The Fear of Being Loved

For as long as I can remember, I have sought for love. Perhaps it is the hopeful and “hopeless romantic” within (see Enneagram 4). There has always been this underlying feeling of being incomplete; an irredeemable deficiency as described by Ian Morgan Cron, a fellow “4”.

In diving into this incessant need to be loved and even validated through relationship, I found that underneath the push, that I have deeply fear being loved. Initially, this was quite a shock for me to see. Yet, in looking back, I see this has been clearly reflected to me, repeatedly ad nauseam, in the men I have been in relationships with. Heck, I can even see it play out in my friendships.

Every man I’ve dated and many of my friends have been in some way unavailable, most in multiple ways: emotionally unavailable, lacking time, have lived far away, had too many other commitments, or were still stuck on their exes (the latter is in regards to dating, obv). These are not pock shots at anyone, I share this as it is a direct reflection of where I was unavailable; even if my being unavailable showed up differently….

I seem to be like a moth with the flame. While I want to be in close friendships and even in a lovingly relationship, I am now acutely aware of where I have not wanted to get too close. I push forward, then I pull away. This is indicative of having a fearful attachment; where I both seek love and yet when I find it that very love is also scary AF.

Taking things a step further, I see where it also plays out with my children. While I have improved some, there are times when I feel there is something “I must do right now” on my phone or a chore in the home, when in reality, the majority of the time it really could wait until later; meanwhile my kids wait for me to finish my task. I put them/love on hold instead of putting the task on hold…

This had been unintentional/unconscious on my part. Now, I see where the push and pull has negatively affected me and my ability to relate with others. With this new awareness in mind, I have been doing body scans, observing the places where I feel contracted. It seems to be helping, because I’m noticing I’ve becoming less afraid to live unfiltered; more authentically.

May we each see and acknowledge our fears, to release ourselves from their grip. May we each recognize and accept the places in our lives where we have blocked out love; allowing us to love more freely. 

Namaste

A very helpful meditation to help with sitting with anger

 

Catch 22: The Desire for & Fear of Connection 

For as much as I seek love and call in the energy of a well-matched available lover, I also fear His presence in my life.  In the past, feeling unworthy was part of the Catch 22, yet sifting through the muck I see more. 

For many years I’ve questioned the  existence of an available and mortal man to love me and all of my seeming messes. While I now believe in the possibility of a mortal man to exist, I harbor fears now that question my ability to meet him. Fears of rejection, abandonment and betrayal have been pervasive. Even though their intensity is diminished, these fears still exist.

As much as I desire to be fully seen, I also fear it. There’s also a huge fear of the level of connection and vulnerability that a match would bring. To be held accountable and unable to hide at such a high level causes some level of fright. So once again I find myself waffling and uncertain. This makes for an inability to bring to me the very things I desire. 

With each weed that I have pulled from my garden, a new weed is uncovered. It is my choice what grows in this garden of mine. Now to figure out how to cross that bridge to get to where I am pulling fewer weeds and instead spending more time nurturing the plants I want to see. That is where I seem to be, once again working to change my focus from what is wrong to what is right.

Namaste

Post-script:  Writing is my release, the healing salve I need to gain perspective and rise up again (and again). After scheduling this post, thus releasing another layer of fears, my mind found the memory of acceptance: 

What will be will be. The Universe conspires to make what needs to happen to happen. Ultimately we’re all connected. 

Related reading “Love Made in Heaven” about twin flames


The Very Thing I Want Scares Me

The very thing I want,
to me is so fucking scary.

To breathe life into something that is bigger than me.
To be valued & to value someone that is True.
To be truly held & to hold truly.
To be told & to tell Him there is more to do to be better; yet to be Loved and to Love for who We are right now; today; in this moment.

To be held & to hold within sacred heart spaces; Our most protected places.
To be naked before Him & to see His matched vulnerability; yet each to be venerated for it.
To be treasured and to treasure the very things for which We were previously shunned.
To be fully trusted & to fully trust.
To be desired for & to desire for a special man; one matched & balanced flame. No shame, no blame.

These desires bring flowing tears to my eyes.
For to have this would be such a prize,
Yet as much as I desire to run to it,
in equal measure I want to run from it all.

It seems so much easier to just hide than to take a chance on this ride.
I want to shield myself from the Sun of your love,
lest you see all of my flaws…
Leaving me to burn, once again, all alone.

Related poem: Vampire Skin

Namaste.
__/|\__ Metta

2016.02.14

image: google

Falling in love

DSC_9947

Like a newborn baby, I swaddle in love all of the parts of me that feel:

vulnerable

abandoned

unwanted

undesirable

I wrap my heart around those pieces that feel:

broken

afraid to be naked, exposed or seen

afraid to love…and to be loved…and to receive or give love.

~~~~~

With each moment that I allow more love for me, the more I am able to love you.

I give love to those parts of me that have held me back. They did so, out of the only love they ever knew, which was fear. Now they receive my attention and the tension resolves. They melt like butter in the hot sun of my own love.

Please join me today is giving yourself a little bit more love, compassion and grace. The small things do add up.

Receive your own gifts. For as we each learn to receive our own love for ourselves,  we free ourselves to both give more love to and receive more love from others.

Namaste

Photo by author, 2011

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