In Lack of Control & The Miracles that Followed

One primary persona of mine is to walk with confidence and appear to be “calm and under control;” the emotions pour out later. In this “mode,” I can hear my father’s mantra to be “calm, cool and collected” reverberating in my cranium. Recently, that persona broke wide the eff open for me. While it’s been an ongoing process of chipping away at this persona, on this particular day I had a very significant breakthrough.

My son was having an escalating series of temper tantrums. My attempt to control the situation and de-escalate it was only causing further … escalation. Based on a recent read of the book, Dark Side of the Light Chasers, by Debbie Ford, I saw where my need to seem in control was a direct result of my feeling that I lacked control. Literally, a light went off in one of the deepest (and darkest?) recesses of my mind. Once I affirmed that I was, indeed, not in control, I surrendered to my higher power and asked for guidance. I spoke to this event in the post Learning to be Secure.

The M.O. from the Past

In trying to prove to myself and to the world that Tiffany had it under control, I hid where I was not under control. Or tried to. I have had an emotional eating addiction for … probably my whole life. This is one of the ways that I both punish myself for my feelings (eating ’til it hurts) and then hide my feelings by stuffing my emotions down, down, down…

In trying to prove to the world that I had it under control, I learned to smile and put on a good game face; well kinda. One practitioner poignantly described me as being “zippered up.” Yet the muscles of my body reveal my guarded and “under control” tendency. Even with regular massages, I have held onto a great deal of tension; more than most.

In trying to prove to the world that I had it under control, I would attempt to control myself, my environment and … even those in it. Wow! That last one is a challenge to admit. Yet, as a physical therapist I develop (and control) treatment plans everyday. What a great profession to be in for someone who secretly wants to control everything and everyone… understand, I believed it was an act of self-preservation, not mind-control.

Where & why the control most likely started

This control is not so much about power for the sake of power, it’s more about my feeling safe. As a child, I was in situations where I was abused by “trusting” adults who manipulated and controlled me. From this, I believed that my body was not safe, that I had to control others – and myself – to be safe. From this abuse, I also didn’t believe I could trust people; especially those who were meant to protect me. Further more, I felt effing powerless, and hence the cycle starts over, feeding into itself. So for me, being in control has meant that it was harder for someone else to harm me.

Back to the Breakthrough

Yet on this fateful day, I chose differently. In recognizing my lack of control and giving up control to my higher power, I received greater clarity in everyday things. This has helped me to make wiser choices. The irony! Instead of being ruled by my fear of loss of control, I’m seeing that I have little control outside of my own choices, and now my choices are more clear, thus giving me …. more control! Yet in a different way, in that the control factor is no longer based in fear.

It is my hope that in sharing, you will find a greater understanding about yourself or perhaps a “control freak” that is in your life. The more we can understand and have compassion, the less turbulence we each create in our world.

May we each find a greater sense of peace in better understanding ourselves and others. 

Namaste

Sacred Union

A love so fierce it melts down barriers before resistance is born

Passion so great those near and far can it palpate

With laser focus, it cuts to the quick revealing truths within

Dross is evaporated again and again

Within this embrace, helpless in all transformations

Transmutations

Experiencing again Heaven on Earth

Knowing again one’s own worth; infinite

Melded individuals become the base of all sacred geometry

Mandorlas are lenses formed

A new way through which to view the world

The Vesica Piscis

A Divine Intersection of stars

The quintessential formation of all life

As two equals on common ground form

Sacred (re)union

As with-in, so with-out

Hand holding hand

Walking together

Opened, blossomed, unfettered

Life: Conjoined in Seed, Flower, Tree

A vehicle for movement

This, this is how galaxies are formed

Namaste

Seeing the Miracles

Right now, your heart is pumping and your lungs are breathing all without you having to consciously do a thing. Millions of your cells are living, dying and being born so that you can carry the light of life within you. Your ancestors experienced this thing called life long enough to bring more life into this world. Maybe you’ve even brought life into this world.

Cellular data is being transmitted through airwaves so that you can read these words on your screen. 150 years ago, we did not even have telephones which were invented in 1876. Ponder on that for a moment, as many of us use our phones as hand held machines.

Day in and day out we are surrounded by miracles, many of which are beneath our very noses.

Zoom back a bit more. See all of the places in which we are supported: food, shelter, society, family, friends, our work/jobs, education, electricity, fuel, cars, roads and etc. People have created many of these constructs; people like you and me, who survived long enough to leave a legacy.

When we take a moment to step back and see all that surrounds us and that occurs within us that keep us going, we can begin to appreciate all that we really have; even if it isn’t all “perfect,” it is all here to perfectly support us. This is before we even begin to explore the more esoteric miracles… The more aware we become, the more miracles we can see.

May we each see and appreciate the miracle of our lives and all the large and small miracles that support us in all ways, every day.

Namaste

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