loving ourselves to be free
When we push away the feelings we don’t want to feel, the resisted feelings only grow stronger. It is in breathing through and allowing ourselves to feel (not necessarily act out) our feelings that allows them to move through us. It is gen that we can choose differently; to move forward. Letting go happens when we allow, not when we push things away.
May we each allow a new voice from within ourselves its space, so we may move forward with a greater sense of grace.
Namaste
(C) 2017 Tiffany Cara
The song Lateralus by Tool sings to the depths of my soul. Not only is Maynard James Keenan a lyrical and musical genius (see YouTube, below), he also captures in a very simple and meaningful way the process of spiritual birth and growth in this one, very beautiful and poetic song.
From the “black and white” conscience of unawakened duality to a budding awareness where one begins to see in colors and from a broader more spiritual and accepting perspective, MJK covers all bases eloquently. From overthinking and the separation of the body from the mind, to using One’s intuition while spiraling and reaching out into new realms and dimensions; opening to infinite possibilities. MJK encourages us to reach outside the box. Pretty effing amazing in my humble opinion.
Halfway through the song, Maynard’s lyrics encourage us to feel the rhythm, be connected and fathom the beauty. To me, this speaks to our need to find our own individual voices: to follow whatever will bewilder and inspire us.
If we cannot speak with our own voices then we are not being true to ourselves nor to any other human being. Embrace your divinity & still be a human. Find your voice and speak it. Sing it, be it.
So here I raise a toast to each of us to “spiral out, keep going & push the envelope, watch it bend.” So be it!
Many thanks to MJK for his willingness to follow his voice, spiral out and share both his humanity and divinity with us.
Namaste’
Images: Google
This week, when I was feeling rather down, I needed to get myself out of the dumps. The work I do does not permit me to stay down. So I started singing again. I imagined myself onstage as I sang the pain of my heart out. It was quite a performance. When the song faded, I started it again. After about 3-4 doses I began to feel alive again. After about 4-5 doses, I felt electrified.
This may not be the right song for you, however, since then when I’ve been feeling blue, I jack up the radio and open up my lungs, heart and throat while I sing. I know it must look like a funny thing to other drivers. I laugh at the thoughts they must be thinking…and just keep singing.
So I encourage you to let the spectrum in. And “say my name” 😉
Image: google
The wound is the place where the Light enters you.
~Rumi
Original draft 8.7.2016
Beautifully Scarred
While at a poetry reading in late July, I penned four completely different poems pointed in four directions that were all felt and written within 30 minutes from start to finish. From heavy, to light, to introspective, to fun, the variances gave me insight into how fantastically diverse the inner landscape of my being can be (that’s a nice way to say effing crazy). I can choose to see these aspects of myself as scars, or as important aspects displaying my character.
The 4 poems: Sacred, The Sherpa, Revealing the Truth, Sunbleached
Frida Kahlo
In the midst of accepting my “diverse inner landscape,” I watched the movie Frida for the first time. I was amazed as to the fierce tenderness of the work and life of Frida Kahlo. For those who love the edges, I found this a very fitting movie and now have a greater appreciation both for Frida as a person and as an artist.
Her husband, Diego Rivera, was quite the Cassanova. His ex-wife in the movie explains he is a chick magnet because he sees the beauty in the flaws of the women he is wooing (no, she didn’t say chick magnet).
In the movie, and I suppose also in real life, Frida was nervous about him seeing her physical scars. Instead of shying away from them, Diego kisses one of her most prominent scars passionately and lovingly. If she was not already lost to him, she probably was at that point.
Frida reminded me that the wounds are what give us our character and our drive to push forward and excel. Her wounds were the well from which she drew her passion and inspiration to paint. Diego says to Frida about painting, “You don’t paint because you want to, you paint because you have to.” And this, my friends, is how I feel about writing.
Feel the edge
So often in life and even with my work, I feel the edges. I do my best to capture them in writing. In some ways I’m still hiding, as much of the acid I keep off scene, preferring to “deal with it” and neutralize it so as to avoid contaminating the lot. Yet Frida poured it all out for visual scrutiny. A synopsis of her work is found here in my absolute favorite quote of the movie (it took many rewinds to capture):
I want to speak about Frida not as her husband, but as an artist. Her work is acid & tender, hard as steel and fine as a butterfly’s wing. Lovable as a smile & cruel as the bitterness of life. I don’t believe that ever before has a woman put such agonized poetry on canvas. ~Diego Rivera as quoted in the movie Frida
Disliking our wounds leaves us vulnerable
Diego saw Frida for all that she was… No wonder their relationship kept her going back to him, in spite of his seemingly constant philandering. He appreciated and loved her scars.
Yet, I now see how the wounds that inspired her paintings were the very things that left her prey. Perhaps if she had loved her scars, she would have waited for the man who would have both loved her scars and respected her wishes for loyalty (her words in the movie, not a judgment of mine).
Self-Love leaves us whole
From all of this I draw from the well that loving the very aspects of ourselves that scare us can motivate our art. Self-love also helps us to attract better partners who we seek not to fix our wounds, but who appreciate them with us as parts of our character. To attract this kind of love, however, we must first love the many aspects of ourselves – wounds and all – first.
It’s my new understanding that relationships are not about 1+1=2. Instead it’s a multiplication factor. Each person being whole makes for 1×1=1. Either partner entering into a relationship as less than whole weakens the relationship… and gives it character.
Image: Frida from Google, painting “Broken Column”
You don’t know how much strength you have, until your last choice is to be strong.
-Johnny Depp
Song of the Sea is an animated film that received an Oscar Nomination. It is a beautiful story about a young girl and her older brother who must find their own strengths to save their family and others. The young girl, Saoirse, must find her voice and sing her song. Her brother, Ben, must face his fears of the water (emotions) and dive in to save his sister, supporting her on her journey.
Part of Ben’s journey is to rescue his sister from an Owl woman who turns people and faeries into stone by bottling up their feelings in jars. When Saoirse finds her voice, her song breaks open the jars, releasing the emotions and reanimating the people and faeries. By activating her own voice, she is able to help others in their healing process.
The stylistic animation, story and soundtrack blend beautifully in this film with strong spiritual and mythic themes of the Celts.
I highly recommend this film for children and adults, alike. The official trailer is very Americanized and Disney-like, so the beauty of the movie is not reflected fully in the trailer.
The studio also created “The Secret of Kells,” which was evident even to my 8 year old daughter, another worthwhile allegory that involves the facing of personal and actual fears that could otherwise paralyze us. Here is a link to a post that covers both films.
Currently, Amazon Prime offers both films to members as part of membership benefits.
2015.09.15
For those who have been following my journey, you can easily see the many reasons why I would have found strong resonance with this film. The bulk of this post I wrote in September, and in clearing out old drafts have rediscovered at a time where I am embracing my own voice, breaking open the jars I have buried in the sand (something I saw in a meditation about 8 years ago). Love it when the Universe speaks so clearly!
Namaste
__/}\__ Ananda & Metta
Gonna rise up turning mistakes into gold.
Gonna rise up and find my direction magnetically…
Rise by Eddie Vedder
It’s no wonder I must descend into the murky depths for my soul to heal.
When I feel, I feel with each and every fiber of my being; down to the core.
My passion, when I fully allow it, runs rampantly;
a fire wildly coursing through my body.
~~
I needed the depths of the abyss to suffocate
the fire that threatened to me burn down to my subatomics.
In descending into unconsciousness, I was at a loss for words.
Words are not the void’s means of expression;
instead feelings and images, pain & suffering.
~~
the abyss was the wet blanket I needed,
for my passion was threatening to consume me;
deeply burning from inside out.
the water helped me to avoid over-consumption; burning up to nothing.
in ascending, my fire is more maintainable, less overwhelming.
~~
the treasures are new sight, renewed freedom and a greater sense of peace.
while i was down, i knew it was not forever, i was loved and protected,
being told repeatedly “tomorrow this time, you will be ok”
the still quite voice reminded me, over and over, again and again.
even in the throes of my darkest pain and suffering, i new i would be reborn.
~~
the pain, the suffering, the blindness were all springboards
to a new level of being: happiness with less pain and with greater clarity of vision.
no longer bound by my self-induced prison.
~~
the dark night of the soul, I can now say,
has brought to me brightness in a new way.
my spring has sprung, now ready to face a new day.
~~
i thought i needed a knight, of the darkness or the light
to save me, yet here I am shown again and again,
I am the hero in my own story.
I am the knight, both dark and light.
~~
the daughter of a seemingly absent King Neptune
who magically bestows everything in its Divine time,
who really truly is always there for me, if I but ask nicely.
~~
a lady of the water,
who knows how to breathe, while holding her breath.
knowing that under the water, there is life,
even when walking through the valley of the shadows of death.
~~
the song of the sea; the right song for me
learning to live life more and more authentically.
singing with my voice fully opened,
free to be me; the song of the sea
~~
now i see why she has called to me,
no wonder inland I could not live: I am of the Sea.
now learning to forgive my trespasses
and those who have trespassed against me.
~~~~
Namaste
__/|\__ Ananda & Metta
2016.02.29
Boticelli’s “The Birth of Venus”
This week, I had the most beautiful experience in a group meditation. The chanting we were doing was to help us to raise our vibrations, The Kundalini, or life force, prior to receiving a Oneness Blessing.
It was a long day, and though still quite energized, I almost begged off attending the meditation. The drive was 30 minutes; in the “wrong” direction from my home.
As I followed the directions on the navigation app, each turn brought a greater opening in my crown. I have never felt such energy moving through this area, inside or outside of meditation. I could feel the energy radiating outward from the parietals. My third eye hummed silently. I knew this was where I needed to be.
With a late start, I sat, almost already in trance as people softly exchanged words. It was hard to keep my eyes open. After flying on high energy earlier in the day, I knew I needed to come back down for the meditation to be effective.
Soon the chanting began and I listened with envy to the long held chants, directed to the root chakra (the energy of belonging; the right to exist). I struggled to hold the tones longer, as my voice faded and crumbled more and more quickly than the chant before.
I pulled up on my pelvic floor muscles in an attempt to squeeze out another ounce of breath. My voice was immediately silenced, my mouth open, no sound could be emitted. Symbolic of my silent screams & pleas. I was humbled, most definitely.
This, I thought inwardly, was my history of denying my right to be. This was my history of blunting my voice, holding myself back – in all ways.
With the next series of chants, directed to the sacral chakra (the energy of desire; the right to want), I chanted alongside of the others; this time, more surrendered, more relaxed. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, sinking into my seat, into my flesh and into the moment.
After several iteriations of the sanskrit word, Svadhistana, I began to hear one voice rising above the others. “What a beautiful voice,” I thought to myself, “what lovely harmonics. Maybe one day I can myself do that.” I was grateful for the clear, unwavering strength of the voice.
With my eyes closed, I knew not whose it was. Appreciating the beauty and clarity of the voice, I began to feel a rumbling in my body. When I could feel the resonance vibrating in my toes, my sinuses and nose, I realized with certainty, “Holy Fuck! That is me!” It almost broke my attention to the meditation, but I remained steady.
It was then that I felt an ancient wisdom, a knowing; it was showing me how to breathe, how to hold the tip of my tongue firmly, yet gently without forcing, to the roof of my mouth. In my sweet surrender, my pelvic and thoracic diaphragms were more relaxed – and alive at the same time, moving in harmony.
Beginning the chant with my mouth open, tongue moving, then gently closing my lips, barely together during the long held “mmmmm,” I was able to extend the sounds longer, sometimes longer than the one leading the chanting. (whose voice was becoming harder to hear).
Basking in the glow of this beauty for the next 5 chakras, I kept seeing images of the green heart chakra. It would later that evening become part of my next post: Heart Meditations to Heal Thyself.
After the chanting, and the Blessing Givers blessing themselves, (hear the words, “Healer, Heal Thyself”), each of the 5 blessing givers took turns gently touching the crowns, and then the area of the parietals of each attendee; blessing each of us with a greater sense of peace and calming, to help to silence the “monkey mind.”
We then performed a guided meditation to spread the love, connection and healing; moving further and further outwards from our own selves as our centers, and then outwards in ever increasing arcs like the Golden Spiral: to the room, to the region, to the planet, the galaxy, the Universe. [Soundtrack: Lateralus: “spiral out, keep going.”]
Following this amazing experience, one of the blessing givers, a man whom I had never met, made a Bee-Line for me. “When I touched your crown,” he said, “I received a great healing. I’ve never experienced anything like it before.” I thanked him immensely for sharing. And he replied, “No, thank you! You healed me!”
It was not until later that I remembered, that as he touched my head, I was rather excited to have him be the last blessing giver. He was the balance of the previous 4 female blessing givers. I was grateful for his presence as he gently touched me. In my gratitude, I helped him to heal as he helped to heal me.
With all of the work I have done here on WP, I never realized how deeply it has been helping me to heal myself my voice, and to accept my desires. I have conquered (through surrender) demons that blocked me from my desire, my right to be here, my right to express myself, my right to feel and to love…and be loved.
This meditation showed me how much I have done, by surrendering my judgments and shame, in just a short month.
This morning as I walked out to my Jeep, there was a greater appreciation of beauty in the sound of the birds singing. As I drove by, the light glistened off of the lake with a great clarity. “Yes, today I am a new woman,” I thought to myself as I drove to work.
I am so grateful to you for reading this. I hope that you may take something from this that helps you in your journey.
~~~
There was great synchronicity in seeing one of the new comers from the meditation today at work! I thought she looked familiar at the blessing; she works on the same hospital campus. I had hesitated to post this, and when I saw her I knew I needed to share!
Namaste
Alohaleya had a similar and beautiful experience this week, please check her post out.
For more information on Chakras, see http://iarp.org/chakra-basics/
