Perfection’s Anger

“Little girls are sugar, spice and everything nice.”

How destructive this belief becomes to girls and then later to women. I believe it also affects men. This type of thinking is our undoing for it takes away a child’s sense of ability to feel anger. For years I suppressed my anger, as many women do. The only times I would show anger were in passive aggressive ways or when the pressure peaked and I would blow off the steam, then go back to percolating behind the scenes. Never learning that anger is part of the spectrum of human emotion, I suppressed it, pushing it deep into the shadows, hoping it would never return.

In PT school I was telling my therapist about an event and I was cool, indifferent. While I cannot recall the event, I remember her reaction very well. “I would have been very upset about that. That would have made me very angry.” I remained aloof and couldn’t figure out why she would have been angered. Soon, i began to see.

The past few months, I have been allowing another pressure cooker to slowly build its steam. Last night, the pressure within was too much. Instead of studying for my certification test, I spent the evening – even waking slightly during the night – to mentally call up every person in my life for whom I have held – and masked – anger. God and self were included in the call outs.

Yes, there were precipitating events that brought about this hot walk through the hell of anger. The trigger is not important. The anger that I held was where I needed to focus my attention.

Through awareness, allowing and just breathing,  I dropped many hot coals last night. The work here is not done. Yet I have recognized how deeply I was hiding my anger – most harmfully from myself. 

Today I emerged with new eyes (well, still a little swollen from all of the angry crying releases), yet my heart and soul are so much lighter. For many years, I’ve hidden my anger behind the mask of veiled perfection. Last night I took huge steps towards removing both the veil and the mask. 

Being the rainbow means accepting all parts and colors; including the anger. Feeling anger does not mean we strike out nor attack. While i penned a letter to the ex, I burned it. Interestingly, after I finished my “FU” letter, I found myself feeling gratitude and then penned a letter of gratitude. This may seem counterintuitive, yet I was reminded that just as it is the wind that helps the mighty oak to find its strength, I found gratitude in the lessons I had learned. 

Today, I encourage you to look within to see where anger may be hiding. Write, cry, and otherwise be with the pain. Allow the pain to move up to the surface to be seen, this will allow you to be free of it. Feel free to write me and I will request additional healing and prayers: tiffanybeingfree through Gmail dot com.

Hurt people hurt others. It’s time to heal our anger from within so that we can all find our way back to the inner peace that dwells inside. 

Namaste & Metta