The Ecstasy of Hiking

The almost winter sun warms my skin

As it shines down, playing peek-a-boo through the trees

Cypress knees jut up from earth and bogs, 

Hard to tell at first where the reflection ends and the trees begin


Pine needles, earth and wet leaves soften the foot falls as I advance 

Cypress needles, warmed in the sun, 

their scent carried on the breeze, fills my sense of release

Migratory birds chirping, “what’s with this heat?”

The beauty of life fills my lungs with each inspiration

The sound of the breeze builds in the distance,

A dull roar similar to the sounds of waves crashing on the beach

Butterflies flitter across the path, dashing away into the tree line 

Light filters through the laurels, needles and dances on the ground 

My knees beg to kneel and see how the softened needles would feel

Pressing into my flesh


The pure ecstasy of this moment is almost too much to bear 

Tears well in the corners of my eyes

Easily misconstrued by passers by

My sternum lifts, my belly tightens

Elongating my spine, tractioning nerves 

Increasing their sensitivity, drinking in 

More and more of my surroundings 

My mind wonders what it will be like to walk with him

I call in his energy and waves of electricity move up my skin; his signature 

The blue sky opens through the trees

Right now deciding that I’ll enjoy the fullness of this solitude 

Finding solace and sanctity in this moment

Another gusting breeze builds in the distance

Its dull roar subsides as it moves away

Like the tides, another building breath of the earth moves in

Wisps of hair tickle my skin

Today, yes, today is a beautiful day to be alive 

Namaste

Lady of the Water: Keys to Address

As I start to live more and more in my power, I can set why I have feared this.

Where I am going can be filled with great loneliness. 

Rising up from the Abyss has given me great clarity.

For the man who can hold my hand, walking next to me will need a great Will and vast strength. 

A Warrior in his own right.

~~~

In looking at my reflection in the still, living waters,

I see behind me a man who like me has endured great suffering.

Much like the hero in Unbreakable, he has survived what would have killed a mere mortal. 

Yet unlike Unbreakable, water might be a terrible weakness if I am to be your only mistress.

~~

I am a King’s daughter, a Lady of the Water. 

My water runs deeply, supporting and yet sometimes runs too fiercely. 

If you cannot swim in dark emotions, 

then this place by my side may not be yours for the taking, 

For often I stand where the waves are breaking.

~~

It seems the seas I ride are either calm or tsunami level. 

Serene and crystal blue I can bring to you. This is always my goal. 

Yet to get to the Caribbean, sometimes we must pass through the Sargasso Sea, the doldrums of the Horse Latitudes where excess weight is jettisoned. 

Watch closely in the Bernuda Triangle, it can swallow ships whole. 

~~

When I tac, I don’t change direction lightly. 

Wear a life vest, gain your sea legs. 

This vessel goes to great depths, 

You might want to practice holding your breath.

sometimes I dive with little to no warning. 

to trust the deep waters can be a difficult thing in learning.

~~

While I can be life sustaining, 

heed warnings that I can also suffocating and flooding as I learn to modulate my new found energy.

For me, this can be overwhelming,

as I never know where the waters will take me.

~~

Though mostly earth energy, 

so many of my aspects are mutable, 

changeable and ruled by Mercury. 

Quicksilver a metal that is liquid at room temp. 

Communicative, and quick-witted so I won’t put up with too much of your shit without dishing it back, on a silver platter of course.

Heavy and dense this is where I live. 

Metal, yet a liquid, it moves with free will.

~~

So I ask you, do you think you could handle all this?

If you do, I can promise sweet bliss, 

just know it won’t always be as easy as this.

For mine is the path less traveled, unmapped, sometimes seemingly unnavigable. 

Be the ship’s pilot whose faith is beyond the compass, 

outside of your intuition the North Star is the best source for seeking direction. 

For I have a strong feeling that most of the travel may not be in the light, 

instead we may often find ourselves traveling under the cover of night.

~~

If this description fits you, I’ll love it when you call refer to me as “Milady”

~~

Water Category: Depth Finder

Namaste

__/|\__ Ananda & Metta

2016.02.29

Image: Dreamstime

Parabola: All this Pain is an Illusion

Music is a potion and elixir for me. Maynard James Keenan’s (MJK) work with Tool, A Perfect Circle and Puscifer have been incredibly helpful for me beginning over 20 years ago. I have listened often to MJK in the past two years while recovering the pieces of myself following years of self-abuse and the “bottoming out” following the demise of my marriage.

I fully recognize the resistance you may feel in reading that pain is an illusion. When we are experiencing pain it can be all consuming and all encompassing at the time. Physical pain can often be easier to feel that emotional, or worse, spiritual pain. When we surrender in the moment, we can find that our pain begins to subside.

“All this pain is an illusion” is found in the songs Parabol & Parabola by Tool. These two songs are incredibly powerful and are best listened to consecutively, as the lyrics for the songs mirror one another.

While in Parabol one feels like one is descending with the decrescendo of the music, in Parabola, the music seems to be an ascension. Both songs are from the album Lateralus, which is based on the Fibonnacci sequence.

 

These two songs, I realize, are very much in alignment with my descent and ascension from the abyss that I experienced this week. I hope you enjoy the music, at the very least the lyrics.

Praise to Maynard James Keenan, you’re a fucking Genius! See you in April!!!

Parabol
by Tool

So familiar and overwhelmingly warm
This one, this form I hold now.
Embracing you, this reality here,
This one, this form I hold now, so
Wide eyed and hopeful.
Wide eyed and hopefully wild.

We barely remember what came before this precious moment,
Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside…
This body holding me, reminding me that I am not alone in
This body makes me feel eternal. All this pain is an illusion.

Parabola
by Tool

We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment
We are choosing to be here right now
Hold on, stay inside…

[Chorus:]This holy reality, this holy experience
Choosing to be here in…
This body, this body holding me
Be my reminder here that I am not alone in…
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion

Alive!

[Chorus]

Twirling round with this familiar parable
Spinning, weaving round each new experience
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing
A chance to be alive and breathing

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality
Embrace this moment, remember, we are eternal
All this pain is an illusion

Namaste
__/|\__ Ananda & Metta
2016.02.28

Image: MJK google

your essence, your presence

lying in bed,

lonely in my head.

thoughts of you on the fringes,

while I tap out my words,

i begin to feel your spell

overcome me.

first chills, then a sense

of your presence.

soon begins the familiar

moistening,

softening

and warming.

spreading.

your electricity

above my skin.

imagining engulfing you

pulling you in

again & again.

such a sweet release,

just before succumbing

to a most peaceful slumber

where in my dreams we meet.

may one day you come to me

outside of this time of sleep.

~~

Namaste
__/|\__ Metta

2016.01.22

image: google

Love the Mind & the Body will Follow

 

Sex is easy; well, mediocre sex is at least.
Yet it is my mind that is
so often left wanting,
desiring.
Thirsty for more
compassion,
appreciation,
stimulation,
attention and
affection.

Things I can easily gift to myself.
Yet can mean so much more
when seen through the eyes of a lover.

The very things I most fear
to reveal are the very things
that need the most
to be
loved,
accepted,
and appreciated,
it seems so clear.

It can be oh so hard to let go
of the armor,
to allow the full
spectrum of colors to flow,
unbidden.
So many facets remain hidden.

See past the veil,
my friend;
see what to others
remains concealed.

Make love to my mind, I say.
My body will in short order
follow.

Your reward will be quite
sweet.
Passionate undying heat.
Naked, revealed
my inner vixen.

Make love to my mind
the way the Sun loves
the Moon in the sky.
Accepting her for both
her light and her darkness.
I promise, you won’t be remiss.

 

Namaste.
__/|\__ Metta

2016.02.09

Sexual Deviance? (NSFW)

As a self-described Type-A controlling Alpha woman with a doctoral degree, I was very surprised when I was turned on by a man telling me how to dress and how to impress him. Yet it turned me on even more when he said things like, “I like a woman who can follow orders.” While I could enjoy the imagery of other women being handled roughly, it was never something I considered for myself as alluring…

Having just separated from my then husband, my sole partner for nearly 20 years, I was completely aghast and astounded. What the fuck is this? I kept asking. The arousal was undeniable. I wanted to please this commanding 6’4″ man; which gave me a sexual rush I had never experienced before.

Perhaps the allure of being dominated is the honesty and confidence it takes to tell someone what you want; for both to be open and honest about their own boundaries. Having been in a predominately passive-aggressive marriage where needs were outright ignored and subverted even when clearly stated or met through manipulation there is great freedom in knowing what one’s partner wants; and in being honest with myself about what I want.

In fact, I see now where I sought out men who would not attempt to sexually dominate nor intimate me; a mirror for my own sexual inhibitions and shame. For example, at the time of my separation I was both taller (5’8.5″ vs 5.7″) and weighed more than my ex (233 vs 215). Now, 56 pounds later and I’m not sure the weight comparison, but yes, I’m still taller! (smile)

BDSM: A Mental Illness
Until 2013 with the publication of DSM V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), BDSM was considered a mental health disorder. Now, mental health researchers are finding that, perhaps, adults who consentually participate in BDSM (bondage-discipline, Dominance/submission, sado-masochism) may in fact be more psychologically healthy.

Yet, even with this change in perspectives from a mental health and diagnostic standpoint, there still seems to be a great deal of shame placed on this community; many hide behind a cloak of shame (or at least anonymity).

Dominance/submission Seen Energetically
I see the world in terms of energy. The balanced male/masculine energy is electric and moves generally in straight lines (think hunters, spears, bows/arrows and lightening). The balanced female/feminine energy is magnetic and moves in many directions, concentrically (think “gatherers,” knitting/weaving as well as magnetic field and gravity lines).

Together, the balanced male and female* energies work together beautifully. The feminine draws to her the masculine through her magnetism. She draws in the energy of the ethers/the matrix, it is his electricity and structure that directs hers. Consent is required for her to truly give over her energy to him for directing. Thus when working together, he channels the energy she has gathered. In this model, she is submissive to his dominance. To me, D/s now makes perfect sense. (feel free to comment if you need me to expand this further).

*Let me be clear here, I do not feel that this means that only heterosexuality is normal nor that he is always dominant while she only submissive. Instead, I’m talking here about the underlying energy dynamics of the D/s relationship. 

There are switches (those who change between D/s and M/F roles), as well as feminine Dommes with masculine subs. Even in F/F and M/M homosexual relationships, there is generally the more masculine (and thus feminine) of the two. This model would still apply in those situations in my mind. What I refer to here is the overall energy of the relationship. 

Silent all these Years & Tired of Hiding
For most of my life, I have suppressed my own voice; afraid to sing both literally and figuratively. I feared my own voice, in some ways I still do.

Meanwhile I have also placed my own hips in bondage having restricted their movement when I walk, when I dance; afraid to let them move too much and thus bring unwanted sexual attention. I now believe this restricted movement resulted in my hip injury while running.

For so long now, I have hidden behind my fears; my shame. This blog, tiffanybeingfree (TBF) was created as an avenue for me to be truly free; uninhibited. Yet, sexually, I felt that for me to be able to express my truest desires that I needed to hide. It is my hope that you will continue to follow me on this journey of self-discovery, as I believe it can help you to find more freedom within yourself. For each candle that is lit in the darkness, we each can see more clearly.

Perhaps this new unfolding means that train has stopped for you. Regardless, I wish you well!

Namaste. Love in Light and Darkness!

__/|\__ Metta

image: google

2016.02.07

 

Mirror Work with a Twist (TMI Alert)

So last week I embarked on the journey of mirror work. Something I have hated in the past because I prefer perfection and am a romantic idealist. Seeing myself in the mirror means my eyes immediately pin point all of my flaws. Things most others probably do not see. And yes, I see irony in my healing process looking at each aspect of my body as a different part instead of seeing myself as a whole (my end goal). I am more than my body and the sum of my parts.

So the first day of mirror work I chronicled well here. The next day was similar with the use of oil and lovingly applying it to my skin while I gave gratitude to my body.

Day 3, I believe it was (absolutely, it was), I had a bit of an interesting twist, shall we say. TMI Alert: stop reading this if you don’t want to know too much about me.  First some background: since my separation and divorce, I have developed quite a habit of “taking care of my needs” in the morning. Particularly after writing (and reading) here on WP. So, in running behind on my routine, I decided to combine mirror work with “taking care of business,” (TCB). It was fucking amazing!

I’ve always avoided looking in mirrors during sex. Even eye contact was often too much for me, though I truly desire to have a tantric sex experience, it scares the fuck out of me. Unbroken eye contact just sitting across from someone is hard enough, add sex, passion, pleasure and pain to that and I’m looking away; I’m out. Heck, it’s only recently that I could keep my eyes open, even with masturbation.

Ok, so back to the mirror work. It was incredibly erotic and … healing to see myself both receiving pleasure (as the giver) as well as to see myself climax; something I have never seen. I was able to maintain eye contact with my reflection. It was so hot, I couldn’t wait to do it again that night.

I can’t say that I’ve done this everyday, I missed a few days (a fatal mistake) but every time since then TCB has been in front of the mirror. It’s awesome. If you haven’t tried this, I highly recommend it. The next level up for me is going to be in front of the full length mirror and not just the bathroom vanity.

This is such a trifecta. You see, vanity has been such an issue for me as have body and sexual shame. This work has propelled me forward in my work spiritually and personally.

Namaste.

__/|\__ Metta

Image: Google

the submission

shape me

form me

I am but 

putty in your 

hands

roll me over

if you wish

take me

to the next level

of resistance

so that we may begin

again.

your hardening

to my softening of

succombing 

letting go

of everything

I know.

falling apart

coming undone

like a pebble in

your river of life.

take me down a level,

to build me back up,

rising higher with

each turn,

sinking lower to

clear out that

next bit

of resistance…

Namaste.

Photo credit

Driving Topless


I use to drive

Across the state

In college

Topless

To feel the sun shine, the wind caress

My bare breasts

Was exhilirating

The truck drivers liked it

Buzzkill boyfriend pointed out

It might just cause

An accident

Who wants to bear that blame

Such a shame

I ever listened

Namaste

Photo by Salvatore Vuono at freedigitalphotos.net

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