I asked God what it was that I was missing as I was “doing the work” and yet felt so unhappy. My message was “to be okay with not being okay.” I needed to accept that sometimes it really is OKAY to not be okay. This year has had more than its share of heartbreaks, heartaches and tragedy: things I also see as growth – and yet with growth there is also loss for which I had not allowed myself to fully grieve.
Wow! This was a real eye-opener for me. While I could see my desired goal of where I wanted to be “in joy,” it was completely blocked because I was refusing to allow myself to be okay with where I was: NOT okay.
Recovery is about surrendering into the NOW, even if where we are right now feels like a cesspool. We worry that if we allow ourselves to be okay with our misery, that we will stay there – WHAT?! Say that again! If we are okay with our misery, we fear that we will stay there. This fear actually keeps us stuck!
It is in allowing ourselves our misery, our mourning, our grief, our anger, our fears and our sadness that helps us to rise out of the muck! The release is almost instantaneous and is proportional to the amount of freedom we allow ourselves in our wallowing. Acceptance leads to freedom.
It is in denying ourselves our true emotions that we are blocked. Trying to be rosy and cute when we feel blue and ugly serves NO ONE.
Allowing the storm requires support in some form. Trusted friends & family, a good counselor, radical self-care and self-compassion help us to get through these tough spots. We are NOT alone, even when at the lowest points it can feel that way.
May you find peace today in the places where you do not feel okay. May we accept where we are so we can let go and embrace the bliss that is awaiting us when we allow the mess.
When we bury, push against or deny our fears, we ultimately give them more power. Our fears then unconsciously control us, keeping us from peace. That is, until we choose to face our fears. Our willingness to face our fears is the first step.
Fear is held in place by holding our breaths, and contracting when the emotion reads its head; whether we’re gripping the fear, pushing it away or hiding from it.
But everything exposed by the light becomes visible–and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.
~Ephesians 5:13
You see the antidote to fear is light. When we allow the fears to surface, while breathing and allowing the emotions to move through us, we release our fears. To face our fears means to walk into the very places we have avoided, to open sealed doors and allow the emotion to move into the light. It is then that it can move through us and away from us.
While breathing and feeling where your body is physically supported:
Acknowledge the fear – open the closet doors where it has been hiding
Keep breathing while you allow the fear to move through you
This may cause you to feel physically, mentally and emotionally uncomfortable. Please stay with the breath and where your body is physically supported
The emotions will then move through and release you from its grip. When this happens, you will feel a great sense of peace.
Do your best to allow this process to unfold, this will bring you a greater freedom from your fears when you do.
Know that healing happens in layers. This same feeling may come back again to be revisited and released on a deeper level. As much as you can allow the process, the faster you can return to peace. When we question what we’re feeling, we’re questioning our own experience and creating conflict within ourselves.
When we are at war with ourselves, no one wins.
Fear is an emotion. Emotions are energy. They only get stuck when we don’t allow them to be. Facing our fears frees ourselves and others.
Bear with me for just a hot minute on this one. I promise I have not completely gone off of the deep end!
A great deal of the work I have done on this site and in my life the past year plus has been about facing my fears and sharing my journey in the hopes of helping others to do the same through Alchemy – whether I have always called it that or not. For several weeks (maybe months), I have had a desire to write about how facing my fears has lead me repeatedly in the direction of greater and greater freedoms. When I allow fear to become my GPS it has lead me in the direction of where I need to run towards, not from. Today, in researching an answer to a fellow blogger, I read how Carl Jung advocated the same here and decided it was high time to talk about this very (sometimes scary) thing.
Fat Protects
A year ago, I weighed 10-15 pounds more than I do now, even though I was more physically active – running/walking 12-15 miles/week (some weeks now I’m lucky to get 2 miles in). I believe now that my weight represented for me where I was holding onto fears and felt I needed protection. Fat, after all, is an insulator. Insulators protect by separating one media from another. My fat was my way to set a physical boundary between myself and others. Also, what better way to keep from getting closer to someone physically than to have a few extra layers around my middle?
As I have increasingly faced my fears by allowing them to exist, I have released them and my weight has fallen off without effort on my part to diet nor to exercise more. Allowing myself to feel what I am feeling has freed me. Allowing myself to love the parts of me that have felt broken, miserable and angry as fu*k, has resulted in my turning less and less to food for comfort.
My fears control me less today than they ever have before because I followed them into the abyss. I pulled up the taproots of fears I identified in my garden. If we continually run away from the weeds, they overtake us and control us. Just as any living thing needs maintenance, I must maintain my garden and learn how to differentiate the weeds from the flowers, fruits and vegetables.
My body is a physical representation (mirror) of what is happening for me mentally and spiritually. When I learned to no longer fear my fat nor my fears themselves, allowing them to be, I was able to shed my weight, my need for protection as well as my fears.
Carl Jung & Alchemy
Carl Jung, the psychoanalyst, began to recognize through his work with his clients that Alchemists were not referring to physical lead and gold, instead they were referring to emotional lead and gold. The lead represents our shadows, our fears, our unconscious drivers. Gold refers to what we receive when we face those shadows, for me that is spelled freedom.
While I have studied and practiced emotional alchemy for several years now, it was only today that I became astutely aware that Jung used these same principles to help his clients to heal. He told them that they needed to move into the direction of their fears to be able to be freed from them! This validates so much of what I have both been living and writing about. I had no idea (or maybe not so clearly) that so much of Jung’s work was in using Alchemy.
Listening to Fears
Growth and expansion are a continual process of self-awareness and introspection. There are places I still fear to go. However, what I am learning is that fears that are not faced are continually brought up again and again. Do I answer the calls of my fears when they gently tap me on the shoulder, or do I wait until they are screaming in my face and spilling from my eyes, crippling me in my tracks? The Universe escalates the call when I ignore it.
So I ask myself today and everyday, what do I need to face today? Far better to clean up my fears in my strength than when I cannot walk and facing the fear is the only thing I can do to overcome the paralysis of my prison.
The Universe “can only show you the door. You must choose to walk through it,” just as Morpheus says to Neo in The Matrix.
“Wake up! Because what you reap is what you sow!” ~ Zach de la Rocha
When we unconsciously plant seeds of fear and continue to nurture them by staying in fear, we create a garden of: FEAR! By facing our fears, we can choose more wisely to plant, nurture and harvest the seeds in life that we do wish to blossom. So which pill will it be, Neo: the blue one or the red one?
Do you want to nurture the status quo (blue) or do you want to stop the fears and stay in Wonderland forever, exploring more rabbit holes (red)?
Freedom from emotions that threaten to crush us occurs in degrees. When we allow our feelings their due course, they move through and out of us. The challenge is that in the fear of feeling we often block the process, which keeps these emotions locked in our bodies and in our subconscious. These blocked emotions then secretly direct and control our actions – because we then move about our lives in fear of feeling them. Sometimes we also find ourselves blaming others. Good ol’ projection keeps us from taking steps to fix the underlying issue that’s within us.
To sit and allow these emotions their “time in court” permits us to gain increasingly greater degrees of freedom. By unpacking these emotions, like unpacking a suitcase that we’ve been carrying around over the course of our lifetimes, lifts that weight from us and we are able to begin moving about with a greater lightness to our steps as those unpacked emotions no longer weigh on us nor control us.
By sitting through each emotion and giving it time to speak uninhibited, the emotions can move through quickly, though at times intensely.
As a passionate woman, I feel things very deeply, throughout my entire body at times. Sometimes I experience physical pain as the emotions move through. Regardless of how strong the emotion is, I do my best to give it my fullest attention until its time is done and like a cloud whose time is done, it simply disintegrates.
I know there will be more clouds, more storms and more emotions to weather. I also know that there is more freedom to be gained in allowing them all to pass through. Fighting the hurricane requires too much effort to maintain. In the end, we are only fighting ourselves.
In going through this process, I often reach out for assistance from a Higher Power. Today was no exception. For instance, I asked to be held when I felt alone. When I feared the emotions would break me, I asked for support and imagined my backbone becoming stronger and more resilient. I became my own pillar through the grace of my Higher Power.
Here are some of the emotions, somewhat in order, as I experienced them today in working through a very powerful emotional storm. We’re talking gale-force winds, horizontal rains, hail, thunder and maybe even some fire and brimstone. Pervasive emotions are denoted by an asterisk.
*Grief, sadness
Anger
Betrayal
*Unrequited desire for love
*Rejection
Emptiness
Shame
*inadequacy
*unworthiness
Being used or harvested
A desire to leave, escape, run away (GTFO)
*Longing for death Seeing visions and feeling transported back to “the house” a place of many dark memories where abuse occurred regularly.
Once I reach the “death” stage, I know I am almost done. I see this as the peeling back of the final layer of my old self. This is a form of submission, as well. Giving into the feeling allows me to be free of it, even the desire for death.
Following this process, I often feel a sense of relief. Sometimes I can feel a lingering sense of mourning, as in a way, part of me has died. At this stage, I set about asking my Higher Power to fill me with Love, support, acceptance and anything else that I feel I need in that moment. It is then that I am often overcome with a great sense of peace. Sometimes I feel somewhat tired, other times I feel energized. Regardless, I always feel more free.
Here are some of my observations over the four plus years I’ve practiced emotional alchemy:
The more we can weather, the more perfect the storm becomes.
The higher we fly spiritually, the deeper we must dig emotionally.
The desire to leave often precedes the desire for death.
The stronger the emotion, the more it needs to be heard, the more freedom regained.
The more I dread and avoid the process, the greater the rewards when I allow it to occur.
Please join me in gaining more degrees of freedom!
The law of the conservation of energy states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it is merely transformed.
Emotions are the energy of feelings. When a strong emotion we do not want to feel presents itself, we so often tell ourselves or are told by others to “let it go.” While we can let go of our attachment to the emotion, we cannot truly let go of the emotion itself. When we focus on letting go or block an emotion, we are not truly moving forward. Using the conservation of energy law, the emotion must be transformed.
To transform an emotion takes patience as well as the faith that the emotion cannot harm us. Sitting and allowing the emotion to move through us, instead of expending energy to block the emotion, allows us to then transform the energy of the emotion into something useful for us.
One of my favorite transformation analogies revolves around the death of the caterpillar before the butterfly can be born. Prior to becoming a butterfly, the caterpillar anchors to the bottom of a twig or other solid object, then sheds its skin. The caterpillar then forms a chrysalis, while inside disintegrates completely into an amorphous goo. It is from this substance that the butterfly is formed. Frequently living feels like dying…
So often in life we feel that we are falling apart, being broken, even dying (or wanting to die). These are all signals that we are undergoing a transformation. It is imperative during this time that we breathe and focus on where we are supported, even if the only support we feel is the place we are sitting, standing or lying down. After the emotion passes through us, we can then choose who we want to use our newly transformed energy.
This is not a true death, it is merely the transformation we are undergoing at that time. Prior to organizing at a higher level, there is chaos. Just as inside the chrysalis, the caterpillar is broken down, we too must break down before we can build back up. I call this deconstruction. This, my dear friends, is the conservation of energy in action: transformation of an emotion from one form to another.
Sometimes the most simple tools,
are the ones that last and endure.
Look at the knife, the hammer,
the wheel. Ancient tools that we
still use. They are simple and in
their simplicity, they are still useful.
This is the case for the tool that I
am about to share with you here.
It’s simple. It’s applicable. It’s effective.
Emotional Alchemy
The pain which we carry
and weighs us down,
has within its core
something quite profound.
The black coal that blocks
our light, when lit on
fire creates a golden glow.
It fuels us in our transformation;
our metamorphosis.
It is so simple that it is often
overlooked. How can my pain be
so heavy, and this Alchemy process
so light and still work?!
Just as the soft water
over time wears down
the edges of the hard rocks,
continual and consistent use
of this tool, smooths out the edges
and turns boulders into river rocks.
When an emotion, even one that
seems to overwhelm, appearing
as a Tsunami wave on your horizon
sit calmly, breathe,
allow it to crash onto your shore.
The first 500 times or more
can cause the desire to flee.
Instead just sit and be.
Allowing the emotion to
wash over, through and into
you, giving it the attention
it so desires and needs,
turns that Lion into a Lamb.
There may be smaller waves
that continue to wash ashore,
seeking your attention.
Give it to them.
Letting them know that
you truly see them, can
feel them, puts them in
their right perspective:
a drop vs what feels like
the entire ocean.
For once the Tsunami is
cleared from your horizon,
you will see with greater
peace and clarity.
Know there will be many
Tsunamis, with each one
you simply allow to be,
the easier it becomes
to sit and not flee.
You see, it is in the
allowing of the emotion
that sets us free.
It can be such a scary
thing to face,
yet what you’re
feeling is an important
thing to embrace.
The energy once spent
in denying the waves’
existence, gives you the
power to use the gifts
and talents, to become
your higher purpose
without blockages.
So sit my friend,
allow the emotions.
Actions may be able
to kill,
but sitting in the muck
of what you need to feel
cannot.
Once felt, the emotion
fades. It leaves
behind the fodder in
which new seeds,
the things you desire,
can be planted. So now
fill your heart, mind,
and being with what you
want to create.
When presented with a situation that brings about unwanted emotions, we can choose to deny what we’re feeling. We can also choose to dive headlong into the emotions. If we are fully present during the dive and we allow the emotions to lead the way, we can heal the current suffering as well as the suffering that has remained unhealed from our pasts.
For instance, in being present today with the feeling of rejection, I first experienced the events of the day and the past week. In staying with and breathing through the feeling of rejection, I quickly began to experience and see situations in years past where I felt rejected.
On the outset of this journey, I believed all of the rejection feelings were from the past week. It did not occur to me until I rode the wave to the shore that the vast majority of what I was experiencing was actually from my past. Had I stopped riding the wave too soon, I would have missed healing the core, the source of my misgivings.
By being willing to sit, be present and breathe through the rise, peak and fall of your emotions, you can heal both your present and your past. The more you heal now, the less you carry forward into your future.
Releasing the burdens that weigh you down frees you and others in your life from suffering. Hurt people hurt people. So let’s each do our part to start anew!
It stings the eyes, it burns the chest. There is a disconnect when one feels betrayed.
The moment comes when we feel that someone else did not honor us. Perhaps a boundary was overstepped, we were pushed too far. Or that the boundary was completely obliterated, as if it had never existed. I don’t know that there is much of a difference in how one feels compared to the other. Either way, there is a strong desire to escape.
It stings the eyes,
it burns the chest.
There is a disconnect
when one feels betrayed.
In allowing the blood stained waves to lap upon my shore, eating away at the sand under my feet, I begin to feel off-balanced. Wave after wave of sadness, anger, guilt, shame and the desire for vengeance keep me off of my center. I choose to sit still now, while the hot tears fall down my face, leaving a trails of pain from burning eyes.
Salt enters the wound
at its weakest point.
Burning moves up from
chest to the throat.
Sounds are no longer heard, felt or uttered. Sitting still in the red tide, allowing wave after wave to pass through my body. The pain peaks. Then I rise above the surface of the water. It is here that I begin to float.
The pain remains there
yet it affects me less.
The tears dry and
I find my footing.
What at one point felt intolerable now feels bearable. It is now that I can stand up as the tide recedes. I plant my right foot and then my left. I begin to place one foot in front of the other, almost as if I were a toddler; I need to focus on each step forward. I brush off the sand.
I leave the beach
alone and now stronger.
I take with me
a brand new perspective.
I turn around to see the sea. How different it looks when it is no longer engulfing me. How different I feel from atop the tall dune compared to being “in it.” Next time, I will be the wiser, less likely to fall prey…maybe.
Overcoming emotional turmoil is about knowing that we are stronger than our emotions. As children we are taught to fear our emotions, to push them down, aside, away… anywhere but here, maybe we’ll deal with this later, we were taught. This gives away our power to what we are feeling, and we then become slaves to our emotions.
The truth is that by sitting with what we’re feeling makes us stronger. Breathing, crying, trembling, as we’re feeling what we’re feeling – and feeling it fully – is walking through the shadow of death. It feels like death. It is not death. It is merely a shadow.
Holding and loving ourselves mentally and even physically as we would love a child who has a scraped knee; while we feel our feelings quells the pain of the emotions. It’s like riding a wave. It will rise up in a crest, and that’s when we most feel like we cannot handle it. That is precisely when we most need to keep riding, because like the wave it then crashes. Have faith that others have survived the wave. Have faith that you can, too.
My dearest friend, know that you are far more resilient than your feelings. By pushing them away, they only become more scary. Like the shadows in the dark, when you turn on the light and look at them, you will see that the scary shadow no longer exists. See the shadows for what they are: mere illusions. These shadows are not you. You are not your emotions. Love yourself while you ride the emotional waves and turn on the lights. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of loving you.
Sometimes these emotions can pop up at the seemingly most inopportune times. Ride their wave as much as you can. Like our phyical muscles, our emotional muscles must be strengthened through repeated overloading. Build your strength. Strengthen your emotional resiliency. Ride more waves. Love yourself more deeply.
These are the keys to open your cage. There can be many layers and sometimes it can feel like they are endless. Sometimes it feels like you’ve already done this (This, again?!) Keep riding and keep turning on the light. Keep loving and being gentle with yourself.
Just because others have not loved you the way you needed to be loved does NOT make you unlovable, broken, or unworthy. They couldn’t love you for you because they didn’t know how to love themselves for themselves. No one taught them, either!
So my love, love you for all of you. Even the “shadows,” turn on the light and love. You will see that the shadows are where you were taught to fear yourself. The shadows hide your strengths, your gifts, your greatest contributions to the world. Fear them, not.
My dearest friend, the magic is in you loving and accepting yourself for yourself. This is the alchemy. This is the turning of coal into gold.
Go forth with your light on. Be your Golden self. Love you. Hold your inner child close, do for her what no one else has. Love her. Fully. I know you and I know you can do this.
In Love, Light & Faith,
Tiffany
P.S. When you fall in “just keep swimming,” and get back on top of that wave!
