As a child, I often walked on eggshells. Never knowing what the mood would be when I arrived home. To help gain a sense of control over my environment, I learned to be quiet, fly below the radar and be as perfect as I could in every single way.
I did my best at a young age to remove as many of my needs from anyone else’s care. I didn’t want to be a burden nor did I want to be responsible for rocking any boats. As such, I walked a razor’s edge. My self-worth was dependent on how others treated and viewed me. My sandcastle was built on constantly shifting sands “by the sea.”
Now, in my middle-age (such a hard pill to swallow…), I’m choosing to allow my armor to rust. When there is a creative project, I give myself permission to make it ugly…and I’m now allowing my kids to join in my mess making.
Letting go of the reins in a new way, I’m allowing myself to live in more freedom today. Now that I’m allowing myself to feel human in a new way, I struggle with the system. Last week I made an oversight at work (related to a vendor, not a patient) and I am having some difficulty because of it. I feel I’ve disappointed my supervisor.
Add to this that I’ve started dating again. It’s hard to date and not make mistakes nor be hurt. It’s much harder for me, however, to feel I’ve disappointed someone else. That was the worst thing my parents could ever say to me, “Tiffany, we are disappointed in you.”
This fear of disappointment is the fuel to the fire of Perfectionism for me. Releasing the need to be perfect, on new levels, allows me to be more secure in me.
Namaste
I understand this molecularly. You keep freeing that butterfly ❤️️
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Yes, ma’am! Working on it!
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I know you are and I you inspire and remind me the price I paid to get where I am and to never, ever give up ❤️
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So great that we can each help one another in unique ways!
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Indeed
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❤️
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As far back as I can remember from when I was first exposed to The Doors music I have always taken heed to what a lot of what Jim Morrison said in interviews and songs. Sure some of it was drunken ramblings but for some reason it seemed to fit and I was shunned for it by my peers and elders to a point because they said I would self-destruct like Jim did and like you I walked on eggshells yet still tried to be OUT THERE ya know? Became quieter in my late 20’s and sunk in to an ugly depression when I was in my late 30’s and then one day not long ago I woke up and said, “This is NOT my life” and started to make music again and love it and like you, I let my armour rust and I pulled it off and tore it away from myself throwing it to the ground to continue to be ugly and rust away as I walked away form it. Sure it still likes to cling to me a bit and I still fight it but I have been able to do more musically than I have ever done before and don’t care how weird people think about what I do because this IS who I am and this IS what I do! Give a listen when you get a chance and you’ll see what I mean, it’s so outside most people’s comfort zone and sandbox and I love to shake their trees with it because it is so weird! (https://oddsfiche.bandcamp.com) So go out there and crush the eggshells beneath your feet, throw curiosity to the wind and see what IT is and don’t regret it because it’s campy and an old saying but; “There is NO dress rehearsal to life!” “There’s NO rewind button here!” So good on ya and keep it up and drop me a line anytime you wanna talk about it cuz I have been through several living train wrecks and am still here to talk about it without fear! Cheers!
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Thank you so much for sharing! It sounds like you’re making the best of what you went through. I will check out the sounds. Love that it’s called band camp, makes me think of American Pie!
Thank you for the continued encouragement!
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I’m loving live a la rev and now subtle grenade cereal. Sweet liquid to my ears. 😉
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WOW! Thank you!!!!!!! So happy you dig on it! It is a free download btw on my bandcamp page ; ) plus a lot of the other live shows are free too AND come with video clips of which some are funny and quite interesting! Subtle Grenade.. is a show standard, it’s my signature song! Just made my day with that! : ) also check out https://experienceoddsfiche.wordpress.com for more about my life as a musician and things that have helped shape my musical life! https://oddsfiche.bandcamp.com
and feel free to drop me a line through email which you can find on my about pages! : ) HUGE HUGS to you! : ) xoxo
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Absolutely! I love much with liquid sounds. Maybe there’s a term for that… I’ll head over to your personal site. Thank you for sharing! And hugs back!
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It’s like reading about myself. Thank you. It’s hard to change deeply ingrained habits, some things are just personality and temperament. This particular thing is something I struggle a great deal with, daily.
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Yes, i find that the more o understand why, then it’s easier to let go… ❤️ to you!
When I can, I allow myself to make messes. It helps and is fun!
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xo
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Great post! I agree with this! You have to overcome your fears or you will just keep leaving in fear.
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Thank you! Yes, and first we must see that the fear is there beneath the veneer 🙂 that, sometimes, is the greatest challenge.
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