The Shame of Success


I won the first round, as we opened the second, I won 3 hands in-a-row. The jokes at the table then began to be directed at me, they knew who would win each hand. This perception felt like a cut, stated somewhat begrudgingly. While I did win the next round, there were others at the table who were only one hand behind me. I felt shame and apologetic. For what? For winning?! 

This is part of the story of my life. The difference is that in the scenario above, my success was out in the open. It was not something I could hide like my grades, my certifications, my degree, my accolades and praises. 

For most of my life, I have felt shame for my successes, some hard fought to show and to prove to myself and others that there’s nothing inherently evil or wrong about me. 

This irony is the razor’s edge of living with shame. We’re afraid to be good, too good, and yet we’re also afraid to show our crap. It’s all a trap! Each type of shame just holds us back from our own greatness. 

It’s time to break free of the shame that binds us and tethers us to a mediocre reality. Each of us in our very own captive AND prison warden. As such it is up to each of us to let loose the shackles, to stand up and shine the light that is our uniqueness. This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Marianne Williamson, see it below. 

Come now, join me! It’s time to show the world what we’ve been hiding: Our bright, beautiful, superbly unique selves. This planet needs us to shine on. Walk through the fire of the lies others have told you about what’s wrong with you: the good and the bad. Once you reach the other side, you’ll find yourself transformed and more resilient, ready to show more of your light in your own, intentionally unique, magnificent and beautiful way. This is your permission to shine! Let’s roll! 

Namaste

The Shame that Hides Us


The voice of shame puts us down and keeps both our darkness and greatness hidden from ourselves and the world. “Who am I to be great?” is as much the voice of shame as “there is something terribly wrong with me.” These, and thoughts like them, keep us isolated and afraid of revealing ourselves. 

I’m speaking to you as much as I am to myself. For much of my life I’ve felt as if there were something inherently wrong with me, to the point that when something in life goes wrong, I’m the first to lay blame on my own shoulders. This belief has also been the fuel to pushing me forward at times as well as the weed that chokes my breath and keeps my paralyzed. Neither is really healthy. 

In trying to hide my faults, I’ve isolated myself, repeatedly, only allowing people to get but so close. While I can share things that many would consider too private, I struggle with maintaining that level of intimacy and vulnerability for any length of time. My fears of rejection and abandonment then become self-fulfilling prophecies and once again I find myself feeling alone. 

It is my goal over the next month to consistently post on a weekly basis about things that I’ve found shameful; things I’ve tried to hide. It is only when the light is shone on the darkness that healing can persist. I’m tired of hiding. If you’re still reading, I’m guessing you are, too. 

Please feel free to share any stories in the comments, on your own blogs or feel free to Gmail me at Tiffanybeingfree. 

Namaste

Resisting Self-Acceptance

Last week I decided it was time to step up my game and face some fears I had been skirting. So I meditated 5-8 times that day. Each day since I have continued at least 3 bouts of meditation per day to help clear out my fears…and to meet my spiritual goals.

In this time I’ve noticed some shifts that were positive. I’ve had a greater sense of peace and calm, overall. My intuition has become more on point. It has become easier for me to have clarity where once confusion reigned. It also seems some of my most challenging patients are improving suddenly (unexpected bonus).

Yet, I’ve just recognized that it is as if I am at battle with myself. In my quest to become a better person, I am resisting where I am right now. This is building more resistance and no wonder my craving for “sweet treats” is on the rise (and my libido and creativity have all but disappeared). While I’ve been healing on many levels, I’ve also been at war with myself on others. The loss of my creative drive and the increased sweet tooth are signs for me that something is “off.”

While it is important to “shed my old skin” to grow into the next level, it does not aide in my growth to resent or resist the skin I am in now (figuratively and literally). 

Once again I see where Love is still conditioned. To love oneself unconditionally, that means accepting myself for who I am today and then paving the way for greater growth (and I don’t mean my waistline).

So again the edges can be sharp in finding the balance between what is and what is to be…the razor’s edge sometimes can cut deeply when unaccepting of what is; focusing on pushing the advance. Learning to truly Love oneself means loving the parts that seem less than ideal.  For these are the areas where the Love is most depleted…and thus the most needed. 

Feed Love to the parts that are depraved of Love to be able to feel complete. 

“Clark, you can’t run in fear. Your gifts are who you are,” Martha Kent on Smallville.

Namaste and Metta

Guided Meditations:

Connect with the Love Within You

Metta Meditation 

Sexual Deviance? (NSFW)

As a self-described Type-A controlling Alpha woman with a doctoral degree, I was very surprised when I was turned on by a man telling me how to dress and how to impress him. Yet it turned me on even more when he said things like, “I like a woman who can follow orders.” While I could enjoy the imagery of other women being handled roughly, it was never something I considered for myself as alluring…

Having just separated from my then husband, my sole partner for nearly 20 years, I was completely aghast and astounded. What the fuck is this? I kept asking. The arousal was undeniable. I wanted to please this commanding 6’4″ man; which gave me a sexual rush I had never experienced before.

Perhaps the allure of being dominated is the honesty and confidence it takes to tell someone what you want; for both to be open and honest about their own boundaries. Having been in a predominately passive-aggressive marriage where needs were outright ignored and subverted even when clearly stated or met through manipulation there is great freedom in knowing what one’s partner wants; and in being honest with myself about what I want.

In fact, I see now where I sought out men who would not attempt to sexually dominate nor intimate me; a mirror for my own sexual inhibitions and shame. For example, at the time of my separation I was both taller (5’8.5″ vs 5.7″) and weighed more than my ex (233 vs 215). Now, 56 pounds later and I’m not sure the weight comparison, but yes, I’m still taller! (smile)

BDSM: A Mental Illness
Until 2013 with the publication of DSM V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), BDSM was considered a mental health disorder. Now, mental health researchers are finding that, perhaps, adults who consentually participate in BDSM (bondage-discipline, Dominance/submission, sado-masochism) may in fact be more psychologically healthy.

Yet, even with this change in perspectives from a mental health and diagnostic standpoint, there still seems to be a great deal of shame placed on this community; many hide behind a cloak of shame (or at least anonymity).

Dominance/submission Seen Energetically
I see the world in terms of energy. The balanced male/masculine energy is electric and moves generally in straight lines (think hunters, spears, bows/arrows and lightening). The balanced female/feminine energy is magnetic and moves in many directions, concentrically (think “gatherers,” knitting/weaving as well as magnetic field and gravity lines).

Together, the balanced male and female* energies work together beautifully. The feminine draws to her the masculine through her magnetism. She draws in the energy of the ethers/the matrix, it is his electricity and structure that directs hers. Consent is required for her to truly give over her energy to him for directing. Thus when working together, he channels the energy she has gathered. In this model, she is submissive to his dominance. To me, D/s now makes perfect sense. (feel free to comment if you need me to expand this further).

*Let me be clear here, I do not feel that this means that only heterosexuality is normal nor that he is always dominant while she only submissive. Instead, I’m talking here about the underlying energy dynamics of the D/s relationship. 

There are switches (those who change between D/s and M/F roles), as well as feminine Dommes with masculine subs. Even in F/F and M/M homosexual relationships, there is generally the more masculine (and thus feminine) of the two. This model would still apply in those situations in my mind. What I refer to here is the overall energy of the relationship. 

Silent all these Years & Tired of Hiding
For most of my life, I have suppressed my own voice; afraid to sing both literally and figuratively. I feared my own voice, in some ways I still do.

Meanwhile I have also placed my own hips in bondage having restricted their movement when I walk, when I dance; afraid to let them move too much and thus bring unwanted sexual attention. I now believe this restricted movement resulted in my hip injury while running.

For so long now, I have hidden behind my fears; my shame. This blog, tiffanybeingfree (TBF) was created as an avenue for me to be truly free; uninhibited. Yet, sexually, I felt that for me to be able to express my truest desires that I needed to hide. It is my hope that you will continue to follow me on this journey of self-discovery, as I believe it can help you to find more freedom within yourself. For each candle that is lit in the darkness, we each can see more clearly.

Perhaps this new unfolding means that train has stopped for you. Regardless, I wish you well!

Namaste. Love in Light and Darkness!

__/|\__ Metta

image: google

2016.02.07

 

Reblog: Mental illness thru photographs

From The Feathered Sleep, please like and post to her!

It’s Not All In Your Head. Consumed: Mental Illness Through Photography (January Update) – http://wp.me/p5HZVU-ki As you know, I keep this site mostly for my work, but this is too important not to share. Those who are mentally ill are made more so by the judgment levied upon them. All written work sole copyright of […]

https://thefeatheredsleep.wordpress.com/2016/02/03/mental-illness-thru-photographs/

Fear of Being Too Much

The small Alice of the looking glass has permeated so much of my life. My fear of vanity, of fully seeing and appreciating the help I give to others and the beauty that emanates from my being are all minimized. This prevents me from realizing my dreams, sometimes even from dreaming them. For instance, I’m afraid to date a man more attractive than me. “What do I have to offer him?” is my constant refrain (pun intended).

I discovered this week in Mirror Work Day #1 that I fear wearing beautfiul clothes on the regular because I don’t feel I deserve to look nice. For so long I thought I dressed down to avoid male attention; it is only recently that I don’t cringe when I feel being seen sexually by “others” that I’m not involved with in that way.

Over the past month, I’ve walked through many a fire without shedding more than a tear or two. Recognizing that this fear of being too much brings forth a wellspring of free flowing tears. So here I sit openly crying for the little girl inside that I have so long suppressed. I see now the pain she has carried separately from me for so long, being forced into cramped spaces by my hand! I shower her with love and gratitude for carrying so much for so long. Allowing her to reintegrate into my body and being.

Alice, it’s time to grow big now. Eat your smaller self, grow up into the woman, the Goddess you were put on this Earth to serve others with. Fear not your size, the white rabbit nor the holes you must go down to follow him into the Underland. It is only in the shadows that you can find your light, your true strength; your brilliance.

Just when the caterpillar in its chrysalis thought the world had come to an end, it became a butterfly…

To the reader: what fears hold you back?

May we all do something today that spreads our wings, pushing the envelope just a little bit more.

Photo credit

1/25/2016

Shame about Sexuality


Shame.

It fills the crags, crevices

Each nook and cranny in my mind.

(No wonder I seek for love and

Attention to fill it.)

Shame is

Buried deep below the floor,

The things I didn’t want to

Think or feel anymore.

His hands on my oh so young body,

His grandson on top of me.

The images,

Feelings,

Fear,

Sensations

return to the surface,

Only with the help of hypnotherapy.

Easy to dismiss,

Many have,

And I wanted to, too.

Hell, I had dissociated it all

For over 30 years….

The telltale sign,

Besides feeling my body

Was never a safe place to be?

It was the set of nerves for pleasure

That were stimulated.

To not want to be there,

In that situation,

To feel pleasure,

Even momentarily,

In that position.

It all told me that

Yes, Tiffany,

this

Did

In

Fact

Happen.

The mistrust of my

Own body and its

Desires

Was sealed.

Until I was

Weak enough

To say

It’s high time

To get healed.

See also “Sleeping Beauty: The Backstory of my Sexual Shame and Years of Abuse” 

See Wandering Chrysippus “The Voice of One Crying-Out in the Wilderness” for his blog about childhood sexual abuse from a man’s perspective.

Photo by Stuart Miles at freedigitalphotos.net

Self-Hatred is a Vicious Cycle

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The more I have, the more I want.
The more I want, the more money I need.
The more money I need, the more I need to work.
The more I work, the more I want to play.
The more I play, the more I spend.
The more I spend, the more I need to work.
The more I work, the more I want to reward myself.
The more I reward myself, the more I eat.
The more I eat, the more I weigh.
The more I weigh, the worse I feel about myself.
The worse I feel about myself, the more I feel devoid.
The more of a void I feel, the more I things I want to have to fill it.
And the cycle starts ’round again!

Turns out it is all just a distraction
from that which I am truly seeking.
Inner peace, happiness from within.
Change my focus from the external to the internal.
It is there that I fill the void.
Involution leads to evolution.

Namaste.

The Elephant in the Room

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The elephant in the room must be acknowledged before it can be asked to leave.

Look at it.  See it.  It fills the space with its size.

Open the door,  show it the way out.

Then you can fill the room with all the thoughts you actually desire to be there.

Namaste.

Photo by TAW4 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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