At a young age, I fell in love with the concept of love. I believed that to be in love with a man meant that all of my problems would go away. The knight in shining armor was a frequent fantasy of mine, though, he was rarely wearing armor in my mind. Ironically, it turns out that in reality the men I’ve been romantically involved with have had armor that was hidden, just below the surface. And so did I.
When I decided that I wanted to end my marriage nearly 3 years ago, I believed that I would seamlessly walk out of his arms and into the arms of the “man of my dreams.” It’s great for me that this did NOT happen. For starters, I’d not have created this blog (today is my 2-year anniversary blogging, by the way!). Secondly, I would have just made the same damn mistakes that I made in my marriage; because I still hadn’t learned to love and respect myself. Thirdly, I would never have discovered that the love that I have been seeking all along has always been in my own heart. Finally, I never would have trusted in my own love. I did not believe that my love was enough, so I sought it in others.
I see now where I was running around, panhandling for love, seeking to put a few coins into my mostly empty cup. To seek that love and meeting of needs from someone else has only left me feeling disappointed, resentful, hurt and depleted. It is also crazy-making to seek from others something they can never truly give if they themselves feel broken or inadequate. Broken hearts only create more broken hearts. Hurt people hurt people.
So at 41, I’ve decided that I’m done with having a broken heart. I’ve decided that I’m over sorting through potential dating partners through on-line dating, or searching faces in a crowd for “him.” I’ve decided that I don’t want to waste any more of my life looking for something “out there” that is really within me. Only I can love myself the way that I need to be loved. Only I truly know my own needs enough to meet them fully.
The path to this decision has been tumultuous, unsteady and at times damn right frustrating. Now that I am here, I have a sense of peace and release that I have never experienced before. This decision has freed me to be myself more than ever before. This decision to stop dating, to stop beseeching, to stop putting myself in situations where I put my heart, and sometimes sanity, on the line has lead me to a new discovery; the well of my heart runs more deeply than I ever could have imagined.
While I still believe that there exists a “man of my dreams” and that I will meet him one day, it is imperative that until then, that I fill my own cup. If he is truly the man of my dreams, he is learning to do the same for himself.
Cheers to filling our own cups! Cheers to filling our own hearts with the very things we seek from others: Love and Acceptance. May we each find the peace and love within that we deserve, no longer only seeking it from others.
Namaste
Happy Anniversary! Finding something so personal, and yet elusive is something that I believe happens when we are least expecting it. I’ve never had any luck with dating services, and for that matter, clubs and bars. I’ve met people when I wasn’t looking, and those have been the most rewarding.
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Rob, thank you! I agree. And in the meantime, im focusing on myself and my writing! Great to hear from you and thank you for the great reminders and hope!
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Dating just made me more depressed. I found when I truly loved myself, it made it easier to find the person I love now (though it did take some time)! Good luck with everything 🙂
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Thank you, Rosie! Yes, I agree! It took me a few weeks of hell to conclude that I was on the same path. Have a great day and so glad to hear you’ve found someone! ❤️
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I can’t tell you how much I love this, Tiffany!! Wish there was a big, fat love button!!
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Thank you, Angela! I often wish there were the same button.
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You are welcome!
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❤️
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Congratulations on your two-year anniversary. This piece shows great spiritual wisdom.😘 Application is another journey and you seem well on your way. You may disagree with what I’m about to say but I would like to at least share it. The “man of your dreams” is also inside you and not “out there”. Tend to him as the perfect fantasy through your art and meditation as you would tend to your garden. No man can sustain the divine projection of your soul indefinitely. We can sustain it briefly but it eventually crashes in disillusionment. Look for traces of your inner world in men and savor these traces…rather than the dream personified. One will offer more of these traces than others and he will touch your soul in this way. Happy anniversary to a very beautiful and talented woman🌹
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Michael, yes, I agree the animus projection is unsustainable and I agree that, with the right person, that consummate love can and does exist. I don’t expect a personification of my animus, but the right man will stand out amongst the crowd 🙂
Thank you for the compliments! I’m finally able to receive them 🙂 it’s great to hear from you! I’m sorry I’ve been quiet.
❤️
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Nothing wrong with being quiet and reflective.💖 It’s great to hear from you as well…I really enjoyed this post. Hope you are having a great weekend 😘
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I am really enjoying the spring weather! Hope you’re also enjoying your weekend!
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Im glad you are giving up seeking outsode for love. Self love is what is required of us if we are ever to fully be capable of a true human love…and if its meant for you love willl find you without effort or trying to control outcomes when you are love 💖
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Thank you! Yes, this is how I see and feel it now. I “knew” it before and just wasn’t living it. Thank you!
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Well said
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🙂 thank you!
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Such wise words…. when I came into my 40’s I started to understand that love is me… not someone else. I related to everything you said and I thank you for speaking it so eloquently!
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Thank you! This really means a lot that you can relate. Yes, I believe it is our 40s that we return to our own love. If we choose, that is!
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❤ ❤ Happy Anniversary ❤ ❤
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Thank you!!! ❤️
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Beautifully written and articulated.
~Alex (Down-n-Dirty Blog on Relationships)
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Thank you!
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Yes, a wise realisation to come to at 40- I think I got to 45 or so before I got it : ) And now I’m 50, Life is awesome, because I love Me so much! Keep going, you’re so on the right path, G
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Thank you, again, Gabrielle! I need to update my blog. I’ve been dating a friend and it’s been an amazing month of growth. Keeping my options open and loving myself on deepening levels.
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Loving Yourself always comes first
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So true. Yet so few of us completely do
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Wow, thank you so much for your honesty. I appreciate when women share things like this. I struggle with these things as well and it is encouraging when other women write so freely. There is hope!
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cheers and good luck to what you’re looking for now that you know there is no such thing as a knight in shining armor…..there is no one tailor made for you also
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