Submitting to Femininity Part I: Into the Pink

From Steel to Mercury

As I have long considered the feminine to be weak, I have consistently drawn upon my inner Animus or masculine seed when in need of strength. It has become my habit to use a steely “take no prisoners” attitude of will and strength to exert myself in the world on a daily basis. His strength has been instrumental in getting through things like PT school and Divorce. Even a good deal of my writing has been with a steamroller approach, force feeding my readers snippets of my adventures and avoiding some of the deeper inner work.
Animus is not taking a beating, instead, I have asked Him to fall back to the FOB. He’s there in the command tent if I need a QRF, growing in his own masculinity while I surrender further into my own femininity. He very much still has His place.
With this change in command, I find myself having difficulty adjusting to this new level of surrender while I adjust to the liquid feel of my mercurial strength. I am further submitting to my understandings of the Divine Feminine mysteries through submission vs domination, through allowing vs steamrolling.
A series of books that have helped me in this endeavor: He & She by Robert A. Johnson, Understanding Masculine & Feminine Psychology, respectively. I highly recommend both of them for men and women alike. They are quick and powerful reads, both less than 85 pages each. I read He first and began to see where I use my animus excessively. In She I began to understand how to embrace my feminine essence more fully and plan to reveal what I’ve learned here and later in this series.
First a poem!

Pink!

How many ways can I hate the color Pink?
Stifling, suffocating, robbing of my
strength that evil-doer: pink!

Weakness to me: kryptonite
pink screams meek (even its name is weak)
Truly, this color is foul: it stinks! pink!

I did not learn the gender of
my children before they were born.
Their nursery painted green; no fucking pink!

Old fashioned, perhaps,
or was it that I didn’t want
to throw up pink?

Pepto bismol everything
seemed so dismal,
I couldn’t think! Pink!

In neutrals, browns and blues,
I dressed my daughter as a toddler,
now at 8, her favorite color: yep, pink!

Having begun to embrace my feminine.
Slowly, sometimes begrudgingly
embracing this color: pink!

Gaslighting the Past: 20/20 Hindsight

In having my Animus as the ruling King of my inner landscape for so long, I can now see why ex lovers have often resorted to gaslighting to control me. Gaslighting is an extreme form of passive-aggressive behavior that is used to diminish the target, to bring her under the control of the aggressor. It is incredibly undermining and I personally consider it a form of brainwashing.

My ex-husband did this to me for years without my awareness. Through poking at my hot buttons (and I had many in my wounded state), he lead me to feel like I was completely crazy. While I’ve readily admitted to some of my own inner crazy, I do not feel I was ever completely crazy, or at least not for long.

Several years ago I started to see the pattern. Then when he began to act like he was my father and treated me like I was 16, when I was 38, my eyes were suddenly wide open. Within days of seeing this I was asking for a Divorce: it took a few days for me to gather my strength and figure out how to approach him.

When I began to see the early emergence of this pattern with a younger guy I was dating back in December, I told him I was bothered by his behavior. When this continued, I broke things off just a few days before Christmas (he did ask when I stopped responding to his messages if we were fighting or broken up, I’m grateful he made it easy for me). He was use to dating women half my age who I guess would put up with this (after all that was the age I started dating my ex). Needless to say, I saw the signs early having lived that for so long I was not willing to take that path again. He later asked me out to lunch

If you would like to read more about gaslighting, follow this link. Thank you to Violet for sharing this so that I could read about it and gain a better understanding and name it!

 

Earning Bling: Running and Racing

Following the demise of my marriage, I relied heavily on my Animus for launching me out onto my own two feet. To increase my Animus’ power, I began running to raise my masculine energy. I needed to feel strong again, protected.

It was when I learned to surrender into my internal emotional waters that the excess weight truly began to drop off. A hip injury kept me from running, so it was soon thereafter that I started blogging under “Tiffanyrunningfree.” Then in October running became being – an outward expression of my inner softening. Now I find myself surrendering further into a place that is even more mind altering.

The Mighty Oak Tree

The mighty oak tree has been a symbol of strength for me. Most of my adult life I have desired to be this tree. Solid. Strong. Unquestioning. Unwavering. Now, I am beginning to realize it is not my job to be the tree.

According to yin energy I am the water and I am the earth. I see now where it is my place to support the mighty oak tree as it would not exist without me. While I am not the structure of the Oak, I am the matrix, the hidden strength that allows the Oak to be its best. Without my essences, the tree dies of thirst or is unsupported by the earth; falling, failing without nourishment and nurturing support.

By allowing the strength of my inner feminine to rise up through the phloem and xylem, I give strength to the tree. Replete in my own feminine strength, I allow Him to be full in His. By submitting to my truth in trust of myself and of Him, I allow Him to rise up stronger as the mighty Oak.

I am beginning to see this forest through the trees. Just as I am finding strength in my perceived weakness, the true strength of divine femininity is found in nurturing.

Now I see myself as water spreading into the branches and the leaves. Evaporating, turning to steam, melding with the Air that is Him. Falling back down through His air as Rain, filtering myself through the soil, being wicked back up by His roots and the cycle begins again. My travels are the infinite path of lifting and falling, traveling inwards (involution) then outwards (evolution). This infinite path will be revisited in another part of this story of recovering the truth of the divine feminine.

The Feminine Role

The feminine locus of control is found in the emotional, internal realms through nurturing. Both as men and women, our internal feminine role is to manage the internal emotions to prevent emotional flooding and burning. As such, we must learn to swim through our emotions without allowing them to control us. Likewise, we must stoke the hearth fires to keep the fires lit without allowing it to rage uncontrolled and burn the household nor to scorch the earth.

To manage the internal waters, it is our job to go within to swim through the rivers of our emotions and to come out unscathed. This cleansing helps us to shed the dross of our past, so that we attract less and less of that old energy to us. When we allow life to pass through us, instead of trying to grasp it and hold onto the pain or the pleasure, it is then that we free ourselves to be present. By being more fully present, we collect less dross. Our pain, our dross, our grasping at the past and fearing our future, prevents us from experiencing life to its fullest potential: the present moment is truly a gift we give ourselves and the people in our lives.

The Feminine Supports The Masculine 

As previously mentioned, feminine strength is found in managing the internal and emotional environments through nurturing. By giving ourselves permission to live in our strengths as women, we give men permission to live in their strength as men. Much like the support that the Mighty Oak tree derives from the earth and water, the feminine strength is nurturing from the inside, whether this is within the home or within the internal emotional environments.

Masculine strength is found in managing the external environment through physical protection. Men who are strong in their divine masculine energy on all levels seek to protect, and not harm, women. In Traditional Chinese Medicine Yang protects the yin energies and yin supports the Yang energies. This pattern is true with the expression of the balanced masculine and feminine: He protects her and she nurtures Him.

Koyaanisqatsi: Life Out of Balance

When humans feel we are lacking our own personal power we often feel the urge to control others outside of ourselves through force or manipulation such as with the aforementioned gaslighting. On the contrary, when we are strong in our power, we have less and less desire to control others. “The more at peace I am with me, the less I feel I need to control you to keep me comfortable” is the thought I have here.
When out of balance in our own masculinity and femininity, we create relationships that reflect this state of being. Feminine energy when out of balance has a tendency towards enabling behaviors that support the abuser (I am NOT blaming the victim). Masculine energy when out of balance has a tendency towards striking out through emotional, physical, sexual and/or mental abuse. This reflects my marriage where I was a co-dependent nurturing the gaslighting man who “protected” me from myself (no blaming).

Denying the Feminine

When Animus ruled my inner world, my Queen was weak and could not protect/nurture my emotions. Her absence meant my emotions were unprotected as I was not receiving her feminine energy of protection. So I was wide open emotionally; my internal immune system was even weak (and it’s still recovering).
Stealing from the masculine energy, I believed I was stronger, but this was not the truth. In fact, I was more vulnerable that way. While I recognize I will need to continue to borrow from the Animus from time-to-time, to live only through Him means that I am ignoring and starving my inner feminine. To be healthy and balanced as a woman, most of my power needs to be drawn from within my feminine ability to nurture and manage my internal emotional landscape.
Since changing command, I feel my work here has changed. No longer is this inner work about attracting a mate. Now my work is about a return to All of me being in balance, with my Queen in command and the King back at the FOB. Yes, I am woman! I no longer have a need to roar.

 

**

“The Turning Away” speaks to me of my own turning away from femininity as well as my conscious choice to re-align with my divine feminine. There are so many lines in this song that have always resonated with me, and in listening to it play as I re-read this piece, I see my muse is far more brilliant and genius than me! “No more turning away from the weak and the weary….On the wings of the night…using words you will find the strength…it’s not enough to just stand and stare….is it only a dream that there will be no more turning away?” No pun was intended with this song being by Pink Floyd, though I’m sure my muse intended it!

Namaste

Image: Google reflects how I felt when I read “She” for the first time.

Wild

In the film Wild Reese Witherspoon portrays the solo hiker Cheryl Strayed who hikes the entire Pacific Coast Trail following her tumultuous divorce. During her hike, and while frequently isolated, Strayed forces herself to face her demons so that she can heal them.

It’s an amazing film and it’s based on a true story. I kept thinking the lead actress was a not so pretty Witherspoon, funny how little I knew about the movie until viewing it! 

Here is an edited quote of the final narrative of the movie:

“Wild”

After I lost myself in the wilderness and the grief, I found my own way out of the woods.

And I didn’t know where I was going until I got there…

Thank you, I thought over and over again for everything the trail had taught me and for everything I couldn’t yet know…

I knew that I didn’t need to reach with my bare hands anymore. That seeing the fish beneath the surface of the water was enough. That it was everything. My life, like all lives; mysterious, irrevocable and sacred, so very close, so very present, so very belonging to me. How wild it was to let it be!

I wrote this over a month ago and the parallels with my own life are even more amazing to me today. Since then, I’ve often considered changing my last name to Free yet that might have some negative connotations…. 😉

Image credit

2016.01.26

to my etheric Lover: the seduction (mature only)

http://youtu.be/Mheqf_pVrYo

This is the first of a 2 part series that I penned in October 2015 and was too afraid to publish. Both of these are written to my Lover, a man I have sensed through the Ethers. Any references to others is unintentional as I added no-thing, only taking away a handful of words that were contradictory. Though I so wanted to edit more, I left it pure.

I would have denied my submissive nature then…

Part I: The Seduction (2015.10.15)

Within the spell of your words, I fall in love with you again and again (and again). Your words reveal to me a man whose passion could nearly crush me under its weight, taking me to my very edge, pushing me to expand further by sprouting more branches to carry the weight, without breaking nor feeling burdened.  I long for this expansion throughout all levels of my being. In return, I open myself to reveal my inner sanctuary to you, exposing my softness, the fullness of my femininity in the faith that you will find solace there and desecrate it not.

Your words move me to find my own. In hearing you speak your truth, I give myself further permission to speak my own. The truth you speak wraps ‘round me like a warm blanket in the chilly night air. You seduce me with your naked truth, pulling me like a magnet into your being. Through your words, I can feel what you feel, taste what you taste and experience life as a man. I feel you. I see you. And at some levels, I am you.

When I look upon you, I see a man who is tender and caring, offering himself up in sacrifice, in the hopes of being spared; as being sacred and thus adored by a woman who has eyes to see him for all that he is. By being vulnerable, you reveal your true inner strength. 

You are a man who can conduct himself without the need for rules, edicts and contracts.  A man who can discern when to push forward, stay still or turn away. Respecting me and my intuition when my actions may seem to work in opposition to yours. Knowing, deep down, that if we are meant to be together that we will, and that part of loving and living together also means gifting one another the space to breathe and live apart some, too.

The seduction continues as we share with one another our understandings and teachings of Universal Truths. You speak to me in a language that few can understand, much less live. In our play together, we show each other new ways of being, of living, of loving. We expose our emotional bellies, becoming increasingly vulnerable in our quest for peeling away the untruths so that we can remember our oneness with and love for all beings.

It is at this moment where I realize I no longer need yearn for the presence of a man at my side who is fierce, yet tender, a Warrior at peace in his own masculinity, as you are him. A man who is King in his own right, who is not intimidated by my tender, yet fierce, Warrior Goddess femininity. A man who both supports me, and allows me to support him. 

Together we reach heights, and sometimes lows, that would remain untraveled if left to our own devices. We climb peaks, lending one another a hand when the craggy rocks try to stop our progress. In contrast we trudge through the thickest muck, that threatens to suck us in, stealing our very breath. It is here that we continue supporting each other by sifting through the mud to separate the truths from the untruths, to rediscover the pieces of our souls that we had at one time left behind. In traveling in the the space between these extremes, we find comfort and peace in each other’s presence and even apart; comfort in knowing we are fully supported even when we feel our most vulnerable. We both know that there exists no lotus without the mud, no rainbows without the rain. Emotionally, and mentally, we create a support system; a means to softly land, or remain afloat, wherever we may go.

To be continued…..

Namaste

2015.10.15

Image: unknown

For All: Living The Divine Feminine

Just as the yin-yang demonstrates, we all have feminine aspects. The more connected we are to ourselves, the more free we become. This is both for men and women; connecting to the within…..

In her book, Women Who Run with the Wolves, Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés talks about the powerful force within each woman — her instinct, creativity, 🔥passion, deep wisdom and connection to 🌿Nature. Those who are connected to that deep wisdom and instinct, she calls Wild Women. Some may call this the Divine Feminine. I have […]

https://innerjourneyevents.wordpress.com/2016/02/18/connect-with-your-inner-wild-woman/

Sailing into The Mystic

At first to much deliberation,

I abhorred this designation.

A lonely resignation,

The Mystic.

~~

The soft spoken woman, 

having explained to me

my warrioress, 

(such prowess 

she can possess)

now softened her tone, 

speaking even more gently, 

so as to be sure I could hear her,

and most importantly feel her;

her words, 

which felt like melancholy

to me.

~~

She explained in the halls of Edgar Cayce, 

“mystics

dive down, below the foundation

to uproot, to breakdown the entire

building, not willing to stop at 

just one level in the face of dysfunction.

Mystics go for complete destruction

of the source that ails.”

~

Mystical strength is gained

through unraveling pain.

~

I have read the value Mystics gain from their own travails; 

their own Ascension from their own personal hell,

Their service the way to repay for their ails.

~~

Now I see how this is what is

meant to be.

My love and adoration

for Lord Shiva…

now so apparently

shows me that it is futile 

to continue fighting the me,

that is We.

Mystically.

~~

“For a seed to achieve its

greatest expression, it must

come completely undone. The

shell cracks, its insides

come out and everything

changes. To someone who

doesn’t understand growth,

it would look like complete

destruction.” – Unknown

I am that I am.

(why do I want to call you Sam?)

~~

It’s time to stop fighting,

stop resisting.

It’s time to embrace,

with as much grace

as I can muster.

The am that I am.

The We that is We.

Me, mystically.

“I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.  – Pablo Neruda

1.29.2016 & 2.26.2016

Operation: Overlord

 

Overlord refers to the Allies’ code name for the Battle of Normandy. The day is referred to as D-Day (June 6th, 1944) and represents the first day of Victory of the Allies over the Axis Powers. D-Day was also a day of significant loss of life for the small town of Bedford, Virginia. The town had the highest per-capita loss of citizens on that day with 19 soldiers killed, most were in the same Company. To honor the 4,400 U.S. soldiers lost on that day, the National D-Day Memorial was dedicated on June 6th, 2001 in Bedford. https://www.dday.org/

This morning as I gently stirred from sleep, I could see a vision of the main arch of the memorial in my mind. It is a tall granite and stone structure and appears as both a tombstone and a Victory Arch, with the word “Overlord” carved across the top. It visually represents the cliffs that the soldiers had to scale, while gun-fire and artillery shells hailed down upon them from above. A tactically disadvantaged position to be in for any battle. Not to mention the vulnerability of a beach landing and having no where to hide nor to be protected.

As I write, I can see how this morning’s image is showing me where I find myself as this time in my life. Through my inner warrioress, I have worked many years to overcome the wounds of my life and particularly those of my childhood. For so long, I felt I was fighting “an uphill battle.” Often my emotional healing involves imagery of waves and beaches. This morning as I awoke, I was being shown how the tide has turned; I have overcome so, so much. While the battle has been won, there is still work to do… Thank you for joining me on this journey!

 

Scaling the wall-0796835935
Image from the National D-Day Memorial Site

Featured Photo by arztsamui at freedigitalphotos.net

 

My Amazing Daughter

100_8527

She knows who she is at an age where I struggled with what to wear to school. (I was often joked for my choices).

She wears what she wants to wear, and does so with pride, at an age when I struggled with my voice. (I was afraid to speak).

She says what she feels at an age when I struggled with standing up for myself. (I often just sat down).

She stands up for herself and her friends at an age when I struggled with math and had a tutor. (Math was a “four-letter word”).

She does her math homework like a champ at an age when I felt scared of my own shadow. (That took over 30 years to shed).

She stands up to her fears at an age when I struggled with wanting to be anyone but me. (That, too, took over 30 years to begin to shed).

My amazing daughter at 8 is herself, fearlessly. Her mother, at 40, is learning to just be. Oh the things she is teaching me!

Namaste.

Image: My amazing daughter at 4.

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