Touching the Fraility at the Core

https://youtu.be/hPC2Fp7IT7o

The featured image came up Friday on FB’s “on this day” from last year. I reposted it joking I needed it tattooed on my forearm. Then later in the morning, I witnessed the fraility of a woman who is also my toughest client. She casts out barbs and talks down to me as I genty ask her how she had been, as if blaming me for her very condition (or existence). 

Her behavior triggered me. Within the same treatment session, she gave me a quick glimpse of how truly frail she is at her core. Through the looking glass, I began to see my own wounded little girl and how my own behavior has been over the past…

Today during a guided meditation on self-love, I met my most wounded self. Zooming out from the core, I saw how defensive (and evasive) I can continue to be in an effort to protect my wounded self from the world, or is it to protect the world from me? 

~~~~

Expectations unmet

Disappointment breeds discontent 

The wounded girl cries out

Bound and gagged in the darkest dungeon

Yet her cries can still be felt

Pulling on the strings of my heart

Her confusion drives my mind in circles.

Like the rabbit,

In fear I run back to where I started.

To let her lose would bring annihilation

For the wounded girl at the core knows

How to slay perceived enemies 

In one deadly blow, her sword sharpened 

By years of desolation.

Her battle brings imminent death

In an effort to protect her essential core.

Best to be met at the castle gates by 

Boiling tar, poured out like

Molten lava from cast iron cauldrons

Than to breech the gates.

The moat really is there

For your own protection…

Best to heed its warning.

~~~

Bringing light to the ordinary,

The stranger,

The wounded,

And the lovable

Aspects of myself,

Allowing the seams to 

Fold together,

Stitching the patterns with

Threads of golden light,

Once again breathing in sweet unison

Repeated until the next undoing,

Giving the girl what she really seeks and

Needs: love and attention without any

Conditions. Acceptance brings her 

The light she needs

To see the walls of the dungeon

Only ever existed in her imagination….

“Meditation Studio” is the app I used today. The meditation was “self-love.” While I liked the meditation, I don’t like how the statements seem to ask for permission (i.e. May I be happy). So I changed the affirmations to present tense. This is what I did, instead:

  • I am happy.
  • I am healthy.
  • I am at peace.

Namaste’

Image: Google 

being okay ~ with not being okay

the pain is in the resistance. we block our own paths to freedom when we resist the reality of now. pushing away the emotions, stuffing them down, brushing them under the rug and running away (by staying constantly busy), we blind ourselves to our truths ~ and the very path to our independence from suffering.

one of my biggest weight loss secrets is learning to love myself. the next one is that when i became angry at my fat, instead of wishing it away, i imagined myself being surrounded by the fat. immersing myself in the very things i did not like about myself, being okay with the parts of myself i was NOT okay with, i was able to see the path to freedom from suffering: acceptance.

regardless of what we don’t want to feel: lonely, forgotten, abandoned, rejected, indebted, unhappy, angry, afraid, sad or even horny-as-hell, the more we push away the things we do not want to feel, the more these energies align and build seemingly against us and our wishes. just as a child throwing a temper tantrum longs for our attention and love, these aspects of ourselves long for our attention and acceptance. when we deny any aspect of ourselves, we are abandoning ourselves…

often the only path is through the valley of the shadows of death. if we can see the shadows for what they are, the absence of light, then and only then can we be free from the fear of them.by going into the valley and shining the light of our truth on the things that we fear, we can be free of these fears.

namaste

image: google

 

Revealing the Truth 3:4

Ripping – removing the flesh

must release the death

of the woman inside.

trapped in her own carcass

take her to the prespice 

where rotten thoughts 

and skin are shed.

the flesh now at her feet

leaves her replete.

before she was but 

an empty shell

of a woman. 

sometimes

growth can 

look like

death.

Fear is Your Friend, Really!

Bear with me for just a hot minute on this one. I promise I have not completely gone off of the deep end! 

A great deal of the work I have done on this site and in my life the past year plus has been about facing my fears and sharing my journey in the hopes of helping others to do the same through Alchemy – whether I have always called it that or not.  For several weeks (maybe months), I have had a desire to write about how facing my fears has lead me repeatedly in the direction of greater and greater freedoms. When I allow fear to become my GPS it has lead me in the direction of where I need to run towards, not from. Today, in researching an answer to a fellow blogger, I read how Carl Jung advocated the same here and decided it was high time to talk about this very (sometimes scary) thing.

Fat Protects

A year ago, I weighed 10-15 pounds more than I do now, even though I was more physically active – running/walking 12-15 miles/week (some weeks now I’m lucky to get 2 miles in). I believe now that my weight represented for me where I was holding onto fears and felt I needed protection. Fat, after all, is an insulator. Insulators protect by separating one media from another. My fat was my way to set a physical boundary between myself and others. Also, what better way to keep from getting closer to someone physically than to have a few extra layers around my middle?

As I have increasingly faced my fears by allowing them to exist, I have released them and my weight has fallen off without effort on my part to diet nor to exercise more. Allowing myself to feel what I am feeling has freed me. Allowing myself to love the parts of me that have felt broken, miserable and angry as fu*k, has resulted in my turning less and less to food for comfort.

My fears control me less today than they ever have before because I followed them into the abyss. I pulled up the taproots of fears I identified in my garden. If we continually run away from the weeds, they overtake us and control us.  Just as any living thing needs maintenance, I must maintain my garden and learn how to differentiate the weeds from the flowers, fruits and vegetables.

My body is a physical representation (mirror) of what is happening for me mentally and spiritually. When I learned to no longer fear my fat nor my fears themselves, allowing them to be, I was able to shed my weight, my need for protection as well as my fears.

Carl Jung & Alchemy

Carl Jung, the psychoanalyst, began to recognize through his work with his clients that Alchemists were not referring to physical lead and gold, instead they were referring to emotional lead and gold. The lead represents our shadows, our fears, our unconscious drivers. Gold refers to what we receive when we face those shadows, for me that is spelled freedom.

While I have studied and practiced emotional alchemy for several years now, it was only today that I became astutely aware that Jung used these same principles to help his clients to heal. He told them that they needed to move into the direction of their fears to be able to be freed from them! This validates so much of what I have both been living and writing about. I had no idea (or maybe not so clearly) that so much of Jung’s work was in using Alchemy.

Listening to Fears

Growth and expansion are a continual process of self-awareness and introspection. There are places I still fear to go. However, what I am learning is that fears that are not faced are continually brought up again and again. Do I answer the calls of my fears when they gently tap me on the shoulder, or do I wait until they are screaming in my face and spilling from my eyes, crippling me in my tracks? The Universe escalates the call when I ignore it.

So I ask myself today and everyday, what do I need to face today? Far better to clean up my fears in my strength than when I cannot walk and facing the fear is the only thing I can do to overcome the paralysis of my prison.

The Universe “can only show you the door. You must choose to walk through it,” just as Morpheus says to Neo in The Matrix.

“Wake up! Because what you reap is what you sow!” ~ Zach de la Rocha

When we unconsciously plant seeds of fear and continue to nurture them by staying in fear, we create a garden of: FEAR! By facing our fears, we can choose more wisely to plant, nurture and harvest the seeds in life that we do wish to blossom. So which pill will it be, Neo: the blue one or the red one?

Do you want to nurture the status quo (blue) or do you want to stop the fears and stay in Wonderland forever, exploring more rabbit holes (red)?

Follow your fears!

Image: Google

 

Perspective: It’s Everything

When I look at life as magical and miraculous, I see magic at every turn. Yet, when all I feel is despair, then I find myself disconnecting – creating the very thing I believe. How I perceive means everything; it can make me, it can break me. Truly. Sadly. Happily. You name it, I create it.

Just this past Friday I found myself in the grips of despair. After I removed the distraction of WordPress, the loneliness that I had been evading (quite creatively; thinking I was doing well by myself, nonetheless), became oppressive.

Interestingly, swimming is a powerful visualization for me when I am in physical or emotional pain. It seems that with my recent descent into the Abyss, being in a submarine offered too much protection and this time, I found myself skin diving through the River Styx, a river I have greatly dreaded conquering.

 

Zero: A New Birth

Careless
The whispers
in my ears roaring the things I don’t want to hear

Speechless
The lost words
of how the river of Styx feels on my toes

Breathless
The air
Raped from my lungs when pushed in from above

Bottomless
The pit of despair
What brought me here? No air: who fucking cares?

Emotionless
The pain consuming all
Deeply felt until the nothing permeates & penetrates

Apathy
The absolute resolution
The darkness fills my heart: full dissolution

Weightless
The armor
No longer needed; no thing to protect anyway (hearing echoes of “who fucking cares?”)

Amorphous
The lack of container
Flowing just as the river, until becoming it; everything

Effortless
The movement
As I flow from here to there, every where yet no where, every thing yet no thing

Less than zero
The complete submission
Freedom rings, a return to air

A new Zero
The rebirth
Toes dipping into the River Styx, until next time when I feel lost again

Once I reemerge from this river, there is no longer a sense of loneliness. I feel complete again. In fact, my “need” for a romantic relationship is shed. In swimming through the river Styx, I shed another layer of the part of me that felt lonely; incomplete.

It can sound scary to swim through the River Styx, yet my faith that I am protected allows me to repeatedly swim when it feels I cannot breathe. While I do not view myself as a Christian, in the last 8 or so years, I have begun to see some scripture in a different light. Perspective, once again, can make things so different in my life.

The 23rd Psalm, in particular, holds great power for me. I recite it, as well as other powerful verses, Ho’Oponopono and Reiki when I find myself in any sort of jam. Tom Kenyon, co-author of The Magdalen Manuscript: The Alchemies of Horus and the Sex Magic of Isis, offers a new perspective of this Psalm. After hearing his explanation of the alterations that include the Divine Feminine, I was blown away. Throughout my work, I often refer to Psalm 23 as it helps me so frequently.

According to Kenyon, this Psalm has connections to the Hermetic system in Egypt. [if you would like to listen to his words, you will need to go to his site, click the agreement to his copyright terms, then scroll way down to the bottom and you will see two links to the 23rd Psalm to either download or listen. One is the Alchemical Decoding and the other is a voice recording, an interesting experience]

23rd Psalm
“Mantra of Protection”

The Lord is my shepherd,
     Your celestial soul protects you
I shall not want.
     when in connection with your celestial soul, you are not in lack.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures,
     life situations that are nourishing
She restoreth my soul.
     through being still & connecting with the still quiet voice within
He preparest a table in the midst of mine enemies.
     we are abundant and given what we need, in spite  inner and outer enemies; ourselves 
She anointed my head with oil,
     refers to connection with our higher centers (Ureaus) 
my cup runneth over.
     the blessings overflow
Even though I walk through the valley of the Shadows of The Death,
     the old world is dying; daily our cells also die – we live amongst both death and life
I shall fear No Evil,
     there is nothing to fear when we are connected
For Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
     references to the Egyptian Ascension process which offer protection through ascension
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.
     when we are connected to our higher aspects, we receive grace
And I shall dwell in the house of The Lord, Forevermore.
     you are in the house of your own celestial soul
Amen.
    so be it

~~~

It is my hope that after reading this, you may find a new perspective of this Psalm, so often read at funerals and associated with death. Yet, for me it offers so many keys to living.

Interesting to note that in my opening statement I refer to the magic of life. Today, after I observed an Osprey flying overhead (connections to Hermes, The Egyptian symbol of the Soul), that I was offered a bottle of water by a local church during my morning run/walk. Attached to the bottle was a scripture. It was Psalm 23:2 “He maketh me to lie down in green pastures, He leadeth me beside still waters.” I could have refused the offering, yet I heard Buddha’s teaching to receive what is offered from others. I could have also received 1 of 9 other scriptures, yet I received this one, which also reflects my journey of respite from WP as well as my swim through the River Styx.

Later in the day I was out and about, waiting for some work to be done on my Jeep. The TV in the lounge was showing the Michigan State vs Purdue game. After I sat down, laptop open, the score was tied at 23 to 23. This lasted for the better part of a minute. I wish I could make this shit up. While I wanted to sit down and work on many other pieces, I was clearly being lead to work on this piece about Psalm 23, IMHO.

Perhaps it is my belief in the magic of life that brings me these hints and messages: perspective!

Author’s note: 23 is a very powerful number for me. I was born on the 23rd of the month, my grandmother’s birthday. My BFF was born on the 23rd of January. I also love prime numbers, they represent for me the bit of beauty found in being indivisible; the asymmetry and imbalance. They are “imperfect” and I fucking love them for it.

Namaste

The Song of the Sea

Gonna rise up turning mistakes into gold.

Gonna rise up and find my direction magnetically…

Rise by Eddie Vedder

It’s no wonder I must descend into the murky depths for my soul to heal.

When I feel, I feel with each and every fiber of my being; down to the core.

My passion, when I fully allow it, runs rampantly;

a fire wildly coursing through my body.

~~

I needed the depths of the abyss to suffocate

the fire that threatened to me burn down to my subatomics.

In descending into unconsciousness, I was at a loss for words.

Words are not the void’s means of  expression;

instead feelings and images, pain & suffering.

~~

the abyss was the wet blanket I needed,

for my passion was threatening to consume me;

deeply burning from inside out.

the water helped me to avoid over-consumption; burning up to nothing.

in ascending, my fire is more maintainable, less overwhelming.

~~

the treasures are new sight, renewed freedom and a greater sense of peace.

while i was down, i knew it was not forever, i was loved and protected,

being told repeatedly “tomorrow this time, you will be ok”

the still quite voice reminded me, over and over, again and again.

even in the throes of my darkest pain and suffering, i new i would be reborn.

~~

the pain, the suffering, the blindness were all springboards

to a new level of being: happiness with less pain and with greater clarity of vision.

no longer bound by my self-induced prison.

~~

the dark night of the soul, I can now say,

has brought to me brightness in a new way.

my spring has sprung, now ready to face a new day.

~~

i thought i needed a knight, of the darkness or the light

to save me, yet here I am shown again and again,

I am the hero in my own story.

I am the knight, both dark and light.

~~

the daughter of a seemingly absent King Neptune

who magically bestows everything in its Divine time,

who really truly is always there for me, if I but ask nicely.

~~

a lady of the water,

who knows how to breathe, while holding her breath.

knowing that under the water, there is life,

even when walking through the valley of the shadows of death.

~~

the song of the sea; the right song for me

learning to live life more and more authentically.

singing with my voice fully opened,

free to be me; the song of the sea

~~

now i see why she has called to me,

no wonder inland I could not live: I am of the Sea.

now learning to forgive my trespasses

and those who have trespassed against me.

~~~~

Namaste

__/|\__ Ananda & Metta

2016.02.29

Lady of the Water: Keys to Address

As I start to live more and more in my power, I can set why I have feared this.

Where I am going can be filled with great loneliness. 

Rising up from the Abyss has given me great clarity.

For the man who can hold my hand, walking next to me will need a great Will and vast strength. 

A Warrior in his own right.

~~~

In looking at my reflection in the still, living waters,

I see behind me a man who like me has endured great suffering.

Much like the hero in Unbreakable, he has survived what would have killed a mere mortal. 

Yet unlike Unbreakable, water might be a terrible weakness if I am to be your only mistress.

~~

I am a King’s daughter, a Lady of the Water. 

My water runs deeply, supporting and yet sometimes runs too fiercely. 

If you cannot swim in dark emotions, 

then this place by my side may not be yours for the taking, 

For often I stand where the waves are breaking.

~~

It seems the seas I ride are either calm or tsunami level. 

Serene and crystal blue I can bring to you. This is always my goal. 

Yet to get to the Caribbean, sometimes we must pass through the Sargasso Sea, the doldrums of the Horse Latitudes where excess weight is jettisoned. 

Watch closely in the Bernuda Triangle, it can swallow ships whole. 

~~

When I tac, I don’t change direction lightly. 

Wear a life vest, gain your sea legs. 

This vessel goes to great depths, 

You might want to practice holding your breath.

sometimes I dive with little to no warning. 

to trust the deep waters can be a difficult thing in learning.

~~

While I can be life sustaining, 

heed warnings that I can also suffocating and flooding as I learn to modulate my new found energy.

For me, this can be overwhelming,

as I never know where the waters will take me.

~~

Though mostly earth energy, 

so many of my aspects are mutable, 

changeable and ruled by Mercury. 

Quicksilver a metal that is liquid at room temp. 

Communicative, and quick-witted so I won’t put up with too much of your shit without dishing it back, on a silver platter of course.

Heavy and dense this is where I live. 

Metal, yet a liquid, it moves with free will.

~~

So I ask you, do you think you could handle all this?

If you do, I can promise sweet bliss, 

just know it won’t always be as easy as this.

For mine is the path less traveled, unmapped, sometimes seemingly unnavigable. 

Be the ship’s pilot whose faith is beyond the compass, 

outside of your intuition the North Star is the best source for seeking direction. 

For I have a strong feeling that most of the travel may not be in the light, 

instead we may often find ourselves traveling under the cover of night.

~~

If this description fits you, I’ll love it when you call refer to me as “Milady”

~~

Water Category: Depth Finder

Namaste

__/|\__ Ananda & Metta

2016.02.29

Image: Dreamstime

Mission: A Singing Heart

Today, my mission is to do things that make my heart sing.

When I am happy, it is contagious.

When I do things that make my heart sing, I can help others to do the same.

Paying it forward, today.

Won’t you please join me?

Let’s make this world a better fucking place!

another treasure from the abyss: the desire for true bliss!

When each person’s candle that is lit, we each begin to see more clearly.
~Tiffanybeingfree

Namaste
__/|\__ Ananda & Metta

2016.02.26

Image: Pinterest (credit not given)

Treasures from the Abyss

Last night at this hour, I was near the bottom of my murky descent.
It seems that I had a lot to clear while the weather was so turbulent.

Diving deeply, breathing labored.
Eyes swollen, crying ugly.

As I slept, I gained some ascent.
By morning, still some sadness overhanging.

Deep in meditation, I received guidance.
“Love the parts, completely, that irritate you.”

After grounding myself, and connecting with the Heavens,
I dropped down into my heart’s caverns.

I felt the love of my children, my babies,
I allowed it to expand outwardly.

Imaging the love engulfing, consuming,
completely filling the parts that were irritating.

My ascent was almost nearing the ending.
But some sadness still lingered.

While at work, a patient, the most irritating probably ever,
sat before me, seething, searing and glaring at me.

I began to wrap love ’round parts that wanted to spit mean words.
Reluctantly at first, I wrapped that love around her.

Her countenance did change, it did improve.
But only enough for me to finish my groove.

She was still rather unpleasant to the front office.
The buried treasure I unearthed kept me from some of her vengeance.

~~~

Another gem: for each ounce of sadness I surrendered into
yesterday and today, I have gained back in happiness.
The biggest challenge is letting go of the resistance; the part
that doesn’t want to feel. “You’ve got to feel it to heal it!”

~~~

A gem that was shared with me after my meditation tonight,
“You gotta love the suck!,” my interpretation: getting through
the suck helps us to pull up from the muck.
If you can’t love it, at least allow it to be what it is: sucky.

Namaste
__/|\__ Metta
2016.02.25

Image: Google

 

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