As a child, I often walked on eggshells. Never knowing what the mood would be when I arrived home. To help gain a sense of control over my environment, I learned to be quiet, fly below the radar and be as perfect as I could in every single way.
I did my best at a young age to remove as many of my needs from anyone else’s care. I didn’t want to be a burden nor did I want to be responsible for rocking any boats. As such, I walked a razor’s edge. My self-worth was dependent on how others treated and viewed me. My sandcastle was built on constantly shifting sands “by the sea.”
Now, in my middle-age (such a hard pill to swallow…), I’m choosing to allow my armor to rust. When there is a creative project, I give myself permission to make it ugly…and I’m now allowing my kids to join in my mess making.
Letting go of the reins in a new way, I’m allowing myself to live in more freedom today. Now that I’m allowing myself to feel human in a new way, I struggle with the system. Last week I made an oversight at work (related to a vendor, not a patient) and I am having some difficulty because of it. I feel I’ve disappointed my supervisor.
Add to this that I’ve started dating again. It’s hard to date and not make mistakes nor be hurt. It’s much harder for me, however, to feel I’ve disappointed someone else. That was the worst thing my parents could ever say to me, “Tiffany, we are disappointed in you.”
This fear of disappointment is the fuel to the fire of Perfectionism for me. Releasing the need to be perfect, on new levels, allowsme to be more secure in me.