulnerable.

able to see straight to the truth
his eyes fixated on the darkest
spots on my soul,
the sadness welling up in sets.

waiting for the 180
instead reaching, touching,
& appreciating the beauty
within the suffering.

wading through the
languid beauty
within the pools of his eyes,
there i heard the magical word:

image: google

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