Recovering from Heartbreak: Taking it to the Next Level

Healing from heartbreak can be a drawn out and difficult process. It can seem to take forever because we don’t like feeling hurt or that we are broken. Often we suppress our feelings and try to rush the process in our desire to feel “A-OKAY” which can further prolong the process.

Idealizing the person and the relationship keeps us stuck and from moving forward. These thoughts become an addiction. It is up to us to choose when we no longer wish to ruminate, when we would like to move forward. Just as with changing any habit, to be successful, we must replace our old habits with new ones. Initially, this takes effort and near constant redirection. Here are some of the tools I have found helpful in breaking the habit of idealization:

  • Burn Letters – This can be very transformative. Pour out your emotions onto paper. Say whatever is on your mind, or that needs to be gotten off of your chest. Then place the paper into the fireplace, or fire pit and let your feelings be transformed. The stronger the feelings, the more times this may need to be done. For some, it may be one and done. For most, it may require repeated efforts.
  • Sh*t List – List out the things you did not like or that went wrong. Yes, focus for a little bit on the negative. When we are idealizing someone or something, then we are avoiding the negatives.
  • Gratitude – Each time you think on the ex lover or relationship, mentally thank your ex for showing you what you want in your next relationship. In relationship, we experience examples of what we liked while learning through contrast what we do NOT want again.
  • Wish List – List out all the things that you want in your NEXT RELATIONSHIP. Feel into as many items as you can as you list them out.
    • Additional suggestions:
      • Make an A to Z list. Challenge yourself to find at least one thing for each letter.
      • Read and feel this list everyday.
      • Record the list in your own voice. Listen to it daily.
      • When you start to think about the ex-lover or that relationship, look at the list.
      • Share the list with a trusted friend who will NOT ridicule you.
      • Allow this list to live in your heart.
  • Radical Self-Care – What have you not been doing for yourself? Were there good self-care habits that fell to the wayside when you were in relationship/grieving?
    • Some ideas:
      • Love & forgive yourself more. The Ho’Oponopono Prayer* is amazing: “I Love You. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.”
      • Change your schedule.
      • Tidy your home, office or car.
      • Drive to work differently.
      • Exercise your body. This helps to get the emotions moving, too.
      • Fast (safely).
      • Eat foods that are right for your body.
      • Meditate.
      • Take a salt bath.
      • Go to the spa, get a massage, or have some energy healing done.
      • (Re)Connect with friends.
      • Journal.
      • Seek counseling or hypnotherapy.
      • See an Acupuncturist.
      • EFT

Ease & Flow: The Law of Attraction

There are words that support us and other words which do not. Many of us have marinated for years in negativity that we have learned from others, and that we have carried forward. The good news? We can change this if we wish!

To break free from the habit of negativity, it is imperative that we both recognize the habit and then put something new in its place. In hearing about a game* that Esther Hicks (Law of Attraction author and speaker) often plays, I sat down and typed out as many uplifting words as I could think then plugged them into the WordArt.com program to generate the featured image.

What uplifting words come to mind for you? Are there word pairs that seem to fit well and that resonate strongly for you? If so, repeat them, especially when feeling triggered. Become your own cheerleader; we each deserve to be our very own best friends. 

Namaste

*In the game, Hicks brings to mind a word that begins with each letter of the alphabet. She finds that this game brings her into a state of peace and greater alignment with The Divine, a place she calls The Vortex. If you are interested in learning more, you can easily find audio tracks on YouTube. She has also co-authored several books with her husband, Jerry.

Having What You Choose in Life

Life is a series of choices. Some are big. Some are small. Some may even seem like they don’t matter at all. Yet, each choice we make leads to a path with new choices, much like with driving. Once we choose a right at one intersection, we’ve changed our course and will have different options than had we stayed straight, turned left or made a U-Turn…or even if we stopped completely in the roadway.

Honestly, I believe we will each get there, it just depends on us HOW we’ll get there….

So there is some strategy involved to “level up” to be able to make the big choices we would like. We must ask ourselves, “What would it feel like to have the thing that I desire?” In focusing on the emotions instead of the outcome, we tune our GPS to find that path to our desire. Our emotions are our road map, if we choose to listen.

This is an important part, too! Once we feel the emotions involved, it is imperative that we then look to our current lives and surroundings. We must then begin to see, create  and give gratitude for those feelings in our lives right now; creating even more opportunities for them to be there. This will help us to magnify the energy to attract the things we wish to have.

Here’s an IRL example. In observing and experiencing life, I now have a more clear idea of what it is that I choose in a life partner. I have driven down many streets with many detours. Each road had a lesson. Sometimes I had to travel the same road because I didn’t learn it the first dozen or so times. My biggest hang ups? I did not believe I deserved to be with this person, I could not see myself with him – nor could I believe fully that he existed in real life, nor that he was fully available to me outside of my imagination.

Now that I believe he exists in real life and I also know that I deserve to be with him, I am seeing, appreciating, giving gratitude and thus magnifying the energies of connection and love. Other supportive energies include having fun and feeling happy, abundant, joyful, grateful, young, supported, appreciated, beautiful, worthy, and faithful.

With each moment that I focus on the presence of these feelings in my life, the less I focus on the lack of having a life partner. The presence involves being present. And the more present I am with the presence of these feelings in my life right now, the more accomplished I feel in having what I desire – and he isn’t even sitting next to me – yet.

When I focus on the nagging questions like, “When will we be together? How will it happen? How much longer is this going to freaking take?,” I am creating more lack and putting down barricades along my path. These questions are like opening the oven door to see if the cake has finished baking, or digging up the soil everyday after planting seeds – it ruins the cake and destroys the tender roots and shoots of what we’re choosing to create!

In essence, we are on a continual road trip in our lives. It is our choice which path we’d like to take and along the way, based on which paths we choose, we are given different options. We often choose the hard way and believe it cannot be that easy, much like my old belief that I was not worthy of love. Because of these outdated beliefs in lack we close down options in our minds that would have lead directly to the very things we would like to achieve.

Based on my understanding of the Laws of The Universe, to have what we choose in life we must:

  1. Identify what it is we choose & believe we can have it (we deserve it, it exists, etc)
  2. Identify how we would feel to have it
  3. Appreciate or create opportunities for #2 in our everyday lives
  4. Step back & allow the outcome to happen (without opening the oven or disturbing the soil). 

Now, here’s the grand irony. The more work that we do along these steps, the more at peace we feel and the less attached we become to the outcomes. For instance, the more I feel the emotions related to my desire (#2), the more peace I feel being single. Reminds me of Glinda the Good Witch, “You had the power all along…”

May we each know what we choose, believe that we can have it and have the courage to open ourselves to it, knowing that it is ours to have.  

Namaste

 

donations

it is my honor to receive any energy exchange donations if you liked what you’ve read and would like to share.

$1.00

faith

Allowing Joy

We often focus on the lack of what we don’t have more than enjoying the presence of what we do have. When we live this way, we block our ability to feel joy and happiness. We put our stock in our future happiness, and deplete ourselves of the joy that is in our lives in the here and now.

To bridge the gap, it is imperative to more fully see and experience the joy that is in our day-to-day and moment-to-moment lives. In seeking only “big” joyful moments, we miss the subtle opportunities to enjoy life as it is right now.  The more we can appreciate all the joys we have now, the more life brings us things for which to be grateful.

May we each see and more fully experience the joy and happiness that is in our lives right now. May we choose to be filled with the bliss of the present moment; this brings us more of which to enjoy and be grateful. 

Namaste

“Enjoy life’s little luxuries. Spend quiet time alone.” 9 of Earth

Stopping the Insanity of Dating

At a young age, I fell in love with the concept of love. I believed that to be in love with a man meant that all of my problems would go away. The knight in shining armor was a frequent fantasy of mine, though, he was rarely wearing armor in my mind. Ironically, it turns out that in reality the men I’ve been romantically involved with have had armor that was hidden, just below the surface. And so did I. 

When I decided that I wanted to end my marriage nearly 3 years ago, I believed that I would seamlessly walk out of his arms and into the arms of the “man of my dreams.” It’s great for me that this did NOT happen. For starters, I’d not have created this blog (today is my 2-year anniversary blogging, by the way!). Secondly, I would have just made the same damn mistakes that I made in my marriage; because I still hadn’t learned to love and respect myself. Thirdly, I would never have discovered that the love that I have been seeking all along has always been in my own heart. Finally, I never would have trusted in my own love. I did not believe that my love was enough, so I sought it in others.

I see now where I was running around, panhandling for love, seeking to put a few coins into my mostly empty cup. To seek that love and meeting of needs from someone else has only left me feeling disappointed, resentful, hurt and depleted. It is also crazy-making to seek from others something they can never truly give if they themselves feel broken or inadequate. Broken hearts only create more broken hearts. Hurt people hurt people.

So at 41, I’ve decided that I’m done with having a broken heart. I’ve decided that I’m over sorting through potential dating partners through on-line dating, or searching faces in a crowd for “him.” I’ve decided that I don’t want to waste any more of my life looking for something “out there” that is really within me. Only I can love myself the way that I need to be loved. Only I truly know my own needs enough to meet them fully.

The path to this decision has been tumultuous, unsteady and at times damn right frustrating. Now that I am here, I have a sense of peace and release that I have never experienced before. This decision has freed me to be myself more than ever before. This decision to stop dating, to stop beseeching, to stop putting myself in situations where I put my heart, and sometimes sanity, on the line has lead me to a new discovery; the well of my heart runs more deeply than I ever could have imagined.

While I still believe that there exists a “man of my dreams” and that I will meet him one day, it is imperative that until then, that I fill my own cup. If he is truly the man of my dreams, he is learning to do the same for himself.

Cheers to filling our own cups! Cheers to filling our own hearts with the very things we seek from others: Love and Acceptance. May we each find the peace and love within that we deserve, no longer only seeking it from others.

Namaste

broken-window

Love Them, Anyway

I keep feeling the call to love more and more; to dig deeper, to press into unknown territories, to pass through the anger and the fear, so as to love from a new part of my heart. Some people and situations make this easy. Others make it down right challenging.

“Love them, anyway,” the small quiet voice in my heart said when I started to call the guy who cut me off in traffic a jerk. “Love them, anyway,” my heart reminded me, even though they have said the same thing like five times, even though I had already repeated it back to them already. “Love them, anyway,” my heart whispers, even though their answers are short and curt when I am working to help them. “Love them, anyway,” my heart beckons, it’s easy to love the easy-ones-to-love. Now to learn to love the difficult ones..,

quote-the-real-love-is-to-love-them-that-hate-you-to-love-your-neighbor-even-though-you-distrust-mahatma-gandhi-87-17-95

 

This does not mean that I condone others’ behaviors. If someone is acting disrespectful, I can choose how I want to respond to protect my own integrity. It also means that I have the choice to not carry their names around in my head (or the labels I would like to give them), saying bad things and thinking bad thoughts about them. My thoughts about others also reflect the thoughts I have about myself…

So today, I’m learning to love others, anyway. Some people are easier to love at a distance. And yet, they need love just as much as anyone elseactually, I’d say the difficult ones need love even more. Hurt people hurt people. Love fills the wounds.


As I learn to love others, even with their faults and barbs, I am learning to love myself more and more, too.  So now, when I catch myself thinking what a jerk someone has been (and it had been happening more that I’d like to admit), I remove the word and do my best to see my interactions with them as a lesson…in compassion, for myself and for them. I also am sure to not call myself names, as well, lest the quote from Paul Valery (below) becomes reality.

quote-if-the-ego-is-hateful-love-your-neighbor-as-yourself-becomes-a-cruel-irony-paul-valery-87-23-69

Today, I set forth on a mission to learn to “love them, anyway.” It is my hope that you will join me. We will each grow in our abilities to love ourselves more in the end; each with a greater capacity for compassion. Let’s reverse the “hurt people, hurt people” fad by choosing to “love them, anyway.”

Yes, love them, anyway.

Namaste

Images: credits in images

 

Recent related posts:

Love is the Answer

I Send Love

Choosing Love in the Face of Everything

Love at the Core & Bridges

Getting Unstuck in Life: Seeing Our Life Patterns

Our thoughts are our GPS, consciously or not, they affect our actions and our paths. By becoming more aware of our underlying thoughts, we can more easily change our direction in life. 

Meanwhile, allowing our thoughts to run amuck in our minds, we give up our control to them. Our GPS takes us to the wrong places, and sometimes we find ourselves driving in circles; stuck in patterns that do not serve us. By being unaware of our underlying thoughts, they unconsciously drive our actions from the backseat. Here I will illustrate some examples of the growing awareness I have had of my thoughts over the past few weeks.

After reading and implementing the daily meditation recommended in the book, Yoga + Love, I have noticed an unexpected side effect. By becoming increasingly aware of what thoughts have been running like sound tracks in the background of my mind, I see where I have created insomnia, heartbreaks and lack of resources in my life. 

For someone who thought she had at least a foothold on understanding herself, this had been an eye-opening experience. It turns out that there have been many thoughts that I’ve had that have been silently running (and sidelining the progress in) my life.

For most of this year, I had been increasingly suffering from insomnia. After a week or so of twice daily heart-centered meditation, I suddenly saw where I was telling myself that I was not able to sleep, even before I got in bed. I was, in a proverbial sense, making my bed and lying in it: sleepless. 

Once I saw this “I can’t sleep” thought pattern, I was able to change it. Now I rest peacefully at night without taking any supplements to help me sleep! By changing my thoughts, I changed my sleeping patterns!

I have also noticed how often I tell myself that I don’t have something. Examples have included: “I don’t have the time/energy/ability to deal with this.” Guess what has then happened? Your probably guessed correctly, my thoughts became a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Now, if I hear what I am saying to myself is NOT something that I want in my life, I replace the once “subliminal” thought with one that supports the direction in which I wish to move. “I am capable. I am worthy. I have all the resources that I need to do this successfully.”

Then this week I saw where I had had a strong pattern of focusing more on sex compared to the emotional connections that I have desired over the past 2 years of dating. This was a truly necessary moment of truth, albeit a painful one. 

While my intention in the last round of dating had been to focus on emotional connections, and I achieved that, the underlying thoughts about sex were still there. They continued driving me and played a role in my (dis)connection with the last man I was dating. This is a challenging confession to make. Yet it is an important one for me to acknowledge and see as I move forward, so that I can now do things differently.

To fully correct this dysfunctional dating pattern, I am giving up dating right now for  6-months, if needed. It’s time for me to clear a good bit of these (and yet to be seen) thoughts and soundtracks so that I can create the connection that I truly desire. Instead of continuing to create connections that are based on the underlying thoughts of lust. After publishing this post, I read this on Mind, Body, Green

So as you can see, heart-centered meditation has been my key to self-discovery. May each of us find ways to uncover the thoughts that are secretly driving our actions, so that we may consciously choose a different pattern and, when needed, change our direction. 


Namaste

Images: Google

What Thoughts Do We Feed?

Easter heralds the season of renewal, rebirth and resurrection. One of the most influential things we can do to renew our lives for the better is to pay attention to what we are thinking and change our thoughts, if needed.

Where you invest your love, you invest your life. ~ Mumford & Sons, “Awake My Soul”

Thoughts are like sound tracks that play through our minds. Many times our thoughts are things that others have told us early in our lives that we believed. We carry those thoughts forward in our lives. Sometimes this helps us. Often times it does not support who we want to be nor how we see ourselves. The more energy, focus, emotion and attention we give to our thoughts, the more their arc of influence grows. This is important as our thoughts lead to our behaviors and actions. Our actions create our daily lives. 

77c0103418fc3f9220622f2f11dc7bb0

Another way to view this is that our minds are gardens. The thoughts we plant, water and pay attention to are the ones that grow and sprout, flower and eventually spread more seeds. It is important to hear the things we are telling ourselves. If this is an unwanted thought, do we really want to continue to allow it to grow and eventually “go to seed” and spread its influence further and further? On the other hand, what thoughts support us in where we want to be and go in life? The plants that we feed and water through our attention and focus are the ones that grow the most.

Recent unwanted things on my mind or “weeds to pull”:

  • “I am fat.” Guess who gained weight this month? 😉
  • “I am not worthy of …. (love, affection, attention, wealth, etc).”
  • “I am too much…I need too much…I am annoying…”
  • “I can’t sleep…sleep is so difficult for me…” Guess who was becoming an insomniac?
  • “I don’t have enough energy.” Guess who felt like she had lead in her shoes all day?

The things I say to myself when I hear the above thoughts or “planting fruit bearing plants”:

  • “My body supports me every day.”
  • “I have all the energy and resources I need.”
  • “My words & actions add value to the lives of others. By being me, I support others.”
  • “I get the sleep I need tonight and every night.”
  • “I am an author whose arc of influence expands daily.”

The things we can do when we have unwanted thoughts:

  • Acknowledge the thoughts, then focus on the love within the heart (even if it just feels like a sliver at first).
  • Imagine “dragging and dropping” the thoughts from the mind and into the heart.
  • Write a new dialogue, similar to the ones above that move in the direction of where we want to go.

For us to change our lives, it is important to pay attention to the things we are telling ourselves. The thoughts we have today are the seeds of our tomorrows. The lives we live today are the products of our thoughts from yesterdays. What do we want to plant today?

May we all be free of the weeds in our minds. May we instead plant and grow the seeds that support us the most.

Namaste

The Story of Two Wolves

Images: Google

Asking for What You Desire 

Affirmations are instructions for what you want to bring into your life. 

Our thoughts affirm to The Universe and The Creator what we want. We are magnets and what we think and feel brings to us all that we receive. It can be hard to accept this responsibility for one’s thoughts.

What are we affirming in our lives today? In other words, what thoughts do you have that are creating what you’re receiving in your life? 

Focused intent on what we want brings us our desires. 

Scattered, foggy and wishy-washy thinking brings us just that. 

Focus. Redirect. Love from the heart. This is where your life can have a new start…

Namaste 

Image: google 

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑