Permission to Feel

Today, I give myself permission to feel what is real for me
right now, right here in this moment, even if it is fleeting.
Suppressing the feelings just keeps me “in it.”
Denying the pain, pushing it away, causes persistence.

Seeing where I want to be and only focusing on the goal
keeps the anger, the fears & the things that keep me
from being truly free inside of me.
Pushing them down to the bottom of my cup,
only keeps them & me stuck.

Allowing the feelings, giving them permission to be
grants them access to egress and move about freely.
Once fully given permission & expressed, they leave me.
The Agape of God may then fully ingress
and fill my cup with the things I need to be more free.

Feeling it seems like irony…
yet this is a path to The Kingdom.

image: google

 

Pillar

feet dug into the shifting sands

waves crash around me

ahowing me my strength

salt spray stings my face

standing still, present

it’s time to be fully in this place

of acceptance

this, yes this, is where I am.

gaining ground in the

shifting sands

seeing my place is

to just be

doing no-thing.

allowing the waves to ebb

and flow without judgment.

in faith, knowing that I am

right where I am to be.

there is truly nothing to fear here

for those who know how to see

image: google

My Backyard: The Chesapeake Bay

If you look closely, you will see a man and his dog “in the middle of the water.” The Chesapeake Bay is filled with sand bars and natural jetties. In fact, container ships require Chesapeake Bay Pilots to help them navigate the shallow waters of the Chesapeake (Chess-A-Peak) Bay.

CB_Jenny&Man

Man & his dog on a sandbar in the Lynnhaven River

The Chesapeake Bay is the largest estuary in the contiguous United States. Legend has it that when Jamestown was founded (on the aptly named James River, a major tributary of the Chesapeake Bay), settlers could see their anchors at the bottom, much like the Caribbean. However, agricultural run off, “gray run off” from paved Earth and excessive Oyster harvesting have made the Bay’s waters murky. The most clear the water is now, it seems, is in the winter months and that stops after just a few inches.

CB_OysterReef

Oyster Reef on the Lynnhaven River

Even with its present conditions, the Bay is a beauty to behold. I was reminded of this last week when I chaperoned a field trip with my daughter to release oyster babies that she and her classmates (really, her teacher) nursed in the Lynnhaven River. As Oyster Reefs help to keep the bay clean, many local classrooms work with The Chesapeake Bay Foundation & The Lynnhaven River Now Project to help restore the Bay. On the trip, I learned that the population of the filter feeders is just 1% of historically known levels.

CB_Oysters

Raised Oysters, their permanent home within walking distance of where they were raised

DDT has also negatively impacted the Bay. It was banned commercially in the 1980’s. At that time there were virtually no Osprey, Bald Eagles or Brown Pelicans. Now it rare to not see Osprey or Brown Pelicans on an outing in the summer months. Bald Eagles continue to be somewhat rare to spot, however, with each passing year I see more and more.

Dolphins also spend time in the brackish waters of the Bay. While on our boating trip outside of the Lynnhaven Inlet, we spotted a large pod of them. You’ll just need to trust me on that one! They were too far away for the camera to capture… Though, look! Here is a sting ray  that was caught in the drag net we used to capture fish. Croaker, Spot and a Chesapeake Bay Blue Crab (the tastiest crabs in the world, IMHO) were also netted. All captured creatures were returned to their home in the Bay.

CB_Ray

The Ray kept us from capturing many fish.

CB_Raybarb

The Ray’s stinger/barb

Later, more crabs were retrieved from the crab pots. All were Sallies and Sooks. You can see the orange sponge-like material in several of their abdomens, these are their eggs.

CB_CrabPot

The students were taught how to hold the crabs without getting pinched.

CB_BlueCrab&Zoe

Appropriate image for my daughter, a Cancer…

The Pirate Blackbeard use to hide his ships in these waters, as the tall pines would camouflage his tall masts, allowing him to surprise merchant vessels. A sister city celebrates the Blackbeard Festival annually. Ironically, this same city was where his trial and hanging occurred. We saw this interesting vessel while in Broad Bay, reminiscent of Blackbeard’s legacy.

CB_PirateShip

It was an interesting and informative trip for me and it was a beautiful day to be on the Bay. The day before was filled with squalls & the next day with heavy bands of rain from the remnants of a tropical storm.

It was nice to connect with my daughter and learn new things while enjoying the Bay and the beauty of the day. It was a good reminder to enjoy life as it comes, you never know what tomorrow will bring and yesterday is already gone. At times during the trip I was overcome with emotions of joy and gratitude. Damn, I miss boating!

CB_BrockCenter

The Brock Center. New Headquarters for The Chesapeake Bay Foundation.

 

CB_BrockPorch

The Deck at The Brock Center

CB_LynnhavenRiver

The Lynnhaven River

Perspective: It’s Everything

When I look at life as magical and miraculous, I see magic at every turn. Yet, when all I feel is despair, then I find myself disconnecting – creating the very thing I believe. How I perceive means everything; it can make me, it can break me. Truly. Sadly. Happily. You name it, I create it.

Just this past Friday I found myself in the grips of despair. After I removed the distraction of WordPress, the loneliness that I had been evading (quite creatively; thinking I was doing well by myself, nonetheless), became oppressive.

Interestingly, swimming is a powerful visualization for me when I am in physical or emotional pain. It seems that with my recent descent into the Abyss, being in a submarine offered too much protection and this time, I found myself skin diving through the River Styx, a river I have greatly dreaded conquering.

 

Zero: A New Birth

Careless
The whispers
in my ears roaring the things I don’t want to hear

Speechless
The lost words
of how the river of Styx feels on my toes

Breathless
The air
Raped from my lungs when pushed in from above

Bottomless
The pit of despair
What brought me here? No air: who fucking cares?

Emotionless
The pain consuming all
Deeply felt until the nothing permeates & penetrates

Apathy
The absolute resolution
The darkness fills my heart: full dissolution

Weightless
The armor
No longer needed; no thing to protect anyway (hearing echoes of “who fucking cares?”)

Amorphous
The lack of container
Flowing just as the river, until becoming it; everything

Effortless
The movement
As I flow from here to there, every where yet no where, every thing yet no thing

Less than zero
The complete submission
Freedom rings, a return to air

A new Zero
The rebirth
Toes dipping into the River Styx, until next time when I feel lost again

Once I reemerge from this river, there is no longer a sense of loneliness. I feel complete again. In fact, my “need” for a romantic relationship is shed. In swimming through the river Styx, I shed another layer of the part of me that felt lonely; incomplete.

It can sound scary to swim through the River Styx, yet my faith that I am protected allows me to repeatedly swim when it feels I cannot breathe. While I do not view myself as a Christian, in the last 8 or so years, I have begun to see some scripture in a different light. Perspective, once again, can make things so different in my life.

The 23rd Psalm, in particular, holds great power for me. I recite it, as well as other powerful verses, Ho’Oponopono and Reiki when I find myself in any sort of jam. Tom Kenyon, co-author of The Magdalen Manuscript: The Alchemies of Horus and the Sex Magic of Isis, offers a new perspective of this Psalm. After hearing his explanation of the alterations that include the Divine Feminine, I was blown away. Throughout my work, I often refer to Psalm 23 as it helps me so frequently.

According to Kenyon, this Psalm has connections to the Hermetic system in Egypt. [if you would like to listen to his words, you will need to go to his site, click the agreement to his copyright terms, then scroll way down to the bottom and you will see two links to the 23rd Psalm to either download or listen. One is the Alchemical Decoding and the other is a voice recording, an interesting experience]

23rd Psalm
“Mantra of Protection”

The Lord is my shepherd,
     Your celestial soul protects you
I shall not want.
     when in connection with your celestial soul, you are not in lack.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures,
     life situations that are nourishing
She restoreth my soul.
     through being still & connecting with the still quiet voice within
He preparest a table in the midst of mine enemies.
     we are abundant and given what we need, in spite  inner and outer enemies; ourselves 
She anointed my head with oil,
     refers to connection with our higher centers (Ureaus) 
my cup runneth over.
     the blessings overflow
Even though I walk through the valley of the Shadows of The Death,
     the old world is dying; daily our cells also die – we live amongst both death and life
I shall fear No Evil,
     there is nothing to fear when we are connected
For Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
     references to the Egyptian Ascension process which offer protection through ascension
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.
     when we are connected to our higher aspects, we receive grace
And I shall dwell in the house of The Lord, Forevermore.
     you are in the house of your own celestial soul
Amen.
    so be it

~~~

It is my hope that after reading this, you may find a new perspective of this Psalm, so often read at funerals and associated with death. Yet, for me it offers so many keys to living.

Interesting to note that in my opening statement I refer to the magic of life. Today, after I observed an Osprey flying overhead (connections to Hermes, The Egyptian symbol of the Soul), that I was offered a bottle of water by a local church during my morning run/walk. Attached to the bottle was a scripture. It was Psalm 23:2 “He maketh me to lie down in green pastures, He leadeth me beside still waters.” I could have refused the offering, yet I heard Buddha’s teaching to receive what is offered from others. I could have also received 1 of 9 other scriptures, yet I received this one, which also reflects my journey of respite from WP as well as my swim through the River Styx.

Later in the day I was out and about, waiting for some work to be done on my Jeep. The TV in the lounge was showing the Michigan State vs Purdue game. After I sat down, laptop open, the score was tied at 23 to 23. This lasted for the better part of a minute. I wish I could make this shit up. While I wanted to sit down and work on many other pieces, I was clearly being lead to work on this piece about Psalm 23, IMHO.

Perhaps it is my belief in the magic of life that brings me these hints and messages: perspective!

Author’s note: 23 is a very powerful number for me. I was born on the 23rd of the month, my grandmother’s birthday. My BFF was born on the 23rd of January. I also love prime numbers, they represent for me the bit of beauty found in being indivisible; the asymmetry and imbalance. They are “imperfect” and I fucking love them for it.

Namaste

Boundless, Releasing the Albatross

To the ones who stifled my cries,

told me lies

about myself,

to limit me,

to control me,

manipulating

my emotions,

to keep me

in your bed,

or from hurting

your head with

my brilliance.

I say to you,

Stand Down!

~~

This Lady

is

now

bound-

less.

~~

I can see

where my

strength

and power

frightened you.

~~

Trust me,

it has

frightened

me, too.

~~

We were

both weak,

but you saw

my inner strength.

~~

To keep me

at your level,

or to bring me

down, as it were,

you shot at me

until I fell

down,

down,

down.

~~

You could have

easily leveled

up. Rising up,

on a wind,

instead,

you chose

to sink like

a stone.

~~

In our

connection,

I chose to

stay with you,

in the hopes

I could raise

you (and me)

back up.

You became

my Albatross.

~~

Now I see

that if you

want to be

with me,

you’ll need

to soar,

as does the Osprey;

the Phoenix

of the water.

Diving down,

bravely

into the waters

to capture

its next meal,

the bird of air

then rises up,

shakes off her wings

and flies.

~~

Want to see me again?

And not just

my underbelly?

Then rise up,

my friend.

To the top of

the Aeries,

take off

and take

flight.

Soar.

~~

BE

the

you

that

you

are

here

to

be.

Let me,

be the

me,

I am

here to be.

~~

Otherwise,

eh, goodbye!

~~

Another poem written over a month ago. I only changed one word to Lady. 😉
Again reinforcing my strong connection to water, the layers are even amazing for me to see.

Namaste.

2016.01.14

Image: Google

Song of the Sea: The Film

You don’t know how much strength you have, until your last choice is to be strong.
-Johnny Depp

Song of the Sea is an animated film that received an Oscar Nomination. It is a beautiful story about a young girl and her older brother who must find their own strengths to save their family and others. The young girl, Saoirse, must find her voice and sing her song. Her brother, Ben, must face his fears of the water (emotions) and dive in to save his sister, supporting her on her journey.

Part of Ben’s journey is to rescue his sister from an Owl woman who turns people and faeries into stone by bottling up their feelings in jars. When Saoirse finds her voice, her song breaks open the jars, releasing the emotions and reanimating the people and faeries. By activating her own voice, she is able to help others in their healing process.

The stylistic animation, story and soundtrack blend beautifully in this film with strong spiritual and mythic themes of the Celts.

I highly recommend this film for children and adults, alike. The official trailer is very Americanized and Disney-like, so the beauty of the movie is not reflected fully in the trailer.

The studio also created “The Secret of Kells,” which was evident even to my 8 year old daughter, another worthwhile allegory that involves the facing of personal and actual fears that could otherwise paralyze us. Here is a link to a post that covers both films.

Currently, Amazon Prime offers both films to members as part of membership benefits.

2015.09.15

For those who have been following my journey, you can easily see the many reasons why I would have found strong resonance with this film. The bulk of this post I wrote in September, and in clearing out old drafts have rediscovered at a time where I am embracing my own voice, breaking open the jars I have buried in the sand (something I saw in a meditation about 8 years ago). Love it when the Universe speaks so clearly!

Namaste
__/}\__ Ananda & Metta

 

The Song of the Sea

Gonna rise up turning mistakes into gold.

Gonna rise up and find my direction magnetically…

Rise by Eddie Vedder

It’s no wonder I must descend into the murky depths for my soul to heal.

When I feel, I feel with each and every fiber of my being; down to the core.

My passion, when I fully allow it, runs rampantly;

a fire wildly coursing through my body.

~~

I needed the depths of the abyss to suffocate

the fire that threatened to me burn down to my subatomics.

In descending into unconsciousness, I was at a loss for words.

Words are not the void’s means of  expression;

instead feelings and images, pain & suffering.

~~

the abyss was the wet blanket I needed,

for my passion was threatening to consume me;

deeply burning from inside out.

the water helped me to avoid over-consumption; burning up to nothing.

in ascending, my fire is more maintainable, less overwhelming.

~~

the treasures are new sight, renewed freedom and a greater sense of peace.

while i was down, i knew it was not forever, i was loved and protected,

being told repeatedly “tomorrow this time, you will be ok”

the still quite voice reminded me, over and over, again and again.

even in the throes of my darkest pain and suffering, i new i would be reborn.

~~

the pain, the suffering, the blindness were all springboards

to a new level of being: happiness with less pain and with greater clarity of vision.

no longer bound by my self-induced prison.

~~

the dark night of the soul, I can now say,

has brought to me brightness in a new way.

my spring has sprung, now ready to face a new day.

~~

i thought i needed a knight, of the darkness or the light

to save me, yet here I am shown again and again,

I am the hero in my own story.

I am the knight, both dark and light.

~~

the daughter of a seemingly absent King Neptune

who magically bestows everything in its Divine time,

who really truly is always there for me, if I but ask nicely.

~~

a lady of the water,

who knows how to breathe, while holding her breath.

knowing that under the water, there is life,

even when walking through the valley of the shadows of death.

~~

the song of the sea; the right song for me

learning to live life more and more authentically.

singing with my voice fully opened,

free to be me; the song of the sea

~~

now i see why she has called to me,

no wonder inland I could not live: I am of the Sea.

now learning to forgive my trespasses

and those who have trespassed against me.

~~~~

Namaste

__/|\__ Ananda & Metta

2016.02.29