For the past few weeks my ability to stay asleep at night has been very much hit-or-miss. I have played with varying bedtimes, reducing my overall caffeine intake and screen/TV times at night, while increasing my night time meditation. I’ve also tried dietary changes including increased magnesium intake (through oil and citrate), and even taking Valerian some nights. All with varying effects that were inconsistent, at best as I was still awake most nights at 0300 and unable to shut off my mind even with use of guided meditations. Well, I discovered a connection that has helped to completely change my nighttime waking.
For just over a month, I have been using The Insight Timer App for timed and guided meditations. This week, I stumbled upon a meditation theme of healing guilt & shame that really resonated with me. It was a long meditation, and I identified with many things discussed during it. Afterwards, I felt refreshed and as if a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.
Feeling this relief, I began to notice more feelings of guilt bubbling up. Wanting a shorter meditation, I did a search for “guilt” and about 4 out of 10-12 search results referred to insomnia or sleeplessness in the title, but not guilt. Curious, I listened to several and found that guilt has been the thief in the night, stealing my restful sleep. Honestly, I am still a little surprised by this and yet so grateful to now have this piece of the sleeplessness puzzle solved or at least knowing where to focus my efforts!
Following several meditations, I have been having some of the best sleep I’ve had in several months. If I wake up at 0300-something, I have been playing one of the (many) guided meditations on guilt (sleep specific or not) and find I fall back to sleep before the meditation ends and I stay there until my alarm sounds off in the morning. This is an A-M-A-Z-I-N-G improvement for me!
Over this week, I worked through guilt that I’ve been carrying about my divorce, children, work, finances, relationships, personal needs and life in general. This has also had physical benefits, as I am able to more freely move my head and neck, probably from having many emotional burdens lifted from my shoulders.
I am absolutely astounded as to how much guilt there was and still is. In another meditation about guilt, the speaker talked to how feeling bad (aka guilt) is an expectation. WOW! So guilt is so ingrained that we do not seem to know what it even looks like?! She also spoke to letting go of statements such as “I could have done better at ….” While this statement CAN help us to improve ourselves and our condition, if we perseverate on it (which I find I do, a LOT), it can lead us straight down the halls of guilt.
These meditations have been life changing for me. I feel as if I have unlocked more rooms in my secret vaults; able to see the unconscious drive. For instance, I have noticed how many of my decisions I make based on guilt avoidance instead of doing something because it is the right thing to do in my heart.
Intention sets the tone for our outcomes, with intentions based on fear instead of love, we are setting the stage for more problems than solutions. I’m changing that. This includes feeling bad for how I’m feeling; this just compounds the guilt!
I highly encourage you to take a peek inside at the guilt you may be carrying. If you’ve had a strong emotional response, including resistance, this may be a sign that you need this more than you think.
Namaste & May you Return to a Greater Sense of Peace and Restful Sleep
P.S. The Insight Timer app is free and filled with many amazing meditations to suit your time, and your goals. There are zero agreements between myself and the developers to say these things. Happy Growing!
Trigger warning for sexual abuse and assault survivors.
A few weeks ago, I started back to online dating. It was the third “date” with one man and I was still feeling ambivalent about where I saw things with him. So prior to said date I messaged him that I was “not ready for more than kissing and cuddling.” He said he understood. I believed him.
On said date, there was so much more that occurred. In some ways my body responded and in other ways I shutdown. My mind screamed from within to get out. To leave to run. No, I don’t want this and not with him. Yet parts of me also enjoyed the attention. This seems counterintuitive to many, yes, I understand. It did to me at first as well.
In my state of cognitive dissonance, I was internally frozen. I chose to stay and play along rather than run and risk being completely overwhelmed by him. At least in going along I was able to feel at least a little bit in control. To run I risked being overwhelmed, which I knew from experience would lead me to being frozen and unable to move.
Yes, in the beginning things were enjoyable and I allowed things to go too far. One boundary after another fell and before I knew it I was in my own living hell.
You’d think at my age I’d have this down. You’d think at my level in life I’d not be so naive and trusting. Or maybe these are the things I think. In the end, another layer of my childhood came up this week to be healed. I used this heart meditation to see and love the little girl who was harmed when she tried to fight back, when she tried to run.
The next day, he wrote and wished me a good day. Several hours later I was able to respond and this is what I said:
My day had a rough start, but ended better. I had a tough time with last night… I had hoped we would talk about sex before trying to have it. There was a lot of conflict for me as part of me wanted to stay and part of me didn’t. I wasn’t ready to go as far as we did. I realize this may be hard to understand but sometimes sexual abuse survivors can respond in contradictory ways. For me, it means that I go along with some things I don’t necessarily want to because I’m more afraid of fighting and being hurt than if I just went along. So while part of me was aroused, part of me was also afraid.
He apologized for putting me in that situation. I saw where he might also be suffering on that day, for at least from what he had said beforehand, he saw women in his life suffer at the hands of other men.
Metta to those who have suffered and also to those who caused that suffering. Until survivors and perpetrators of harm can heal their inner conflicts, these things will continue to happen.
All systems seek balance including our inner and outer selves. We often become unbalanced when we suppress the expression of our hidden, or shadow, aspects. This suppression is learned during the process of being raised, as we are taught to deny parts of ourselves to fit into society. We cut ourselves off from our truest expression of self as a sacrifice for the safety of others (imagine society if everyone acted on every urge felt). However, the complete suppression of our shadows creates an imbalance in our lives until we choose to look within and honor these hidden aspects; even if only symbolically. This is the first in a series about returning to a place of balance within by uncovering our hidden and at times golden facets.
Once the match is struck, it creates a flame which results in its own destruction. To create is to destroy. While I have posted about this topic repeatedly, even this week with the Necessity of a Broken Heart, today I have a new perspective to share.
For a new wave to be formed, the old one must crash. To build a new house or road, the land must first be cleared. To create a new thought, we must destroy the old beliefs. To create a new life, we must allow the old life to die. The maiden must die before she becomes a wife. I could list different things all day that follow this cycle and the possibilities are endless, yet to create such a list would destroy the point of this post. (smiling).
We can see these examples of creation coupled with destruction in the external world when we allow ourselves the sight to do so. For instance, when we watch the news we see where the world seems to be caving in on itself. Yet, so few of us see within ourselves how this is merely a reflection of our own inner desires for destruction. When we can allow our inner world to balance these two halves – without shame or judgement – then we can begin to be whole and complete – finding the keys to our true inner peace.
A beautiful wave crests just prior to its destruction, yet the water flows back to the ocean to create a new wave. In the process of creating new shoreline, something else must be destroyed.When we fight our dark urges we give them more strength to control us. However, when we allow ourselves without judgement to have dark and “negative” or culturally unacceptable feelings – instead of blocking them or acting them out – then we can free ourselves from this burden of right or wrong. Accepting that the path of creativity also means that we destroy something, even if only in our minds, or even if only symbolically, then we can free the edges of our psyche to co-exist and we can move beyond duality. Balance is then restored and we come to a place of peace, even if it is briefly held as if “on the head of a pin.”
Some creative ways that we can get our destructive fixes: meditate and walk through our “dark sides,” write a story where everyone dies, paint (destroy the canvas with acrylics), sculpt, Dream and even daydream. These activities diffuse the ticking time-bomb within: when we allow them to be as they are – keys of free expression of our dark sides – we free ourselves and become the whole we are meant to be.
Superheroes Needs Super Villains. The Movie ‘Unbreakable’ is a beautiful explanation of this need for balance.
When we block the destructive side of ourselves it just wells up within. Then we take it out on others through road rage, passive-aggressive behaviors, or maybe even directly abusing others. So much of the world makes sense now from this perspective. Look at all of the examples of “great real life heroes” who commit acts of atrocity.
From this vantage point, we can now see how great societies fell: when their destructive mechanisms outgrew their creative ones. I can now see how many serial killers were also sometimes model citizens. Ted Bundy, for instance, volunteered at a suicide hotline and talked people out of killing themselves. Yet had no problem brutally raping and murdering brunette college-aged women. Now I can understand my own fascination with war, war machines, and serial killers, of all things… This may be scratching the surface of BDSM as well.
This new awareness has shed so much light for me. I now see why I can be so patient and calm with clients and then short-tempered later. If someone cuts me off in traffic I thoroughly enjoy cussing like a sailor as it helps me to release that darker side of me. I have also seen how health care workers and other service providers have the darkest senses of humor. Yes, that absolutely includes me!
So often the greatest artists destroy themselves with their nihilism. To create so beautifully, there is a requisite balance of destruction that must occur. Not understanding this, many artists destroy themselves. Perhaps as more artists embrace their darkness, fewer will die from their self-destructive behaviors. Special thoughts to: Jim Morrison, Heath Ledger, River Phoenix, Jimi Hendrix, Janice Joplin, Van Gogh, Whitney Houston, Kurt Cobain. It is now my belief that mystery schools and societies understand this need for destruction. Many believe Masons are devil worshipers. I never understood this, especially since my grandfather was one. He was one of the kindest & most gregarious men in my life. Perhaps this is why there is so much secrecy about what Masons do: men acting out their need to destroy can be highly misconstrued by the passer-by.
Each of these examples is seeking balance. By telling off-color jokes, cussing at other drivers and, at least mentally, indulging in dark sexual fantasies, I am finding balance in my own ways. This also explains phenomena such as “preacher’s kids.” Now I can even understand why for the past two weeks my children have been acting out so much at school. I had been blocking many of my darker thoughts lately. Now to dive in and free my children from finding the balance I was unwilling to find within.
So please, allow your darkness to express itself within you or at least in ways that allow you to release without harming yourself or others. Finding creative ways to express the need to destroy is a way of creating a controlled burn instead of having wild fires sweep through your life. As I continue to understand this concept better, I will write more.
The light & darkness within me honor the light & darkness within you.
With each aspect of ourselves that we embrace, we activate another dose of grace. When we accept that we are doing our very best, given an awareness of all circumstances, we allow ourselves space to be okay with less than absolute perfection.
Grace feels like warm sunshine beaming down when the ground is frozen all around.
Grace is the cooling breeze when the air feels like a hot blanket dragging you down.
Grace is a sense of fullness when the same situation would normally leave one feeling empty; depleted.
I encourage you to sort through and find ways to give yourself more love. Not band-aids or patches that fall off in a light wind. Be the love you seek in others,fill your cup where you desire it from others.
Ask yourself as many times a day as you can, “what would someone who loves him/herself do?” Then do your best to do it.
So often when faced with too many options, we freeze or run. Learning to follow your heart and your truth helps to unlock greater doses of Grace for you. Love yourself enough to ask “what would love do?”
Grace will soon surround you in its protective and nurturing embrace. With each degree that we love us, the more our cups open to receive this love called Grace. It’s okay to love you, it helps the rest of us when you do.
Take a moment to think back over the last day. If you can, write down a few things that you have repeatedly told yourself about yourself. Is what you are saying to yourself something you would say to a loved one? If it isn’t, let’s talk a little bit more, shall we?
Often as children we were raised by caregivers who tried to motivate us to be better people by “talking down to us.” Harsh judgments were probably doled out more than kisses on tear-stained cheeks.
In our tender youth, we believed what these caregivers told us about ourselves. We believed them. We accepted what they said, and we internalized it. While our caregivers may have passed on or are no longer saying such harsh things to us, we play their voices back in our heads – sometimes we can recall the incidents and the person, sometimes we’ve just carried on the words. So now I ask, how is this serving you to continue this ritual of punishment?
Habits take focus and commitment to change. When we replace one habit with another, it can be easier to change. What words would you use to comfort a friend who has made a mistake? who has had a bad day? who is having difficulty with motivation? who feels sad over a heartbreak? who feels fat?
Negative self-talk creates within our minds and our bodies a war zone. When we attack ourselves we are both the predator and the prey. Our bodies release hormones to help us to survive through “fight, flight or freezing” Blood sugar levels are elevated to supply our bodies’ muscles with fuel to fight or flee. Blood pressure levels increase to supply muscles with oxygen, as such our breathing pace quickens. Our minds become reactive instead of responsive. We most likely become more sensitive to what others say or do.
We are changing our bodies’ chemistry just by the way that we talk to ourselves. The challenge is that in this scenario, where do we go? We cannot escape nor physically battle ourselves. Meanwhile we’re “stewing” in a cocktail of hormones that are ready for war. To change this scenario, we start by recognizing the things we say to ourselves that are harmful. Then we replace those words with new ones that support us and keep us calm. This helps us to think more clearly and also to receive the words of others more openly.
If someone in your present day life is perpetuating this negative self-talk, then you may begin to ask yourself some different questions. Do I stay or do I go? If I cannot go, then how can I shield myself against their negativity? How can I treat myself better, so as to not be as vulnerable?
I urge you to stop repeating history. Stop telling yourself the damaging things that others have said to you about you. Put no more energy into their negativity. Change the tides. Starting now. You cannot control what was said to you so long ago, yet you can control and change what you do with it now.
Recognize the negative self-talk. Replace these words with new, supportive ones. Show yourself the love & compassion you show to others when in pain. Put down the mental whip. Pick yourself up and try again. Rinse & repeat.
The more we push off doing something for “later,” the more we build up a wall that then needs to be broken down. Pressure builds with each moment that we avoid doing something that we know will help us in some way. As such procrastination is also a passive-aggressive way to block love from ourselves.
Sometimes a perspective shift such as in “Motivation Through Punishment?” can be helpful. I find that “should” and “ought”statements build shame and guilt. So when I say to myself things such as “I really should/ought/need to do (this task),” that I often don’t want to even think about it.
What I have found that works better for me is to say, “It will help me to do (this task). I will feel better once I get started.” So often we wait and hold off doing something because we feel we need: more time, more energy, more motivation. Just as we need to push a button or turn the key in our car’s ignition, to “get motivated” we need to start with action. If we waited for the car to start itself, we’d never get anywhere in life.
Another aspect that can cause procrastination involves the belief that what we do needs to be perfect. Even just one tiny step towards starting a project can help break down barriers, allow room for mistakes. It’s better to start a walking program that lasts ten minutes than to couch surf and expect a change.
Sometimes we also tell ourselves, or make ourselves believe, that we must do the entire project at once. Commit to a small time frame instead. “I’ll do 20 minutes a day today and get this thing started,” can take off some of the pressure. After 20 minutes, you can then choose to continue, or you can set a time frame for another day or time, then stick to it!
The longer we wait, the more walls build and then we need to break down. Loving yourself is not just about breaking down walls, it’s also about not allowing yourself to continue to build barriers. So today, and everyday, let’s “lose ourselves” in the moment, you own it, you better never let it go. While I do believe we have more than one chance to get it right (even Eminem in this very song talks about trying again, and again), we only fail ourselves when we fail to try.
So what step can you take today to start a project? Write it down. Make it simple. Then do it! And remember to celebrate climbing the mountain you’ve created. You’ll love yourself more for it.
Namaste
Photo courtesy of suphakit73 at freedigitalphotos.net
Trigger warning for survivors and cosurvivors of sexual abuse or assault.
As a physical therapist who works with (mostly) women with pelvic pain and dysfunction, I am reading “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life” by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.
Many of my clients either cannot have sex at all or at least not without pain. Pain during sex is NOT normal. I don’t give a damn what your GYNs may say. They’re wrong.
So I teach my clients relaxation techniques that are similar to mediation. I teach them how to breathe (so many don’t), how to contract their muscles (many don’t properly) and how to get back in touch with their bodies, literally and figuratively. Many of them are sexual abuse and/or assault survivors.
It helps them when I share that I, too, use to have pain with sex, with pelvic exams and with tampon use. I also often share that I, too, was sexually abused.
I explain to them the anatomy and physiology of arousal. Many are surprised to know that, for the most part, arousal is blocked when we are stressed. Past negative sexual experiences can affect our current sexual experiences as well. Even when we feel safe. Even when we feel love towards our current partners. Even when we want to have sex with them.
So, here I am, reading this book knowing these things and I’m hit with a concept I had never considered. I’ve had sex, more often than I’d care to admit, out of obligation and fear of assault than out of desire. I threw up a little in my mouth with this awareness.
Yes, I just said that. Me. A sexually liberated woman has had sex when she didn’t really want to. And she didn’t fight it because she was more afraid of being raped than she was of being (out of obligation) consenting.
Yeah, Holy (insert explicitive) Cow, Batman! Seems I need a superhero to save me from myself.
I’m counting and only 2:5 men I’ve had sex with were truly consensual on my part. The rest were obligatory. I feared my survival or that they would force me. So I didn’t stop them. That’s not consent.
In having experienced the “freeze response” with the loss of bodily control in the face of imminent danger (think possum), I preferred to allow men to do what they needed without putting on the brakes in fear they would then try to force it.
2:5 only includes men who had sex with me. This does not include those who kissed me when I didn’t want or touched me in ways I didn’t want. So that ratio would look worse if I included men with whom I had sexual encounters that did not end with sex. That’s a more challenging figure to calculate.
Dogs are given to chase if the cat runs. I calculated my risks and determined it was better to not run…for risk of also freezing and losing all control.
I wish I could say never again. This is my hope, of course, and awareness is the first step to change.
So now I go about allowing myself to feel shame so that I can allow myself to forgive myself, thus reducing my likelihood of repeating this pattern. I used the tools I’ve listed below to help me through the tough parts.
This was a huge pill to swallow. Yet I see where I repeated this pattern and where I shamed myself for it afterwards. This has blocked me from being more open and intimate. Now I choose to let it all move through and away from me.
It is my hope that I can pass less shame onto my children with this work that I am doing here. May they never have to experience this, nor be the perpetuation of it either.
“Beautiful” played this morning as I drove to work in tears. It seems to be my attempt at balance in this time of deep and painful introspection while I clear.
After writing this post, I began to feel relief as I recognized that this clearing that I am doing right now is much bigger than me. When I get knocked back this far, I know the energy is not just mine, I am clearing the suffering of generations.
The energy of the full moon is shining light on the weeds in my garden. Since the full moon is in Libra this week it calls for us to find the balance and the truth of our souls, to find balance in our relationships showing where there are any inequalities. Perhaps this is why my work on and off WP continues to focus on my place as a mother.
Present Predicament
“You are the most qualified unique person [to be your children’s mother].” – Becky, a supportive friend on my journey, replies after I asked her rhetorically if motherhood ever gets any easier.
Hot tears like lava quickly race down my cheeks, burning my eyes and my face. I had no ability to stop them. It was time to go, so I climbed back into my Jeep and thanked her while looking down. The tears still flow now as I hear her words echoing in my mind. The opposite of qualified for me at this time is failure. And this past week the feelings of failure rise repeatedly to the surface.
Failure. The word seems fitting and harsh all at once. The places where I feel I am not doing well cast a cloud over where I shine. The places where I have healed and improved my station in life are covered up, drowned by the emotions that pour in as would an epic biblical flood: “epic failure” repeatedly flashes on the screen in my mind. There is no where to hide.
Yes, I know I’m being harsh on myself. Yes, I see where my idealism gets in my way and blocks my light. Here I see where I stand in my own way. Yet glossing over the feelings, covering it with a veneer by telling myself “you are doing the best you can do” just hides the underlying feelings from my view and keeps the truth of how I feel in this very moment hidden from view.
A little perspective of where I find myself
These past few weeks have brought several personal challenges with my work, with several things stacking up and are causing me some grief; all things beyond my control. Add to this a minor medical issue this week, and increased demands on me as a mother with their father being out of town. It is no wonder that this area where I have felt weak for a long time is pressing so hard on me. Add to this my inner work to soften further into femininity and to be less controlled by my inner Animus, it’s no wond I’m seeking relief in the “beautiful” world described by India Arie.
The Landslide Brought Me Down
Right now, in this moment if I could, I would fold. I would close out my losses and my meager winnings and leave the craps table. I feel like the House always wins and that I’m losing the game again and again, hence my repeated feelings of being a failure. Tomorrow is a different day. Tomorrow I’ll ante up and roll the dice again because I choose to live. For now, though, I would love to just crawl into a hole and close out the world. Yet, there is not much relief at this time. I’m a solo mom with some help from my parents. I’m a healthcare practitioner who has clients to take care of.
Widening the Lens
So now I will take a broader view of motherhood in an attempt to gain a better perspective of motherhood and my role as a mother.
The energy of the Divine Feminine for Mother is nurturing. Too much nurturing can be suffocating of life. Not enough nurturing can stifle growth. Almost like over or under watering a plant: neither is good for the roots to take hold. Salts build up around roots that lack water, the roots become desiccated and useless. Too much water around the roots does not allow for enough oxygen to get through: death by asphyxiation. There is a balance that is needed even in nurturing.
Primate Mothers
There is a fantastic PBS Documentary called “Born Wild: First Days of Life” that illustrates the different ways that mothers nurture their progeny across the breadth of the Animal Kingdom (for some it is giving birth and moving along, while other mothers keep their progeny under “their wings” for years). There are some aspects of the father in the documentary, yet most of the examples illustrated are the connections between mother and offspring. It is an amazing and diverse look at life and I can find myself in nearly each example of parenting at different times.
One of the animal groups observed in Born Wild was a type of primate that has a strong social hierarchy. I believe the animals were monkeys and observers noticed an interesting trend. Higher ranking mothers were more confident. They allowed their babies to explore the world more and as a result their offspring were more confident. Mothers who were lower in the social order were more insecure and clutched their babies more, disempowering them and keeping them from exploring. These offspring were less confident and also became more clingy. Amazing it is to see how directly different parenting styles affect the monkey’s offspring. I can see where I have clung to my children in some areas, disempowering and suffocating their creativity and curiosity. Yet I can also see where I have empowered them by trusting them in other ways, allowing them to bloom uninhibited.
20/20 Hindsight
Taking this a step further, I can see where I was disempowered and also empowered by my parents. At some point, it is important for me to acquiesce and allow forgiveness for their trespasses. It was not intentional that they disempowered me, I believe. The areas where they were disempowering reflects their own fears.
I often appeared as a child to be “too much” for them. In those areas I was told to be quiet, to hush, to not express, to “play cool” so that I could fit in. All, I believe, so that I would draw less attention to myself so that I would not get joked or ridiculed. Instead, I find that other children (and adults) find our weaknesses and can exploit them regardless if we try to hide them or not. As a result, I do my best to allow my children to express their interests and allow them to explore them.
Mother as Queen
As a mother, I can rule over my queendom with an air of a dictator, or I can choose to be more mothering and nurturing. Society plays a role in my choices at times, though this is sad to say. I can be more of a dictator in public than when at home. Perhaps this is due in part to the masculine role exerting external control when in public view. I also feel the pressure of onlookers, however I will also say that with each passing day I am switching my focus more and more to the connection I have with my children versus fearing the judgment of others. This is different than how I was raised, so it is a conscious change for me to make and uphold.
Moving Forward and Upward
The challenge so often I find as a mother is discerning when to be firm and when to be warm. Frequently I feel I have it backwards. Working from a view of opposites can make this more of a challenge for me, creating so much of who I am from the film versus the print of my childhood.
Right now, I feel like in the flight of life that I am in a flat spin. A nose dive is easier to recover from, or so it is my understanding. Tonight, I will be climbing back in the cockpit with a new perspective of myself as a mother. Through this writing process, I have released more of the dross holding me back. The albatross of guilt has lost some of her feathers today. Perhaps tonight I will roast her over the fire, for she weighs heavily on my heart. This makes it a challenge for me as a mother to fully live my part.
Onward and upward, I find myself moving again. Thank you for joining me in the journey of going into deeper levels of processing. The softening further into my femininity, softening further into my role; mothering myself and my children.
Much love & Happy Easter to those who celebrate. A time of rebirth and renewal that comes after bloodletting; letting go of that which no longer serves. Once again I can return to my place of bliss. Grace grows again in my heart now that I’m on the return flight.
Late addition: I’m seeing this very differently this evening having gained a new perspective. Perhaps I will share in the days to come. Suffice to say I’m only leaving this here I case it can help someone else in this journey of deeper understanding. ❤️ my sunshine has returned. ☀️
