Catch 22: The Desire for & Fear of Connection 

For as much as I seek love and call in the energy of a well-matched available lover, I also fear His presence in my life.  In the past, feeling unworthy was part of the Catch 22, yet sifting through the muck I see more. 

For many years I’ve questioned the  existence of an available and mortal man to love me and all of my seeming messes. While I now believe in the possibility of a mortal man to exist, I harbor fears now that question my ability to meet him. Fears of rejection, abandonment and betrayal have been pervasive. Even though their intensity is diminished, these fears still exist.

As much as I desire to be fully seen, I also fear it. There’s also a huge fear of the level of connection and vulnerability that a match would bring. To be held accountable and unable to hide at such a high level causes some level of fright. So once again I find myself waffling and uncertain. This makes for an inability to bring to me the very things I desire. 

With each weed that I have pulled from my garden, a new weed is uncovered. It is my choice what grows in this garden of mine. Now to figure out how to cross that bridge to get to where I am pulling fewer weeds and instead spending more time nurturing the plants I want to see. That is where I seem to be, once again working to change my focus from what is wrong to what is right.

Namaste

Post-script:  Writing is my release, the healing salve I need to gain perspective and rise up again (and again). After scheduling this post, thus releasing another layer of fears, my mind found the memory of acceptance: 

What will be will be. The Universe conspires to make what needs to happen to happen. Ultimately we’re all connected. 

Related reading “Love Made in Heaven” about twin flames


28 thoughts on “Catch 22: The Desire for & Fear of Connection 

  1. Though you pluck the weeds one at a time to uncover more weeds beneath there will come a time where you will see that it is not the plucking of the weeds that must be done but rather the unfolding of all your petals. Once that has been done the weeds will have no choice but to wither and to return to the soil fertilizing that crimson rose.

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  2. Have you ever read Candide? I remember reading it long ago but one line really stuck with me in the conclusion. He traveled all over the world in search of adventure and riches. He faced much hardship, had amazing adventures, and ended up at home reflecting on his life. Now worldly and experienced, he came to understand that tending to one’s garden is life’s greatest endeavor. This has always stuck with me as analogy for several things…labor, love, life, and spirituality. It is intrinsically rewarding. A lush, well-tended garden chokes out the weeds in time and delivers a surplus of beauty to share with others. I have thought a lot about the bridge from Romantic Love to Consummate Love. I haven’t quite comes to grips with what this bridge means. I am drawing close though to the belief that the bridge is not away from…but into the garden and free of extrinsic influence and motivators. Maybe the garden is unification of our conscious and unconscious levels. It is beautiful because we are complete and unified within ourselves. Sorry this is all so vague but hopefully it makes a little sense. Personally, I think the work you are doing thinking through this is probably the most important work you will ever do…if you truly and successfully tend to your garden. In the end, the existence of this man shouldn’t matter. When you are complete within yourself, his existence won’t matter. Then, when he appears to admire your garden you will see him and he will see you (no mask). You are both complete and neither completes the other…your circles cross and overlap. You won’t seek divine fulfillment from a man (this mortal man will fail in time to sustain divine fire), it already exists within you and you tend to it. He will help but it isn’t his to tend to. You will help tend to his fire but it is his to tend to. This is a virtuous circle. Okay enough 🙂 This is a lot of “data points” for how the final chapter on my blog looks like. Of course, it will be much longer with cross links to posts and probably be a multi-part post with video and 3D art, ha!

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    • Wow! Michael you’ve blown me away, yet again. Not sure why this surprises me 🙂
      Yes, with the more work that I do the more I see and feel my completedness. Yet, I long for someone who speaks my language. WP has given me so many insights into others who do, yet I long for the one who also speaks that secret language without the need for translation. Perhaps I hold too romantic an ideal here. I know there will be bumps, turns and vertical rock faces. This is life. Yet to have someone to be there through those climbs and descents, to bear witness and support one another’s growth is like soul gold. I’ve craved this since the ripe age of 10. Sometimes I feel the great possibilities and other times I fear there is not enough time. I felt the latter when I wrote this post. I’m now back somewhere in balance.
      Ultimately I believe that my greatest potential eludes me until I meet that individual who can push me to my higher levels by holding me accountable where only He can see that I hide…He knows me because He knows Himself. As much as it scares me, I’m still wanting that challenge, support and accountability. ❤️
      Hopefully no typos, gotta go!

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      • So many wonderful thoughts on this comment, pretty Girl👸 This is a wonderful framework for a post. As you know, I struggle with the thought of someone lifting us to higher, transcendent experience and being capable of sustaining that feeling over years…even decades. But, like you, I am working through it and shaping my own beliefs. 💖

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      • The challenge at times when shaping our beliefs is to sit back and ask “is this belief based in fear or lack?”
        There are times when I get on my high horse and tell myself that I don’t need a man. There is some truth there. Yet at some level, I find that when someone else is involved, whether a friend or a romantic partner, that I want to rise to a higher level… accountability seems to hold a great deal of weight… so while I can survive alone, I’d really rather thrive than have the solo throne.

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  3. Tiffany, I have had to read this several times over several hours before something struck me. You seem to say that pulling weeds and nurturing are two separate things. I believe thay can be one and the same( not unless your weeds grow faster then you can pull and I don’t believe they are,) In my walk with Jesus i am in the process of pulling the biggest weed of my life. As I draw closer and closer to Him He will continue to reveal to me thise things in my life that comes between us. I don’t see this process as ever ending. However as I continue to draw closer and closer, continually pulling weeds as they come up, I will spend more of my effort on drawing closer though my Bible reading and prayer. I will be simultaneously weeding and feeding. In time less weeding more feeding but weeding I believe will always be necessary. With each weed you pull you allow yourself to grow into that beautiful, loving, compassionate person you are. So I believe you are nurturing yourself , even though it may not seem like it. What I am doing right now doesn’ t feel nurturing, in fact it hurts like hell, hardest thing I have ever done. Like a junky deliberately cutting himself off from his next fix. But it is necessary to be the man I was always suppose to be, and the man that M needs me to be. My prayers are with you always, you will always be so very special to me, I hope and pray you had a good night and that the light is shininig just a little bit brighter for you! ❤ Barney

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    • To imply that weeding isn’t nurturing was not my intention. Instead, what I meant was that i feel I’m pulling more weeds than focusing on what I want to see. Ninefolddragon had a great reply for this that helped bridge the understanding for me.
      Thank you for sharing your process, Barney! Much love to you on your journey as you work to better your own garden. ❤️

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      • Wow, I see it now. At first blush I wondered if this struggle I am presently in would lead to an opportunity to start blooming, then I realized, No! That has already begun, the blog, the recovery group. Both required courage I did not have before. But your story inspired me to start climbing out of the pit and both you and Rita encouraged me to start the blog. And now after putting myself out there I’m beginning to feel OK being me. Sorry I misunderstood but glad you pointed it out. I hope and pray we both start starving the weeds! 🙏😊

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      • Barney, no need to apologize! Good of you to recognize you are on your path of healing and blooming. Grateful that my story has helped you! ❤️ have a great day! ~T

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      • I see you on that same path as well looking back at your blog. Much more focused on positive changes instead of simply getting through the pain. I am happy for you! Have a good one too! ❤️

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