For as much as I seek love and call in the energy of a well-matched available lover, I also fear His presence in my life. In the past, feeling unworthy was part of the Catch 22, yet sifting through the muck I see more.
For many years I’ve questioned the existence of an available and mortal man to love me and all of my seeming messes. While I now believe in the possibility of a mortal man to exist, I harbor fears now that question my ability to meet him. Fears of rejection, abandonment and betrayal have been pervasive. Even though their intensity is diminished, these fears still exist.
As much as I desire to be fully seen, I also fear it. There’s also a huge fear of the level of connection and vulnerability that a match would bring. To be held accountable and unable to hide at such a high level causes some level of fright. So once again I find myself waffling and uncertain. This makes for an inability to bring to me the very things I desire.
With each weed that I have pulled from my garden, a new weed is uncovered. It is my choice what grows in this garden of mine. Now to figure out how to cross that bridge to get to where I am pulling fewer weeds and instead spending more time nurturing the plants I want to see. That is where I seem to be, once again working to change my focus from what is wrong to what is right.
Post-script: Writing is my release, the healing salve I need to gain perspective and rise up again (and again). After scheduling this post, thus releasing another layer of fears, my mind found the memory of acceptance:
What will be will be. The Universe conspires to make what needs to happen to happen. Ultimately we’re all connected.
Related reading “Love Made in Heaven” about twin flames