Stopping the Insanity of Dating

At a young age, I fell in love with the concept of love. I believed that to be in love with a man meant that all of my problems would go away. The knight in shining armor was a frequent fantasy of mine, though, he was rarely wearing armor in my mind. Ironically, it turns out that in reality the men I’ve been romantically involved with have had armor that was hidden, just below the surface. And so did I. 

When I decided that I wanted to end my marriage nearly 3 years ago, I believed that I would seamlessly walk out of his arms and into the arms of the “man of my dreams.” It’s great for me that this did NOT happen. For starters, I’d not have created this blog (today is my 2-year anniversary blogging, by the way!). Secondly, I would have just made the same damn mistakes that I made in my marriage; because I still hadn’t learned to love and respect myself. Thirdly, I would never have discovered that the love that I have been seeking all along has always been in my own heart. Finally, I never would have trusted in my own love. I did not believe that my love was enough, so I sought it in others.

I see now where I was running around, panhandling for love, seeking to put a few coins into my mostly empty cup. To seek that love and meeting of needs from someone else has only left me feeling disappointed, resentful, hurt and depleted. It is also crazy-making to seek from others something they can never truly give if they themselves feel broken or inadequate. Broken hearts only create more broken hearts. Hurt people hurt people.

So at 41, I’ve decided that I’m done with having a broken heart. I’ve decided that I’m over sorting through potential dating partners through on-line dating, or searching faces in a crowd for “him.” I’ve decided that I don’t want to waste any more of my life looking for something “out there” that is really within me. Only I can love myself the way that I need to be loved. Only I truly know my own needs enough to meet them fully.

The path to this decision has been tumultuous, unsteady and at times damn right frustrating. Now that I am here, I have a sense of peace and release that I have never experienced before. This decision has freed me to be myself more than ever before. This decision to stop dating, to stop beseeching, to stop putting myself in situations where I put my heart, and sometimes sanity, on the line has lead me to a new discovery; the well of my heart runs more deeply than I ever could have imagined.

While I still believe that there exists a “man of my dreams” and that I will meet him one day, it is imperative that until then, that I fill my own cup. If he is truly the man of my dreams, he is learning to do the same for himself.

Cheers to filling our own cups! Cheers to filling our own hearts with the very things we seek from others: Love and Acceptance. May we each find the peace and love within that we deserve, no longer only seeking it from others.

Namaste

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Multiple Choice Dating

decades ago I learned in SAT prep classes that the best way to figure out the answer to a question you don’t immediately know the answer to is to eliminate the ones you know are wrong. I would get excited to eliminate the wrong ones because I knew I was getting closer to the right ones.

so now I’m seeing where this also fits with dating…

This morning i wrote a post out of anger. I’ve since withdrawn it, there was too much anger. This is what came up for me at lunch while I was sitting outside enjoying the sun, the flowers and light breeze following a great meditation.

So here I am, happy to be back in my own skin again.

The Lunch Meeting

He asked me quite innocently,

“Do you want to meet

for lunch sometime?”

Through my mind,

images immediately began to flash;

the way he treated me

in the first month like a Queen.

It was quite lovely.

I thought I was in love.

The trouble with thinking…

~~~

Then somehow magically,

after 4 weeks, the tide turned

quite drastically.

Then he began treating me

as if I were a child;

a doctor of physical therapy?!

He said things that told me he didn’t

feel I knew how to take care of myself.

Wanting to record pictures of my mess,

bacon grease all over the floor,

after I made him a delicious breakfast.

Free to laugh, yet never to

Give any accolade for my

Creative use of baking soda to

Soak up the mess,

Leaving nare a trace.

~~~

After much teasing about

Every-thing

My driving,

my method of texting, even

Then of cooking,

Speaking, thinking

And processing.

I asked him to stop teasing

so much,

it was not pleasing

to my tender heart.

~~~

And what about the

time he moved

in for a kiss,

I reciprocated,

Then he made me miss

When he turned his head

away…oh, in public, too?!

I wanted to feed him

My shoe…

~~

Then, it was funny, he said.

when I shared being upset that

I missed running,

over something quite silly.

I reminded him to back off.

He enjoyed my misery, he said,

So instead driving the knife deeper

into my heart.

To the cold steel hilt.

~~~

Still not sure if he wasn’t

Listening. Or maybe he

Just didn’t care.

No matter,

I had already packed up

My heart; I was out of there!

~~~

I could see through.

Just as he crushed sexy models

mentally, saying they were ugly,

Or even worse, fat!

Just so they would give to him

their bodies

as if to prove

that they were indeed beautiful;

fuck worthy.

~~~

He was trying to crush me,

too, under the weight of his

heavy scrutiny.

“No more games,” he said.

“I promise to be honest with you,” he said.

But he was overcome

by his need to control the very

thing that he found attractive:

my beautiful, free spirit.

~~~

But I saw through,

because his behavior,

was so reminiscent of how I

decided I no longer wanted to be

married.

~~~

Misread I was, by him

even with my story of

7 hellish months of celibacy.

Unwilling to return to the

bed of separation,

because of the indignation

cast down upon me.

Instead choosing to take

care of business…

with my own hands.

Domination in the bed

doth not translate into

control of my head.

~~~

So, no. (taking a breath).

I do not want to meet you for lunch.

Attention Seeking Part I

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It is unceremoniously and without much ado that I share with you my desire for having consistent and continuous male attention. On the surface the attention is physical. Yet it is my deeper desire to be desired by a man who finds me spiritually and intellectually attractive, not just sexually or physically.

After feeling that this post was complete and scheduling its release, I found the following quotes on the blog by Desirable Love, they summarize “my deeper desire.”

It’s easy to take off your clothes and have sex; people do it all the time, but opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, and dreams… that’s being naked.
~ Excerpt from Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections between Sexuality and Spirituality, written by Rob Bell

If you can’t get naked, you’ll never know love.
~Desirable Love

This male quest seems elusive. Dating sites bring more weeds than fruit, where so many seek FWB, D2F and those who just want to message and sext. Bars and clubs bring drunken escapades, the risk of STDs and the potential for unwanted sexual encounters. Intellectual, emotional and spiritual needs remain unmet in most of these cases, as well.

So I wear my comfortable clothes, rarely flaunting my figure or physical assets. There’s so much more to me than the physical, yet that seems to be the hook.

Alone in my desires, I often feel despair: it is a lonely place to be most of the time when I allow myself to dwell there. In the silent times I query, are my standards too high? Do I seek for love in the wrong places? Am I just not ready for this, though I long to be?

It can be a challenge to see others so content in their relationships. Yes, it appears that I am indeed “peanut butter and jealous.”Deep down I know this comparison only brings me misery, yet it can be a trip that is a challenge to avoid, particularly around the holidays.

Once I realize that I want to be free of this desire for attention and the jealousy of couples, I sit in stillness. Inside myself, I light a candle. It is the flame of knowledge that what I seek is already present within me. I fill my cup with the validation and love that I seek for externally.

Taking my lesson a step further, I find within the places where I have blocked love. I find places where I invalidate and loathe myself. Filling the open wounds with validation and love, I see again where I have within, that which I seek externally.

In the next part of this series, The Fairy Tale of Storybook Romance: Seeking Attention Part II, I explore another level of awareness related to my desire for male attention. In Part III I ask, How bad is it, really? Attention Seeking Part III. In a post hoc conclusion I share what I learned about myself in the process in Now I Begin to See: Attention Seeking Part IV.

May we all be free of the loneliness that prevails deep within. May we be free to connect with ourselves, especially where we have learned to disconnect. May we free ourselves of the obstacles to our own love, to our own light, to our own infinite value, so that we may each connect more deeply with others without barriers.

Sanskrit Mantra: “Lokah Samastha Sukhino Bhavantu”
May all beings everywhere be happy and free, and may the thoughts, words, and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all.

Namaste.

Photo by Stuart Miles at freedigitalphotos.net

Relationships and Running Shoes: If it doesn’t fit, then don’t force it!

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Earlier this week, I was trying on new running shoes. For several reasons, it’s best for me to go to a physical store to purchase specialty shoes. The first pair I put on did not feel right before I tied them. The sales associate immediately instructed me to take them off followed by, “If you force it [to fit], you’ll regret it at about mile 40.”

His wisdom made immediate sense and may explain why I had the running injury that I’ve had… I hate shoe shopping, so I chose the first pair that worked and ran with them, literally.

This time around, I was patient through the 4 or 5 pairs of trials, which included running to find the right pair.

“If you force it [to fit], you’ll regret it at about mile 40,” is also good advice for relationships. In looking back at some of the relationships I’ve been in over the years, some were “forced fits” in the sense that I went along even after I had the feeling that things might not turn out well.

So my new perspective reveals to me that if I’m working too hard to keep things together, then it may just not be the right fit. This also takes away the shame and the guilt that can be associated with “failed” relationships. Maybe they did not fail, maybe they never (or just no longer) fit.

May we all be free from the relationships and things in our lives that no longer (or never) fit.

Namaste.

Photo by Madrolli by Freedigitalphots.net

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