being okay ~ with not being okay

the pain is in the resistance. we block our own paths to freedom when we resist the reality of now. pushing away the emotions, stuffing them down, brushing them under the rug and running away (by staying constantly busy), we blind ourselves to our truths ~ and the very path to our independence from suffering.

one of my biggest weight loss secrets is learning to love myself. the next one is that when i became angry at my fat, instead of wishing it away, i imagined myself being surrounded by the fat. immersing myself in the very things i did not like about myself, being okay with the parts of myself i was NOT okay with, i was able to see the path to freedom from suffering: acceptance.

regardless of what we don’t want to feel: lonely, forgotten, abandoned, rejected, indebted, unhappy, angry, afraid, sad or even horny-as-hell, the more we push away the things we do not want to feel, the more these energies align and build seemingly against us and our wishes. just as a child throwing a temper tantrum longs for our attention and love, these aspects of ourselves long for our attention and acceptance. when we deny any aspect of ourselves, we are abandoning ourselves…

often the only path is through the valley of the shadows of death. if we can see the shadows for what they are, the absence of light, then and only then can we be free from the fear of going into the valley and shining the light of our truth on the things that we fear, we can be free of these fears.


image: google


Perspective: It’s Everything

When I look at life as magical and miraculous, I see magic at every turn. Yet, when all I feel is despair, then I find myself disconnecting – creating the very thing I believe. How I perceive means everything; it can make me, it can break me. Truly. Sadly. Happily. You name it, I create it.

Just this past Friday I found myself in the grips of despair. After I removed the distraction of WordPress, the loneliness that I had been evading (quite creatively; thinking I was doing well by myself, nonetheless), became oppressive.

Interestingly, swimming is a powerful visualization for me when I am in physical or emotional pain. It seems that with my recent descent into the Abyss, being in a submarine offered too much protection and this time, I found myself skin diving through the River Styx, a river I have greatly dreaded conquering.


Zero: A New Birth

The whispers
in my ears roaring the things I don’t want to hear

The lost words
of how the river of Styx feels on my toes

The air
Raped from my lungs when pushed in from above

The pit of despair
What brought me here? No air: who fucking cares?

The pain consuming all
Deeply felt until the nothing permeates & penetrates

The absolute resolution
The darkness fills my heart: full dissolution

The armor
No longer needed; no thing to protect anyway (hearing echoes of “who fucking cares?”)

The lack of container
Flowing just as the river, until becoming it; everything

The movement
As I flow from here to there, every where yet no where, every thing yet no thing

Less than zero
The complete submission
Freedom rings, a return to air

A new Zero
The rebirth
Toes dipping into the River Styx, until next time when I feel lost again

Once I reemerge from this river, there is no longer a sense of loneliness. I feel complete again. In fact, my “need” for a romantic relationship is shed. In swimming through the river Styx, I shed another layer of the part of me that felt lonely; incomplete.

It can sound scary to swim through the River Styx, yet my faith that I am protected allows me to repeatedly swim when it feels I cannot breathe. While I do not view myself as a Christian, in the last 8 or so years, I have begun to see some scripture in a different light. Perspective, once again, can make things so different in my life.

The 23rd Psalm, in particular, holds great power for me. I recite it, as well as other powerful verses, Ho’Oponopono and Reiki when I find myself in any sort of jam. Tom Kenyon, co-author of The Magdalen Manuscript: The Alchemies of Horus and the Sex Magic of Isis, offers a new perspective of this Psalm. After hearing his explanation of the alterations that include the Divine Feminine, I was blown away. Throughout my work, I often refer to Psalm 23 as it helps me so frequently.

According to Kenyon, this Psalm has connections to the Hermetic system in Egypt. [if you would like to listen to his words, you will need to go to his site, click the agreement to his copyright terms, then scroll way down to the bottom and you will see two links to the 23rd Psalm to either download or listen. One is the Alchemical Decoding and the other is a voice recording, an interesting experience]

23rd Psalm
“Mantra of Protection”

The Lord is my shepherd,
     Your celestial soul protects you
I shall not want.
     when in connection with your celestial soul, you are not in lack.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures,
     life situations that are nourishing
She restoreth my soul.
     through being still & connecting with the still quiet voice within
He preparest a table in the midst of mine enemies.
     we are abundant and given what we need, in spite  inner and outer enemies; ourselves 
She anointed my head with oil,
     refers to connection with our higher centers (Ureaus) 
my cup runneth over.
     the blessings overflow
Even though I walk through the valley of the Shadows of The Death,
     the old world is dying; daily our cells also die – we live amongst both death and life
I shall fear No Evil,
     there is nothing to fear when we are connected
For Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
     references to the Egyptian Ascension process which offer protection through ascension
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.
     when we are connected to our higher aspects, we receive grace
And I shall dwell in the house of The Lord, Forevermore.
     you are in the house of your own celestial soul
    so be it


It is my hope that after reading this, you may find a new perspective of this Psalm, so often read at funerals and associated with death. Yet, for me it offers so many keys to living.

Interesting to note that in my opening statement I refer to the magic of life. Today, after I observed an Osprey flying overhead (connections to Hermes, The Egyptian symbol of the Soul), that I was offered a bottle of water by a local church during my morning run/walk. Attached to the bottle was a scripture. It was Psalm 23:2 “He maketh me to lie down in green pastures, He leadeth me beside still waters.” I could have refused the offering, yet I heard Buddha’s teaching to receive what is offered from others. I could have also received 1 of 9 other scriptures, yet I received this one, which also reflects my journey of respite from WP as well as my swim through the River Styx.

Later in the day I was out and about, waiting for some work to be done on my Jeep. The TV in the lounge was showing the Michigan State vs Purdue game. After I sat down, laptop open, the score was tied at 23 to 23. This lasted for the better part of a minute. I wish I could make this shit up. While I wanted to sit down and work on many other pieces, I was clearly being lead to work on this piece about Psalm 23, IMHO.

Perhaps it is my belief in the magic of life that brings me these hints and messages: perspective!

Author’s note: 23 is a very powerful number for me. I was born on the 23rd of the month, my grandmother’s birthday. My BFF was born on the 23rd of January. I also love prime numbers, they represent for me the bit of beauty found in being indivisible; the asymmetry and imbalance. They are “imperfect” and I fucking love them for it.


The Song of the Sea

Gonna rise up turning mistakes into gold.

Gonna rise up and find my direction magnetically…

Rise by Eddie Vedder

It’s no wonder I must descend into the murky depths for my soul to heal.

When I feel, I feel with each and every fiber of my being; down to the core.

My passion, when I fully allow it, runs rampantly;

a fire wildly coursing through my body.


I needed the depths of the abyss to suffocate

the fire that threatened to me burn down to my subatomics.

In descending into unconsciousness, I was at a loss for words.

Words are not the void’s means of  expression;

instead feelings and images, pain & suffering.


the abyss was the wet blanket I needed,

for my passion was threatening to consume me;

deeply burning from inside out.

the water helped me to avoid over-consumption; burning up to nothing.

in ascending, my fire is more maintainable, less overwhelming.


the treasures are new sight, renewed freedom and a greater sense of peace.

while i was down, i knew it was not forever, i was loved and protected,

being told repeatedly “tomorrow this time, you will be ok”

the still quite voice reminded me, over and over, again and again.

even in the throes of my darkest pain and suffering, i new i would be reborn.


the pain, the suffering, the blindness were all springboards

to a new level of being: happiness with less pain and with greater clarity of vision.

no longer bound by my self-induced prison.


the dark night of the soul, I can now say,

has brought to me brightness in a new way.

my spring has sprung, now ready to face a new day.


i thought i needed a knight, of the darkness or the light

to save me, yet here I am shown again and again,

I am the hero in my own story.

I am the knight, both dark and light.


the daughter of a seemingly absent King Neptune

who magically bestows everything in its Divine time,

who really truly is always there for me, if I but ask nicely.


a lady of the water,

who knows how to breathe, while holding her breath.

knowing that under the water, there is life,

even when walking through the valley of the shadows of death.


the song of the sea; the right song for me

learning to live life more and more authentically.

singing with my voice fully opened,

free to be me; the song of the sea


now i see why she has called to me,

no wonder inland I could not live: I am of the Sea.

now learning to forgive my trespasses

and those who have trespassed against me.



__/|\__ Ananda & Metta


What Many Miss with the Law of Attraction 

Many who practice the Law of Attraction often forget a few key components, what we resist persists. The pain is in the resistance. Allowing and surrendering heal us.  So many who are practitioners avoid the “void” feelings because they say feeling it will attract it. True! And not healing it keeps it in your energy field, too!

So many in the spiritual community focus on the rainbows and butterflies, resisting and ignoring the rain and the death of the caterpillar that must occur prior to the birth of the other.

Both negative and positive emotions have “charges.” These charges attract like charges. So when we carry fear, knowingly or unknowingly, we attract fear into our lives. It is merely our soul’s attempt to fully experience the thing that we missed in our previous lessons. So when we don’t fully heal from something it stays in our field as a charge. It produces energy and it attracts that energy to us.

To heal, we must feel. We must walk through the valley of the shadows of death. Once we gain neutrality to that event in how we feel, emote and behave, then we decrease the pull of attraction of those experiences to us.

We may still see the things we feared after obtaining neutrality, yet now we can view them as the witness. We may also see these events unfold so that we can do our part to help to shepherd and guide others through the pass; leading them to safety based on our own experiences. Another reason for seeing the events is to show us our own personal growth. In all cases, following the activation of the witness to that charge or vibration, we are no longer (or are minimally) triggered.

I also personally find that by being more neutral that something better and more beautiful comes along; often times better beyond my wildest dreams.

So remember, the pain is in the resistance. What we resist persists. What persists we attract back to ourselves. This applies for the positive, too. We create resistance when we push for something to happen.

Release and surrender are in the allowing; removing the charge neutralizes the negative impact to us. As we grow, we can help others grow.

May we all grow into our greater neutrality.

The Transformative Power of Pain

Here I will focus on how emotional pain can be a powerful tool for transformation through the release of held energy. We often block feeling our emotions because we feel that we will die from them. The emotions are not real as they cannot kill you. Instead, they block us from our greatest potential.

While not religious, I do feel there are nuggets of truth in scripture. I love the 23rd Psalm for it’s reference to this process of walking through the Valley of the Shadows of Death. Fear no evil.

Imagine a series of springs that are coiled. These represent the areas where we do not want to feel something and we push it down, cocking the spring. Suppressing the spring’s natural desire to be open, we use our vital energy to maintain this out of fear, maintaining the status quo, not wanting to feel, guilt, shame, etc. The fully cocked spring also invokes a potential energy to be experienced in the release of the spring.

Where do these “springs” come from?
When we tell ourselves that we don’t have time for something, cannot deal with something and are not fully present when an event unfolds, we store the energy of what we chose not to fully experience.

So what do I do to release the spring?
This energy must be accessed fully to allow the release of the energy. Once we stop suppressing the spring’s release, the spring opens and our energy can be increased exponentially. The release of energy is in two ways: by no longer diverting energy to suppression and by the kinetic energy released when un-cocking the spring.

So I still don’t know what I need to do here…
We begin by being fully in our bodies. We have a tendency to pull our energy up and out when we experience something we do not want to fully feel (I feel this contributes to physical pain, that’s for another day). To be in our bodies, we feel as many things as we can. Feel the surfaces where we are supported. Feel the clothes on our skin. Feel the air. Feel the back of our bodies, into our toes, heels. Feel!

Once fully present in our bodies, we can more easily walk through the shadows of our pain. Sitting and allowing whatever emotions to be, continuing to breathe and crying freely when called to. Avoid wiping away the tears, allowing the by-products of our pain to be, we free it that much more (yes, let the snot flow, too). We know we are complete when we feel an all pervasive sense of peace and calm.

My sadness/anger is a bottomless pit, how am I going to survive this?
Know that there is only so much energy that can be released at a time. Give trust to the parts of ourselves that know how much we can handle. When walking through it, we often feel overwhelmed. Consider the rise and fall of a wave. The wave cannot stay up for forever.

The challenge becomes that the peak is often when we most want to run away from the pain, again suppressing the spring. Please stay with it. Successful Navy SEALs state that they survived BUD/S training by knowing that the torture could not last forever (they were required to have meal breaks, after all).

As part of natural childbirth training, I slowly counted to ten during the hardest contractions. This was effective during both of my long labors. Knowing that the peak could not last forever, even though at times it felt that it would, kept me from freaking out and kept me present. The same concept of a peak followed by a fall rings true for emotional pain. It cannot peak forever.

What do I do then?
After the release of the emotional spring, we have more energy available to us to use as we wish. This is a slowly building process. I find that the bigger the spring I tackle, the more energy that becomes available. Being gentle and allowing the process is part of allowing that increases our energy.

Anything else?
This process is something that needs to be consistently applied for the best results. Being more present in our daily lives prevents the accumulation of more springs.

With each iteration, we build strength and fortitude as well as confidence to walk with less fear of the shadows. At some point, we even begin to look forward to the challenge. Take heed, however, this may take some time. For now, I recommend consistent application of this process to anything that ails you. Allow the emotions to flow. This allows for greater flow of creativity and your vital energy.

Personally, I have found that I require less sleep overall. After a significant release of shame regarding my sexuality, I have experienced a wellspring of both energy and creativity (more another day on why sexual suppression can block creativity. Hint: it’s related to the second or Sacral Chakra).

Consistent meditation can also help. I am working on writing up the meditation process I have personally found to be the easiest and most efficient way to release my springs – in a way that rarely brings me to tears, nor to my knees in fear.

Go forth and feel. The emotions are not real, they cannot kill you. Instead, they block you from your greatest potential.


Photo credit


The Path of the Lotus

For the lotus to bloom
It must overcome its fear
Of the dark,
Reaching in faith upwards
towards the light.
Fighting gravity,
Fighting inertia,
Trusting its growth is true
While the murky waters keep it blind.

Feeling all alone,
One could easily give up,
Never penetrating the darkness,
Never basking in the glow of the sunlight.
Never reaching the surface,
Never realizing its purpose.

The lotus must
Hold onto some
Of its beauty.
On some level,
Even before it is
The seeming fantasy
Begins to live once
Ascension through
Through the valley of the
Shadows of death,
Where her beauty belies
The darkness she feels.

The experience of fear where
The only death is the death
Of the old skin.
The old self that
No longer can survive
In the unfiltered light.
It must be left behind,
It is merely the lie,
The illusion of
You that you
Believed to be true.
The smaller self
Must be sacrificed,
For the ascension
To occur.
Surrender it
To the void.

Once through the valley of shadows,
Once through the murky waters,
You reach the sunlit surface,
And you will find others there.
And you will realize,
You never were alone.
You were surrounded by
Others all along.
They too
Had to
Rise up
In faith,
That weakness
Is strong.

Once at the surface
Spread your wings
Open your bloom
To the Sun.
To the truth.
Bask in the afterglow
of the
of the
You that
You always were.
Always have been.

Just as the seed
Of the lotus holds
The potential of the lotus bloom,
You are the seed
Of the Higher You.
Waiting for you to
Reach through.


Photo by sakhorn38 at

Change Takes Courage


To go forth and be Merry, we first must remove the (seeming) obstacles to our merriment.

It takes courage to look within to see where our lives are not what we would like them to be.

It takes will and courage to make the changes that we need to free ourselves from these obstacles, and to see the truth of who we are: Free.

It takes courage to be who we are here to be, without hiding behind the mask of our fears.

It takes courage to walk through the valley of the shadows of death, but the alternative is staying stuck in the very cycles and thought patterns which no longer serve us.

The reward for this courage? Freedom. Peace. Embracing our very own magnificence.

Photo by Vlado by

Being Small No More


For many years of my life, I have chosen to do the things that made me feel small. I feared sticking my neck out, being too big, too loud, too much 0f anything. I drove a small, quiet car that was fuel efficient. I wanted to blend in. I wanted to hide. I feared being seen. Mostly, I feared being big.

I thought I was safe in my little shell. I thought that if I just kept my head down and kept moving that I would incur less damage. I mostly wore demure clothes, never wearing heels or doing things to call attention to myself in public.

Being a 5’8″ tall woman does not lend one to being small.

No longer able to shirk my calling to be a bigger, better version of myself, I am learning to sing my own praises, and accept them from others. Trading in the light colored Prius for a “Firecracker Red” Jeep was also a start as the Prius was cramping my style; driving for just 5 minutes made my hip hurt.

Growing emotionally, I am now sharing the very things that scare me most and that make me feel the most vulnerable. This strengthens my emotional body.

While it is scary as hell, I pass through the valley. Once on the other side, I can revel in my newly exposed, wrinkle-free skin. With each revelation, I grow further into my magnificence, the glory of God that I am here to be.

Please join me!


Photo by amenic181 at

Shadows of Death


Even though I walk through the valley of the shadows of death, I shall fear no evil.

– Psalm 23

In Buddhism, Shiva, the creator and the destroyer, represents the process of breaking down that needs to occur prior to being able to build back up. Nature is filled with examples of this idea of death and rebirth. A wave breaks on the shore before being pulled back out into the ocean, only to form again. The tree dies, decomposes and becomes the nutrients for the seedlings. This is a natural cycle, yet for some reason in our Western culture we shirk away from the idea of death.

The idea of death can become pervasive for me when moving through the painful aspects of the emotions of change. It is then that I often experience pain in a way that leads me to want to die. (Hang up the phone, there’s no need to call for help.) This is a passive wish for which I do not take harmful actions. Over the years and with learning compassion for myself, I have learned that this “death wish” is only temporary. This is the part of me that no longer works for me; the part of me that needs to be released or transformed. It is the part of me that needs love the most at that moment and it is that part of me that is dying to be loved. Literally.

By being compassionate with myself, by performing my self-care rituals such as meditating, going within, chanting mantras or just being still and honoring the part of myself that is “dying” to be reborn, I find that I can move more quickly through this cycle of death. For this is not a true death; instead it is the shadow, or the threat, of death. It is my belief that this is what is meant in Psalm 23. Death is but a shadow that lurks around us. It is our fear of the shadow that gives it the power to control us. By having faith, we are able to move through the valley (“I shall fear no evil, for thine rod and thy staff, they comfort me.” – Psalm 23).

The challenge comes in releasing attachment to the part of me that is dying. The attachment to “who I thought I was” is where the suffering begins, and if I chose to allow it, to also end. Loving myself into my strength looks like, and sometimes feels like, death.

By honoring the natural cycle of death and rebirth, I can keep moving through the process. By honoring myself, through compassion, I am able to be reborn. I am able to leave behind that which no longer serves me.


Photo Courtesy of Nick Coombs on

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