Degrees of Freedom

Freedom from emotions that threaten to crush us occurs in degrees. When we allow our feelings their due course, they move through and out of us. The challenge is that in the fear of feeling we often block the process, which keeps these emotions locked in our bodies and in our subconscious. These blocked emotions then secretly direct and control our actions – because we then move about our lives in fear of feeling them. Sometimes we also find ourselves blaming others. Good ol’ projection keeps us from taking steps to fix the underlying issue that’s within us.

To sit and allow these emotions their “time in court” permits us to gain increasingly greater degrees of freedom. By unpacking these emotions, like unpacking a suitcase that we’ve been carrying around over the course of our lifetimes, lifts that weight from us and we are able to begin moving about with a greater lightness to our steps as those unpacked emotions no longer weigh on us nor control us.

By sitting through each emotion and giving it time to speak uninhibited, the emotions can move through quickly, though at times intensely.

As a passionate woman, I feel things very deeply, throughout my entire body at times. Sometimes I experience physical pain as the emotions move through. Regardless of how strong the emotion is, I do my best to give it my fullest attention until its time is done and like a cloud whose time is done, it simply disintegrates.

I know there will be more clouds, more storms and more emotions to weather. I also know that there is more freedom to be gained in allowing them all to pass through. Fighting the hurricane requires too much effort to maintain. In the end, we are only fighting ourselves.

In going through this process, I often reach out for assistance from a Higher Power. Today was no exception. For instance, I asked to be held when I felt alone. When I feared the emotions would break me, I asked for support and imagined my backbone becoming stronger and more resilient. I became my own pillar through the grace of my Higher Power.

Here are some of the emotions, somewhat in order, as I experienced them today in working through a very powerful emotional storm. We’re talking gale-force winds, horizontal rains, hail, thunder and maybe even some fire and brimstone. Pervasive emotions are denoted by an asterisk.

*Grief, sadness
Anger
Betrayal
*Unrequited desire for love
*Rejection
Emptiness
Shame
*inadequacy
*unworthiness
Being used or harvested
A desire to leave, escape, run away (GTFO)
*Longing for death
Seeing visions and feeling transported back to “the house” a place of many dark memories where abuse occurred regularly.

Once I reach the “death” stage, I know I am almost done. I see this as the peeling back of the final layer of my old self. This is a form of submission, as well. Giving into the feeling allows me to be free of it, even the desire for death.

Following this process, I often feel a sense of relief. Sometimes I can feel a lingering sense of mourning, as in a way, part of me has died. At this stage, I set about asking my Higher Power to fill me with Love, support, acceptance and anything else that I feel I need in that moment. It is then that I am often overcome with a great sense of peace. Sometimes I feel somewhat tired, other times I feel energized. Regardless, I always feel more free.

Here are some of my observations over the four plus years I’ve practiced emotional alchemy:

  • The more we can weather, the more perfect the storm becomes.
  • The higher we fly spiritually, the deeper we must dig emotionally.
  • The desire to leave often precedes the desire for death.
  • The stronger the emotion, the more it needs to be heard, the more freedom regained.
  • The more I dread and avoid the process, the greater the rewards when I allow it to occur.

Please join me in gaining more degrees of freedom!

Image: google

 

Breathing Life

~Breathing in is called inspiration. It allows us to give birth to new ideas and emotions.
~Breathing out is called expiration. It allows us to release old ideas and emotions.

Like the tides, it is best when breathing is more or less balanced.

Sharp out breaths through sighs are an attempt to avoid feeling. It is an attempt to push something away that we do not want to either let go of or we do not want to experience feeling. It also prevents full inspiration.

The exhale needs to be soft and gentle like a whisper. Soft enough to avoid disturbing the scales on butterfly wings. Soft enough to release without forcing.

So now I work to slow down my out breath, feeling and allowing the old emotions and ideas to die, while recognizing them as best as I can. This allows a deeper in breath, as well.

Balancing the breath through having an equal time and velocity to the in and out breaths (inspiration ~ expiration) allows for a greater presence in the moment. This also builds less friction, creating fewer charges. There is less resistance to receiving new ideas through inspiration and it allows us to let go of the things which no longer serve us, through expiration.

It is hard to breathe in if we have not fully exhaled.

Namaste.

Watching him dying (graphic)

This happened nearly a dozen years ago,
yet still feels like just yesterday.

Standing at the foot of his bed,
i watched helplessly as he took some of his final breaths.

he was surrounded by the code team,
some peoples’ jobs merely the space they were holding.

a 1st year student, i stood there in my pressed and clean labcoat.
my nursing shoes; unsure what to do.

frozen in my tracks, my voice cracked
when telling the lead physician of his sudden collapse.

the pain in his calves he complained of just moments before
we exited the hospital’s front door.

the CI and I had dismissed the pain as leg cramps
from the progress in his walking distance.

so soon after having been bedridden following his craniotomy,
and partial lobotomy, we didn’t realize the risks and his fate.

the hiss of the oxygen, turned to its highest,
one of the few sounds in the room otherwise quiet.

~~~

less than five minutes before,
he, my CI and i had been walking outdoors.

my job for most of the walk had been to guard him,
to keep him steady, to keep him from falling.

i supported him, one hand on his belt,
the other holding his right hand in mine; a steady incline.

within steps of the change in guard,
he experienced a sudden decline.

my CI lowered him to the ground,
if it had been me at guard, both of us fallen, piling.

quickly, i pulled out my ammonia salts,
a sign of my green horns; an intern.

after breaking the tab and insuring his stability,
i ran inside, to procure a set of wheels.

on the way back to his room, his breathing
heavily labored. his skin grey turning.

it almost seemed as if he had had a severe
asthma attack, turning grey from the lack of perfusion.

we rushed him back to his room,
his wife at his side as others activated the code blue.

i watched what was to be their last goodbye,
in my freshly polished shoes and pressed lab coat,

i wanted to cry. false tears were running
down my face, still dry.

oh the things i learned that fateful day,
never ignore the signs of a DVT!

later i learned his astrocytomas & glioblastoma multiform
put him at risk for the emboli that traveled to his airways.
~~~

later the lead code physician ordered any non-essential personnel to leave,
head hanging low, i was the only one to go.

others stood there just holding the space,
unsure of their role, yet i couldn’t look anyone in the face.

in shock i sat quietly, then lead back to the clinic office
by someone who had noticed my shift in countenance.

as i passed by the room, where his wife has been shuttled,
my shoulders dropped lower as if in a singular huddle.
~~~

checking his chart, following up the the nurses,
we learned that day of his fate: death by asphyxiation

i drove that night, by the river of James,
not caring about the traffic, the slick roads, the rain.

my heart was filled with grief: the father, husband now lost,
my being stuck in traffic, repeatedly, seemed a simple cost.

i cried that night for his death,
it seems I had almost felt the presence of Archangel Azrael.

~~~
the next day I was almost relieved to hear,
his wife left grieving was also somewhat relieved.

three young children to care for at home, she didn’t want
them to remember his unsupported death within their abode.

for his affliction & neurosurgery had left him somewhat a child,
within the body of a man, safety awareness withheld.

in his death he had gifted to her the relief her burden of him,
freeing her to focus on the care of their young children.
~~

I believe because of this experience, I was able to help to more quickly identify the signs of DVT in at least 5 others. While others were false alarms, I do not fuck around with the signs: better safe than sorry.

Here are some of the risk factors for DVT (each on its own can cause a blood clot to form):

  • Recent surgery (if if NOT bedridden)
  • Active cancer
  • Dehydration
  • Recent injury (especially fractures)
  • Family History
  • Use of hormones: Birth control, Hormone Replacement Therapy
  • Obesity/Overweight
  • Decreased activity: traveling
  • Pregnancy
  • Heart conditions: Failure, Murmurs

Namaste
__/|\__ Metta
2016.02.15

Turbulence

The weather today is a reflection of how I feel.

Yesterday we awoke to a blanket of powdery snow with 32 deg temps.

Today, it is raining in sheets while a balmy 63 degrees; . 

The wind are highly variable with gusts up to 22 miles per hour. 

~~

The low ceiling is a patchwork quilt of grey, white and black.

My mood, usually sunny, cannot pierce it.

The buzzards, lovely creatures of purification, 

twirl, soaring in groups on the updrafts.

~~

I imagine myself flying with them,

so I can see from their view again.

However I feel like I’m falling for 

with each foot of altitude gained, 3 back down I fall.

~~

Feeling small and weak, 

the rushes of air go through me.

I bid the wind take my burdens,

I bid them all adieu on the updrafts.

~~

Perhaps I need to adjust my attitude,

having been berating myself,

so I am only destined for the fall.

Time to adjust the pedals, to straighten out.

~~

of course, I’m wearing black & white today!

my lunch break to be spent in a meeting,

with a VP. Something I found out about this morning.

Yep, gotta move those pedals, alter my throttle.

~~

2016.02.16

Namaste

__/|\__ Metta

The caterpillar comes undone

 completely disintegrates and 

turns into an amorphous goo

within the safety of the Chrysallis.
she completely rebuilds, reforms 

and is born again

as the 

beautiful,

fragile,

yet strong

butterfly.

~~

she spreads her 

wings

and

flies.

Namaste

__/|\__ Metta

2016.02.12

Sailing into The Mystic

At first to much deliberation,

I abhorred this designation.

A lonely resignation,

The Mystic.

~~

The soft spoken woman, 

having explained to me

my warrioress, 

(such prowess 

she can possess)

now softened her tone, 

speaking even more gently, 

so as to be sure I could hear her,

and most importantly feel her;

her words, 

which felt like melancholy

to me.

~~

She explained in the halls of Edgar Cayce, 

“mystics

dive down, below the foundation

to uproot, to breakdown the entire

building, not willing to stop at 

just one level in the face of dysfunction.

Mystics go for complete destruction

of the source that ails.”

~

Mystical strength is gained

through unraveling pain.

~

I have read the value Mystics gain from their own travails; 

their own Ascension from their own personal hell,

Their service the way to repay for their ails.

~~

Now I see how this is what is

meant to be.

My love and adoration

for Lord Shiva…

now so apparently

shows me that it is futile 

to continue fighting the me,

that is We.

Mystically.

~~

“For a seed to achieve its

greatest expression, it must

come completely undone. The

shell cracks, its insides

come out and everything

changes. To someone who

doesn’t understand growth,

it would look like complete

destruction.” – Unknown

I am that I am.

(why do I want to call you Sam?)

~~

It’s time to stop fighting,

stop resisting.

It’s time to embrace,

with as much grace

as I can muster.

The am that I am.

The We that is We.

Me, mystically.

“I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.  – Pablo Neruda

1.29.2016 & 2.26.2016