Harnessing Our Anger

Anger is an emotion. Emotions are energy designed to move us, to help us to move forward or to teach us something.

Many of us were taught or learned that anger is dangerous, scary and should be avoided at all costs. Anger is like fire… and yes, we do want to avoid being burned, yet think about what would happen if all fire ceased to exist: how would we warm our homes, cook our food or drive our cars? My point here is that not all fire is bad and the same goes for anger.

Anger feels like fire, and it is part of the matrix of passion. Just as fire burns and transforms fuel into movement, we can use our anger as an internal fire to propel us forward; to change.

When we suppress our anger, our internal fire, we suppress our passion. We prevent ourselves from changing, and we stagnate or stay stuck.

Tapping Out on Emotional Overload offers a helpful strategy to help manage anger, or other emotions, that feel excessive or unhelpful.

Again, not all anger is bad. It is our judgment about the feeling and suppressing it or not channeling it into something creative that can be the danger. What we do with our passion, with our anger, and this with our energy is up to us. We can use it, just like fire, to cook food or to burn things down.

For reflection:

  • What are you using your passion for today? Or are you keeping it locked up?!
  • Or just allowing it to unleash without any creative direction?
  • How can you see your emotions differently, allowing them to lead you to your greatness?

Namaste

Dream Analysis Part I: Making Associations & Intro to Kali

This is Part I of a 4 part series on Dream Analysis based on  Inner Work: Using Dreams & Active Imagination for Personal Growth by Jungian analyst Robert A. Johnson.
The purpose of a dream is to “wake us up to something” according to Johnson. 
The focus of this series is to share his method of dream interpretation that leads us to a greater understanding of ourselves; our own awakening.  Here, I will do my best to “boil down” his method without shaving the process too thin. There are four basic steps to dream interpretation they are: Making associations, Connecting dreams to inner dynamics, Interpreting & Making the Dream Concrete. This post will focus on the process of making associations.
To illustrate Johnson’t process, I will use a dream I had the night I wrote “From Judgment to Compassion,” that lead to writing “Kali Under Fire.”
I was outside of my maternal grandmother’s (Grandma B) home and the woods behind her home were being engulfed by a wildfire. There were concerns about evacuating, but my grandmother wanted to stay (confusion, indecision). Her face, set in determination, was seen in the flames that licked the sky. Smoke banks were surrounding the home, making visibility difficult. Yet the air around me was clear for at least 20 feet in all directions as if I were in a bubble. While there was a sense of urgency to the dream, there was also a calmness like “this is how it is to be.” My grandmother was a reflection of this as she was usually an anxious & “hyper” woman in real life, she seemed relatively calm and ready for whatever was to come within the dream. In a way all elements of the dream were exaggerated or “larger than life” and hyper-reality. 
Making Associations:
After writing down the dream itself, the next step is to list out the different elements of the dream (maternal grandmother, her home, wildfire, smoke, bubble, etc). Next you take each element separately and write out what you personally associate to that one element, individually. Johnson warns to be sure to stay with the original element and avoid stream of consciousness where one association leads to further associations. To avoid stream of consciousness, go back to the original element after each association. For example, after writing down the association “scapegoat” (see below) for my grandmother, if I had then written “patsy,” I would have then thought of Lee Harvey Oswald because of the many times he’s referred to as a patsy in one of the movies about JFK’s assassination. That could have then lead me to think of sniper and before I know it my Grandma’s being a scapegoat leads me to Chris Kyle in American Sniper. So be sure each association relates back to the original element. 
Johnson discourages the use of Dream symbol searches as the purpose of this process is to unlock our own meaning and association with each element within a dream. Yet, at the same time, cultural references such as colloquialisms and Archetypes can be helpful resources to use.
Colloquialisms can also help to unlock the meaning of an element. For example, “courage under fire” may rise to the surface. Colloquialisms can offer a deeper meaning to the dream analysis as they are common threads of awareness, similar to archetypes. Speaking of archetypes, you know that your dream involves the presence of an archetype when there are exaggerated or “Epic” elements within in the dream. After seeing some of the associations of my dream I did a search for “creative and destructive” Goddess, which is when Kali rose to the forefront of my awareness.
Making associations to the dream’s elements can be both fun and frustrating. Sometimes we need to step back from the dream itself to be able to understand the association to the element. The deeper that we can travel within to understand what an element is showing us, the greater our potential gain in personal growth. Remember, the dream’s purpose is to “wake us up to something.” Is it not ironic that we dream to be woken up?
In the list of associations below, you will see that I’ve italicized associations that were repeated while I bolded others as they “clicked.” Basically, if the association “clicks” there is a deeper emotional response and you have found the association that is most meaningful to you for that particular element. The stronger the emotional response to the association, the more likely it is that you are on the right track.
  • Grandma B: maternal grandmother; crazy: bipolar; unpredictable, scapegoat; town’s shadow; grudges; judgment; shame; guilt, suicide; death; cover up; vulnerable; destructive; Goddess Kali; Family; Roots; Connections; stubborn; tenacious; Proud; Independent; Wise; Faith; Grace; protective; maternal; nurturing; contradictory edges
  • Grandmother’s home: Farm (fertility), Poor, Simple, Loving, Mixed emotions; Confusion; Betrayal; Loyalty; Humble; Cold; Hot; Red Clay; Grapes on the vine; Garden; Free Roaming Chickens; Outhouse; Hoarding; Gossip; Home of the Divine Mother*
  • Woods – Fuel; Trees; Oxygen; Wildlife; Darkness; Hidden; protective/safety; Secrets “What happens in the woods stays in the woods.”  Cycles
  • Wildfires – A force of Mother Nature; beautiful destruction; cycle; a force to be reckoned with; burning down of the old, get rid of obstructions, clearing, setting up for something new (rebirth), passion, heat, change, uncontrolled, part of natural process, old guard (trees) dying, fuel to fire, unpredictable, Fire of transformation, Playing with Fire, Courage under Fire; Judgment; Separation; Fire & brimstone, Discernment, Urgency “The Time is Now,” attention-getter, Burning Desires; Passion – out of control; Kali
  • Smoke like fog all around – unclear; confusion; suffocating; stifling; blind/ignorant: decreased visibility; blockage; Ego; Smoke & Mirrors: Illusion; when there’s smoke there’s fire
  • Bubble – safety, clarity; protection; discernment; separation; invisible yet present protection; womb; clearly defined boundaries; not living in reality; living in my own reality

*According to Johnson, a dream involving your maternal grandmother’s home (mother’s mother) is a sign that you are in the “house of the Mother;” an archetypal mother. Additional clues that this dream involved an Archetype are the exaggerated or “Epic” proportions within the dream.

In the next part I will discuss how to connect the bolded and repeated associations to inner dynamics. I will continue to use this wildfire dream as an example. In the meantime, I hope that you find a dream that you can begin to go through this process with. If you can, I highly encourage you to read Johnson’s book and particularly the chapters on dream interpretation, as he gives many examples and clues that I found helpful. After all, what have you to lose when you have a better understanding of yourself to gain?!

Namaste & Happy Dreaming!

image: latimes
img_2699

He loves her

His smile warms her face,

She blushes in return,

Basking in the light of His glow.

~~

He brushes away the wispy hairs

From her face, tucks them behind her ears.

He strokes her smooth skin,

Blowing His heat onto her neck.

To all her hurt parts, 

He brings attention.

~~

She loves being loved by Him.

Learning to love the skin she is in.

Learning to be free from within.

Oh, look, another Great Blue Heron?!

~~
An ode to the sun and the wind, who both graced me with their presence this week as I took a topless Jeep road trip across state lines.

Most of the trip was breathtaking and a much needed reprieve from …most everything. 

Realizing during this trip how much I still worry about my persona and being accepted by others. And an unexpected Great Blue Heron sighting 20 miles from Raleigh…seems to be my “squirrel!” in this poem.

Much love to you on your journey! 

2016.04.19

Photo © Onion | Dreamstime.com


Sorrow Management: Damage Incorporated

Hello, Anger
Hello, Anger. My, where have you been hiding?
Under rocks that were my broken apart heart?
There you found solace from the evil biding,
The seething heat of being thrice torn apart.
Two children fighting, both screaming and needing
more than a mother making a fresh, new start.
hard to be both parents at once, what to do?
anger, needing a way to bid you adieu.

easier to keep busy reading, writing,
than to feel your searing sadness grip my heart.
now i find myself needing of conceding
spending too much time from the others apart.
wanting, needing, feeling the heat releasing.
begging, pleading, please not another false start.
reading, writing, there were worse things i could do.
still it’s time, Goodbye, Anger, I release you

double octava rima format

Damage Inc is the song by Metalicca that popped into my mind as I typed the words “Sorrow Management.” The song is about seeking and destroying without submitting, seeing surrendering as weak. I feel that this song exemplifies the path of personal self-destruction we take when we fight our feelings instead of surrendering into them; even when we trick ourselves and do “positive” things.

Sorrow Management is what some in the spiritual community call the string of activities we do to avoid being and feeling. This could be things that we do in excess or compulsively such as: eating, cleaning, having sex, helping others (and letting ourselves fall to the wayside), fantasizing about sex, watching TV, dating sites, gaming, facebooking, drinking, writing, watching pornography, running, and working out. The activities do not necessarily need to be deemed negative for them to have a negative impact on our self-development when we use the activities to avoid feeling.

Sia from “Breathe Me”

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

So all of my writing erotica, about the body and muscles, plus my WP reading time lately has been me avoiding my seething, gnawing, searing, i want to fuck-shit-up anger with a side of bitterness.

Realizing how much time I was spending on WP, I turned off the notifications, and started storing my phone somewhere away from my body. Over the weekend, I cut my WP time in half (this includes writing). And yes, there are so many worse things that I could have done to “hurt myself again today” to avoid feeling my feelings. Still, I was blocking myself from myself, wrecking myself.

In decreasing one avoidant behavior, another tried to take over. Cravings for chewy foods like licorice and pizza were rampant. Something was gnawing at me. My heart was pounding and I wanted to yell, pound my fists into walls and rip my hair out. The Hello, Anger poem above was my attempt to understand this, as was the bitter heart poem.

Also interesting to note is that this last week my libido went missing. Much like watching the water recede quickly just before a tsunami hits, I knew it was time to run for the motherfucking hills. This weekend, it all came to a head  (and no, not in a good, i just got laid way). So even by doing positive things to keep myself distracted from my own pain, there’s no escaping the cycle of destruction that precedes construction, gratitude to Lord Shiva. Once again, I am humbled.

Namaste
__/|\__ Metta
2016.02.21

The effects of the Stars

Over the past few years, I have found that the stars & planets do predict, to some degree, different patterns in life. Often, the energy precedes the predictions for me, in that I’ll move through things a few days before the energy is said to peak.

 

Well, this past week has been an emotionally turbulent one for me with many swings in between. Now I see that the full moon Monday is in Virgo, my sun sign. While the sun is in Pisces, my moon sign. A complete reversal, explaining the topsy turvy…

Moon Energies
Full moons are a time of reflection; shining light on the shadows and things that need clearing; weeding.
New moons are time for planting and manifesting.

So now it all comes together more clearly, Pisces the watery emotional sign of the fish explains my emotional sensitivity and heavy clearing. Meanwhile the moon in Virgo is one of rationality, organizing and reflecting. No wonder I keep writing (not always posting) about death…I’m lovingly being forced to look at all of my shit.

Please see this blog for more information and helpful activities for balancing these opposing energies:
Full Moon in Virgo 22nd February – Michelle McClunan

I’ll humbly accept any prayers, love and positive energy in any form during this time of transition. And I’ll happily return the favor anytime you ask of it!

Namaste

__/|\__ Metta

2016.02.20

Image: Hubble EAS

 

The Dancer

This is a song I plan to feature in an upcoming post. It may say more than even my work…though I don’t believe I need love to save me as Harvey seems to indicate here, the majority of her lyrical poetry is still fitting. (I am becoming more and more of my own superhero, after all.)

So from one poet to another, the beauty of PJ Harvey. Too bad her climax isn’t real…

http://youtu.be/Mheqf_pVrYo

The Dancer by PJ Harvey

He came riding fast like a phoenix out of fire flames

He came dressed in black with a cross bearing my name

He came bathed in light and the splendor and glory

I can’t believe what the lord has finally sent me
He said dance for me, fanciulla gentile

He said laugh awhile, I can make your heart feel

He said fly with me, touch the face of the true God

And then cry with joy at the depth of my love
‘Cause I’ve prayed days, I’ve prayed nights

For the lord just to send me home some sign

I’ve looked long, I’ve looked far

To bring peace to my black and empty heart
Ah, ah, ah

Ah, ah, ah, aaaaaah !
My love will stay ’till the river bed run dry

And my love lasts long as the sunshine blue sky

I love him longer as each damn day goes

The man is gone and heaven only knows


‘Cause I’ve cried days, I’ve cried nights

For the lord just to send me home some sign

Is he near ? is he far ?

Bring peace to my black and empty heart

So long day, so long night

Oh Lord, be near me tonight

Is he near ? is he far ?

Bring peace to my black and empty heart.

~~

Namaste

__/|\__ Metta

2016.02.20

Woman iii/v by Ax: The Melding

Woman iii/v
By Ax

Heat would rise blistering,
as it chars the grain that travels,
from ground to heights,
that meet your eyes.

Arching back as your curves dance,
leaving trails to hike up between your thighs,
tight to my sight that pulls,
me into your heaving breasts.

The length of your neck exposed,
eye teeth grow from my mouth,
wanting to bite, nay, compelled,
to sink into your flesh with a vampires hunger.

The taste of blood trickles down my chin,
mingling with my saliva dripping on your skin,
fluids from inside pour hot with desire,
burning, burning, burning in your fire.

Ax

Here the strong stanza structure of i & ii gets lost as the poet gets lost in his lover’s curves; lost energetically in her amorphous matrix. Loss of self is part of the dance of sexual union between partners. Here the tempo shifts to a more erotic and heat-filled sequence; less of him claiming & conquering (ii) while here we also see a melding of heat and bodily fluids.

One of the main reasons the poet is seeking his lover, his anima, is for healing himself. Healing is a process of transformation. Great energy is required to transform, much like the process of smelting metal to create a sword. In ii we see heat as a common theme throughout the poem. The lovers meld together producing heat for their transformation.

The poet bonds further with his lover when he falls into her breasts, her heart and takes of her life force. In taking of her blood, he tastes her; a completion of the five senses begun in ii. This is also an energy exchange from his blood loss in i. In sucking her blood he tastes her, unites with her, consumes her and further claims her.

Additionally notable is that the energy of emotions is water with both saliva and blood being predominately water. So here we also see the emotional connection developing between the two lovers. Perhaps this is also why the tone and structure are softened here: the two are uniting, melding into one another and connecting emotionally.

In iii the Divine Union between lovers intensifies as they begin to become one, while also connecting on an emotional level, thus deepening their connection.

Woman v Series by A with commentary


Related Essays and Poems:

The Fountain

Vampire Skin (antithesis: fear of love)

The Spiritual Foundry

 Namaste.
__/|\__ Metta

2016.02.13

a change in writing: Ode to the Fire Monkey

back in the autumn, my shifting was too out of focus.
i asked for an answer to change out of the chaos
of what felt like a SNAFU mess.
soon, my mornings started earlier.
a fire in my belly grew, releasing my need for so much sleep;
must be the fire monkey helped me take this leap.
sometimes i wonder, how long can this keep?

now my day start about 0400. what a change from just this fall.
it seems the clean, crispness of the day beckons me out of sleep
my mission: writing, scribing, bleeding words from my heart’s keep.
my Muse, loving yet demanding, fills my mind with His words to
pull me out of my sweet slumber; such is His seduction.
if i try to fall back into my dreams,
His words resound like thunder.
why do i even try? i then wonder.

no longer resisting (too much):
start the water for the coffee,
then light for Buddha
incense and candles,
preparing for the pre-writing meditation,
my salve, my potion, my kind of medication.
it prevents excessive motion of my mind to clear
the path so that i can easily write from my heart spaces.

today, there is a sharp pain in my left shoulder blade’s inside border.
a block in my heart energy, attention is in order.
water steaming, boiling, pour it in the press over the coffee grounds,
my mouth salivating, awaiting for the bliss.
while i check for any new notifications and messages.

push the plunger, pour the steamy, freshly pressed coffee
into my double-walled tall black coffee mug, it so reminds me of darth vader.
unsweetened vanilla almond milk is such a compliment, taking away a tad of the bitterness, but still best not to drink to the bottom;
or silty grounds i will find moving around
in my mouth, the opposite of sweet bliss.
now to close the lid and place it to the side.
it’s time for an etheric ride.

with seven rocks in my left hand,
listening to the beautiful music of the moola mantra*,
enchanted,
i begin the clearing of my chakras,
hearing the words of my Muse,
doing my best to not confuse
my need for meditation and
my need for remediation
in writing.

following my travels from earth, to water, to fire, to air, into the ethers x3,
i bring myself back to the balanced space of my heart.
now it’s time to sit down at the laptop and do my part.
where to begin? who is the writer tickledfancee or tiffanybeingfree?
which one most calls to me, beckoning me for my sweet attention.
sometimes there can be some apprehension.

my old alarm to let me know when to wake up, is now my
15-minute warning to wrap it the fuck up.

and oh, dear, it’s all very different when the children are here!
no sexshadows to play in today!

for this new way, this new way of being,
i give much gratitude to the fire monkey
His energy i must be breathing!

2016.02.08

Namaste.

__/|\__ Metta

*Moola Mantra is a Love Song to the Divine Force; paying homage to both the Divinie Feminine and Masculine it is a powerful way to induce the creative force.

Om
Sat Chit Ananda Parabrahma
Purushothama Paramatma
Sri Bhagavathi Sametha
Sri Bhagavathe Namaha

 

 

image: google

 

 

 

Riding the Waves Again: Re-Configuration

This is a follow up to the post it comes and goes in waves: the dis-integration

It feels like death, lying down energetically and physically when going through the pain that is dying while living. It is disintegration; breaking down to the smallest pieces, sometimes being cut by the shards of glass in falling down. The fire of the foundry melts us back into a liquid, the amorphous void. It is here that we get to choose our new configuration. Blowing through the glass blower’s tube, we breathe new life into ourselves. We fill the air with those things which we want to carry forward. This is the beauty of the destruction: the ultimate recreation. In His love for us, Lord Shiva destroys us so that we can recreate ourselves again, again and again. The true death is stagnation.

The more fully that we allow the disintegration, the more energy we receive to rebuild again. It is a death and it does feel that way: it is the death of what is no longer serving us. There is a grieving. When we block this process, we get stuck in suffering.

Once out of the void, we can begin to see more clearly.

Anatomy of my Fall

He and I have a connection. He can feel my energy, even across the water. That is a huge turn on for me, having dated so many men who were so … unaware. One day he suddenly popped into my mind, I saw him standing on deck sending me a message. When I later looked, he had indeed written.

He could sense my boundaries without me needing to say a word. “Your body likes to be touched.” Like is an understatement, but the sentiment was there. “I can hear what your body wants.” Few men that I’ve been with could, or if they could, just didn’t listen.

Passion, Connection, Intimacy: Check! No commitment: Fuck!

For me, the reality of my weekend lover is that as much passion, connection and intimacy that we share, there is no commitment. When he was open to commitment in August, I was not. At the time I did not feel he could “see” me, in reality, I could not see myself. I did not feel that he was concerned about my sexual needs, but I was blocked to my own desires and felt much shame regarding my body. Additionally, I mistook his domination for aggression. It scared me, having only been comfortable when I was in complete control at that point in my life.

Now that I’m open to commitment, he simply cannot. With the threat of being laid off, as well as the extra hours he works to keep his job and make up for the loss of warm bodies, he is working an ungodly amount. His time and energy are being consumed: working 7 days/week, 12 hour days, he has a son, is taking college classes oh and he is a marathon runner. So I believe him when he is tired and I can read between the lines, he literally does not have time for me. This is not the kick in the crotch that it sounds it could be. 

Submission: Surprise Attack

There was also a lot of spontaneity in our meeting, in that I did not know I was going to see him until an hour before I crossed his threshold. As such, my defenses were down; the element of surprise. Even being almost professional in past sexual FWB type relationships, I unknowingly set myself up for the fall.

In being able to understand submission, I failed to see and to understand the level of intimacy manifested in submitting to a lover. Allowing him to dominate me, exposing my vulnerability and heightening the intimacy was an instant recipe for a deeper connection with him; I didn’t expect it. Now I see and so apparently.

String of Unavailable Men

He lives 33 miles away and that is a barrier where I live because he is on a “different island” as it were. A solid forty-minute drive in no traffic can be 3 hours or more with traffic due to the limited paths between. And while I believe “love knows no distance,” there are limits to his time. Selfish of me to ask for anything of him at this time. He is using his vital energy to survive, not thrive. I send him Metta daily, hoping he may find peace and balance before he collapses.

So he is physically and energetically unavailable. Add him to the list of men who have been the same, or emotionally or spiritually unavailable. As I am a magnet for what I am internally, I must ask myself where am I unavailable? Another post for another day.

Re-configuration

So, today as a Phoenix, I rise up again. “Finding myself magnetically.” Turning my “mistakes into gold.” I see where, once again, I was willing to overextend myself and stretch my own resources to connect. He is a beautiful man with a beautiful spirit who is an amazing lover. Yet, we would rarely be able to walk side-by-side, even when he works more reasonably. So here I sit, re-configured at a different level of understanding and completeness. Back in the sweet bliss I exist.

If you enjoy movies about man’s search for meaning, man-vs-himself genre, then I strongly suggest the movie “Into the Wild,” the soundtrack from which this song is part.

 

Namaste

__/|\__ Metta

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