The Fear of Being Loved

For as long as I can remember, I have sought for love. Perhaps it is the hopeful and “hopeless romantic” within (see Enneagram 4). There has always been this underlying feeling of being incomplete; an irredeemable deficiency as described by Ian Morgan Cron, a fellow “4”.

In diving into this incessant need to be loved and even validated through relationship, I found that underneath the push, that I have deeply fear being loved. Initially, this was quite a shock for me to see. Yet, in looking back, I see this has been clearly reflected to me, repeatedly ad nauseam, in the men I have been in relationships with. Heck, I can even see it play out in my friendships.

Every man I’ve dated and many of my friends have been in some way unavailable, most in multiple ways: emotionally unavailable, lacking time, have lived far away, had too many other commitments, or were still stuck on their exes (the latter is in regards to dating, obv). These are not pock shots at anyone, I share this as it is a direct reflection of where I was unavailable; even if my being unavailable showed up differently….

I seem to be like a moth with the flame. While I want to be in close friendships and even in a lovingly relationship, I am now acutely aware of where I have not wanted to get too close. I push forward, then I pull away. This is indicative of having a fearful attachment; where I both seek love and yet when I find it that very love is also scary AF.

Taking things a step further, I see where it also plays out with my children. While I have improved some, there are times when I feel there is something “I must do right now” on my phone or a chore in the home, when in reality, the majority of the time it really could wait until later; meanwhile my kids wait for me to finish my task. I put them/love on hold instead of putting the task on hold…

This had been unintentional/unconscious on my part. Now, I see where the push and pull has negatively affected me and my ability to relate with others. With this new awareness in mind, I have been doing body scans, observing the places where I feel contracted. It seems to be helping, because I’m noticing I’ve becoming less afraid to live unfiltered; more authentically.

May we each see and acknowledge our fears, to release ourselves from their grip. May we each recognize and accept the places in our lives where we have blocked out love; allowing us to love more freely. 

Namaste

A very helpful meditation to help with sitting with anger

 

12 thoughts on “The Fear of Being Loved

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  1. Oh wow, this is so honestly written. How many of us can relate to what you just wrote? I know I can. You’ve given me a great deal to think about today. I thank you for this post. And I wish you all the very best at finding the Love you most certainly deserve as you process this Journey you have embarked upon. Namaste. 💜💜💜

    Liked by 2 people

      1. This is perfect! I’m bookmarking to view when I have a quiet moment or two. Oh yes, in order to deal with anger, we have to face it so that it will dissipate. (((HUGS)))!!! XOXO

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh yes, I can understand too, that need to be loved and validated. I don’t think you’re alone there Tiffany. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. Here’s to finding love ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Miriam, for sharing! It really does feel like a lonely place at first. It’s my sense everyone experiences this, though may express it vastly differently… here’s to uncovering the blockages to love

      Liked by 1 person

  3. That is indeed an insightful and honest reflection so many of us can relate to. Thank you for your courage in sharing. At 53, I’m only just really feeling ready to truly love and be loved; keep up the necessary work! 🙏🏼❤️ G

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, G, for relating and sharing, too! I’m hoping to sort out some method for uncovering those kernels of untruth. It really has less to a greater understanding of others, too. 🤯🙏💜

      Liked by 1 person

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