Insurrection: Rising Up

insurrection

what was once affection
now turns into aggression.

what was or what I thought love was,
is now just a face to shove in the mud.

the half baked cake falls quickly
when its support structure has thusly been removed.

for twenty minutes or more,
i flail on the floor.

your words have cut
through my heart.

my pain i can no longer hide,
for so long being taken for a ride.

my degree meant nothing to you,
now i see clearly the love you withdrew.

what happened to our sweet passion?
my hopes dashed now for any remission.

broken, sobbing, what was it all for?
in front of the children, what happened to your core?

from this i have learned to fire walk,
you just keep up your double-talk.

from this i bring about insurrection,
such a sweet resurrection.

from the ashes of a woman lost,
i rise now, for myself, all worth the cost.

Namaste
__/|\__Metta
2016.02.12

Image: Google

The Osprey is a powerful animal totem for me. The “Phoenix” of the water, as it were, the Osprey dives completely into the water to grasp its prey in its specialized talons. The Osprey leaves the air and dives down out of its element (air= thoughts) and into the water, the place of emotions. I’m hoping to speak more to the Osprey in future posts. This Bird of Prey is thematic in my work, in fact my first post featured an Osprey image. 

Last night I felt the cold, again

last night i felt the cold again
it reminded me of how cold i felt in hot-assed August when i decided to ask for a divorce.
usually preferring to sleep in the nude, 

once his energy withdrew,

all i could feel was cold at night,

when not nude.
the same happened to me overnight,

the house was warm for winter,

yet under my piles of covers,

all i could do was shiver.
i miss the warmth of a loving body

next to mine.

and knowing someone is

thinking of me, regardless

if there’s sunshine.
last night i felt the cold

to my bones. 

no fleece sheets, 

nor down comforter,

nor skin & fur of sheep

could keep me warm.
perhaps it’s the withdrawal

of my fire, 

cooling it to prevent

complete burnout.
i can only guess,

but in my body and head

it’s a cold place to be

my bed.
1/27/2016

Reblog: Wise Words not Followed

The following piece was read by one of my best friends at my wedding. Interesting that the words “drink not from one cup” went through my mind just the other day, sparking this memory. To read this post later meant it could not be ignored.

Basically, the priest suggested that each of our mothers pour wine from different decanters into one goblet. The two of us would then take a sip from the goblet to symbolize our union. Immediately after that, my friend read this piece. I coughed, audibly. I don’t hide some things well… and such a detail overlooked by this Virgo, unheard of…ha! (May I never plan another wedding, planning was hell!)

I wonder sometimes if we had followed the advice here if things would have gone differently. Or maybe what we had was all there was meant to be. We do have two lovely children together, and some wonderful (and no so wonderful) memories. The bitterness has mostly faded…mostly.

Image taken on that day…my strained smile, I still am not a fan of being in front of the camera. The white dress is missing; I didn’t feel I deserved it. Would have worn black, if I could have gotten away with it…

a perfect couple, according to kahlil gibran – http://www.tunisiajolyn.com/2016/01/27/a-perfect-couple-according-to-kahlil-gibran/

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
― Kahlil Gibran

The Path of the Lotus

For the lotus to bloom
It must overcome its fear
Of the dark,
Reaching in faith upwards
towards the light.
Fighting gravity,
Fighting inertia,
Trusting its growth is true
While the murky waters keep it blind.

Feeling all alone,
One could easily give up,
Never penetrating the darkness,
Never basking in the glow of the sunlight.
Never reaching the surface,
Never realizing its purpose.

The lotus must
Hold onto some
Notion
Of its beauty.
On some level,
Even before it is
Seen.
The seeming fantasy
Begins to live once
Ascension through
Stretching,
growing,
reaching
Through the valley of the
Shadows of death,
Where her beauty belies
The darkness she feels.

The experience of fear where
The only death is the death
Of the old skin.
The old self that
No longer can survive
In the unfiltered light.
It must be left behind,
It is merely the lie,
The illusion of
You that you
Believed to be true.
The smaller self
Must be sacrificed,
Jettisoned
For the ascension
To occur.
Surrender it
To the void.

Once through the valley of shadows,
Once through the murky waters,
You reach the sunlit surface,
And you will find others there.
And you will realize,
You never were alone.
You were surrounded by
Others all along.
They too
Had to
Rise up
In faith,
That weakness
Is strong.

Once at the surface
Spread your wings
Open your bloom
To the Sun.
To the truth.
Bask in the afterglow
of the
Revelation
of the
You that
You always were.
Always have been.

Just as the seed
Of the lotus holds
The potential of the lotus bloom,
You are the seed
Of the Higher You.
Waiting for you to
Reach through.

Namaste

Photo by sakhorn38 at freedogitalphotos.net

Missing the Funeral

Today they lay his body

to its final rest.

The second father,

Of the man to which I was

Connected for half my life.

To have known such a man for so many years,

To never to have seen so much as a tear.

My heart goes out to his, his family

His mother, too.

Feeling disconnected,

From a group so once connected.

To miss such a transition.

Seems odd.

There is love

And empathy,

Sympathy in

My heart today.

Missing the funeral

Acting as if it were

Just another day,

So far away.

Perhaps tonight
I’ll call
To say
I’m so sorry
for your loss.

Namaste.

Self-Blaming in Relationships

“Did I build this ship to wreck?”

Florence + The Machine

On many levels, I have blamed myself for the relationships that  failed to root, blossom or thrive and thus dying on the vine. I was constantly playing the “what if game” with my perception of where it failed because of action or inaction on my part. By blaming myself, my failure was in not seeing all that I had gained. Perhaps the relationships had merely run their course, having served their purpose.

In truth, each relationship was a tool for my learning. Each was an opportunity to learn something else about myself. Whether there were elements to like and watch for in the future, or elements to avoid and to more quickly see the red flags.

At times, I had wished to erase the memories: painful and positive alike, just as in “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” By so attempting to clear in this way, I minimized my experiences of the joys and amplified the woes. Thus, denying myself the experience, lessons, and energy of what I actually wanted to look for in future relationships.

Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.”

– Somni-451 Cloud Atlas

May we take from each interaction a sense of what we want to create for ourselves in the next moment. By so doing, we become our own catalyst for change.

Namaste 

Photo by prozac1 at freedigitalphotos.net

Attention Seeking Part I

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It is unceremoniously and without much ado that I share with you my desire for having consistent and continuous male attention. On the surface the attention is physical. Yet it is my deeper desire to be desired by a man who finds me spiritually and intellectually attractive, not just sexually or physically.

After feeling that this post was complete and scheduling its release, I found the following quotes on the blog by Desirable Love, they summarize “my deeper desire.”

It’s easy to take off your clothes and have sex; people do it all the time, but opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, and dreams… that’s being naked.
~ Excerpt from Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections between Sexuality and Spirituality, written by Rob Bell

If you can’t get naked, you’ll never know love.
~Desirable Love

This male quest seems elusive. Dating sites bring more weeds than fruit, where so many seek FWB, D2F and those who just want to message and sext. Bars and clubs bring drunken escapades, the risk of STDs and the potential for unwanted sexual encounters. Intellectual, emotional and spiritual needs remain unmet in most of these cases, as well.

So I wear my comfortable clothes, rarely flaunting my figure or physical assets. There’s so much more to me than the physical, yet that seems to be the hook.

Alone in my desires, I often feel despair: it is a lonely place to be most of the time when I allow myself to dwell there. In the silent times I query, are my standards too high? Do I seek for love in the wrong places? Am I just not ready for this, though I long to be?

It can be a challenge to see others so content in their relationships. Yes, it appears that I am indeed “peanut butter and jealous.”Deep down I know this comparison only brings me misery, yet it can be a trip that is a challenge to avoid, particularly around the holidays.

Once I realize that I want to be free of this desire for attention and the jealousy of couples, I sit in stillness. Inside myself, I light a candle. It is the flame of knowledge that what I seek is already present within me. I fill my cup with the validation and love that I seek for externally.

Taking my lesson a step further, I find within the places where I have blocked love. I find places where I invalidate and loathe myself. Filling the open wounds with validation and love, I see again where I have within, that which I seek externally.

In the next part of this series, The Fairy Tale of Storybook Romance: Seeking Attention Part II, I explore another level of awareness related to my desire for male attention. In Part III I ask, How bad is it, really? Attention Seeking Part III. In a post hoc conclusion I share what I learned about myself in the process in Now I Begin to See: Attention Seeking Part IV.

May we all be free of the loneliness that prevails deep within. May we be free to connect with ourselves, especially where we have learned to disconnect. May we free ourselves of the obstacles to our own love, to our own light, to our own infinite value, so that we may each connect more deeply with others without barriers.

Sanskrit Mantra: “Lokah Samastha Sukhino Bhavantu”
May all beings everywhere be happy and free, and may the thoughts, words, and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all.

Namaste.

Photo by Stuart Miles at freedigitalphotos.net

Divorce: Emotional Aftermath

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I didn’t say yes to later say no.
Now the dissolution has been finalized.
Unresolved issues bubble to the surface.

Gone is the promise of so many dreams.
16 years of marriage; 14 celebrated.
Like water held in your hand; all escaped.

Sleepless nights.
Feeling all alone.
No shoulder to cry on now.

Hard to look upon the shiny Rockwellian newsreels
without pangs of guilt and shame.
Seeking to live the dream once sought.

Waking from a night of tumultuous sleep,
eyes red from dried up tears.
What happened to all of those years?

The relationship long gone,
Yet the dream still lingers.
The desire for connection still present.

So I sit with the shame,
allowing it to envelop me like a shroud.
With each moment of focus, the threads dissolve.

It is then that I begin to see again,
more clearly.
I am strong again, in me.

Now to find solace,
in the lessons I have learned.
So that I do not repeat them.

Namaste.

Photo by Serge Bertasius Photography at freedigitalphotos.net

Relationships are our Teachers

Relationships reflect to us who we are on the inside. They show us so many things about our inner beliefs that we may or may not want to see.

When a relationship ends, we often experience grief as a natural matter of course. While on one hand, we could allow ourselves to focus on the ending, we can also choose to see this as a great opportunity for learning.

After a relationship ends, we can discover our weaknesses, as well as our strengths. We can discover our wounds as well as where we have healed. We can discover where we are willing to compromise as well as where we will no longer. In essence, we can discover many aspects of ourselves.

Then we can take these lessons forward into our current and future relationships.

May we all find peace, even where we had been previously hurt, so that we may learn from our past and not be condemned to repeat it in the future.

After composing most of this piece, a friend posted this related article about complaining, that you might find interesting.

The poem that inspired today’s blog:

“After A While”

After a while you learn

the subtle difference between

holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn

that love doesn’t mean leaning

and company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn

that kisses aren’t contracts

and presents aren’t promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes ahead

with the grace of woman,

not the grief of a child

and you learn

to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow’s ground is

too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down

in mid-flight.

After a while you learn

that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone

to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure

you really are strong

you really do have worth

and you learn

and you learn

with every goodbye, you learn…

~ 1971, Veronica A. Shoffstall.

Photo by Theeradech Sanin at freedigitalphotos.net

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