Healing The Roots of Despair

In talking with my mother about the culture of the county in which she was raised, which I only visited as a child, I have come to a new understanding of some of my habits. It frightens me to be publicly recognized for my achievements. Actually, that applies to any recognition, even one-on-one.

Compliments are not something that I find easy to receive. My mind focuses on where things “could have been better.” While this mindset pushes me to do better, it also thwarts my ability to feel at ease or at peace with … just about everything in my life.

Where my mom grew up, those who “had more” or who “looked pretty” were targeted by others … there was a culture of rape and a fair amount of lawlessness. So anyone who “had,” could be expected to have something taken.

The effects of this culture meant people were, out of fear, generous in giving to others and also in putting down their own achievements. It was better to be pitied (at least people would “bless your heart”) than to be seen as having something that someone else wanted.

So here I sit with this awareness. Seeing how complicated it can be to feel comfortable with being at peace or even happy. Softening into the fear, shining the light of my awareness on why happiness has scared me, aside from brief glimpses. Slowly, the fear begins to melt.

Within a metta meditation, I send love back up the ancestral lines, and the community that brought this fear into being. May all beings be at peace.


14 thoughts on “Healing The Roots of Despair

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  1. Although it’s easier said than done, it’s time to leave the past in the past Tiffany. You’re good enough and you deserve to have whatever you want now. Time to move forward and heal. Sending you love and peace my friend. xx 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Miriam, guess I’m confused by your response. This was a helpful awareness for me to understand why I fear being happy and celebrating or acknowledging accomplishments. This post is about bringing the darkness to the light so that I can understand it versus keeping it buried in my subconscious where it leads me into fear and survival mode to protect myself
      Thank you for the love and peace! Always appreciated! May you also be graced with love and peace 🙏❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad it was a helpful awareness for you Tiffany and I’m sorry if my response confused you. I’ll blame it on my head cold!Big hugs from afar xx💕

        Liked by 1 person

      2. There is truth in your words for me. In meditation just now, I saw where I was holding onto the past and holding myself back….and I’m worth more than that. So…on some level you knew I needed to hear it. I’m now seeing clearly where once there was much confusion. ❤️ thank you! Amazing. 🙏

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Love and light to you also dear lady. Our hearts are a sponge to this life, sometimes dry and lonely, other times full with the lusts of life. But in the middle is a balance, one that we find by being the other two. You are creating that beautifully by the love you find within as you let each one go ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mark, Love and light to you, as well! Thank you for your words of summary and support. It means a lot coming from someone who has made it to the other side of these limiting beliefs. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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