sexual abuse – unfiltered from the heart

In Lack of Control & The Miracles that Followed

One primary persona of mine is to walk with confidence and appear to be “calm and under control;” the emotions pour out later. In this “mode,” I can hear my father’s mantra to be “calm, cool and collected” reverberating in my cranium. Recently, that persona broke wide the eff open for me. While it’s been an ongoing processContinue reading “In Lack of Control & The Miracles that Followed”

The humility of forgiveness

In my heart space within meditation, all I could see was her face suddenly appearing just in front of mine without warning; a surprise. My loving & innocent inner child was the first to respond hugging her and loving her maternal energy. Soon the wounded side of me woke up, attempted to buck, but theContinue reading “The humility of forgiveness “

Why I didn’t run, though I wanted to…

Trigger warning for sexual abuse and assault survivors. A few weeks ago, I started back to online dating. It was the third “date” with one man and I was still feeling ambivalent about where I saw things with him. So prior to said date I messaged him that I was “not ready for more thanContinue reading “Why I didn’t run, though I wanted to…”

Reclaiming Our Bodies

This is how it feels to become disconnected from one’s body during a traumatic event. Many are familiar with the “fight or flight” response. There is also a “freezing” of the body that occurs when one feels death is imminent. Some believe this is a way to not experience pain during death. Survivors are then left to wonderContinue reading “Reclaiming Our Bodies”

Obligatory Sex

Trigger warning for survivors and cosurvivors of sexual abuse or assault. As a physical therapist who works with (mostly) women with pelvic pain and dysfunction, I am reading “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life” by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. Many of my clients either cannot have sex atContinue reading “Obligatory Sex”

Blame

A head game One misstep Begins head trip Where No one wins Beast awakens Blood-thirsty Eyes set on me Whips Chains Self-flagellation Castigation Pronation Loss of vision Flesh ripping Burning Bleeding Conceding Little girl Blamed For sins Upon own flesh By grown men No one wins Where Head trip begins One misstep A head gameContinue reading “Blame”

Escaping My Story

dissociative amnesia is considered a mental illness. for me, I consider it a blessing. For without dissociating sexual trauma, I would have lost my mind. For the very people who were my protectors abused me over many years at an age before I knew my full name, much less how to spell it. for overContinue reading “Escaping My Story”

Trust

In looking over the broken shards Placed in jars, A greater understanding comes over me. It was simple to see where my Lack of trust was born, Oh so early. To have submitted to his seduction and manipulation, Before I could have known what was even happening, nor what he was taking; my sweet innocence.Continue reading “Trust”

Golden Jars Buried in the Sand

Revealed by sands time washed away. Lining the shore are golden-lided jars. Littered beaches in the star’s heart. Riddled with broken memories; past traumas. Filled with sharp shards; broken mirrors. Buried in sand to protect memories. Buried carefully and lovingly through toil. Her hands were bloodied, broken, soiled. Flesh worn thin from the undertaking. TheContinue reading “Golden Jars Buried in the Sand”

Disentangling Body Shame

In being told that I am beautiful, my mind immediately begins to revolt. I then beg off the compliment and internally refute it. Recently I was told I was beautiful by a man I consider to be incredibly attractive. Unable to ignore it anymore, I decided it was high time to look more deeply. In justContinue reading “Disentangling Body Shame”