Stopping the Insanity of Dating

At a young age, I fell in love with the concept of love. I believed that to be in love with a man meant that all of my problems would go away. The knight in shining armor was a frequent fantasy of mine, though, he was rarely wearing armor in my mind. Ironically, it turns out that in reality the men I’ve been romantically involved with have had armor that was hidden, just below the surface. And so did I. 

When I decided that I wanted to end my marriage nearly 3 years ago, I believed that I would seamlessly walk out of his arms and into the arms of the “man of my dreams.” It’s great for me that this did NOT happen. For starters, I’d not have created this blog (today is my 2-year anniversary blogging, by the way!). Secondly, I would have just made the same damn mistakes that I made in my marriage; because I still hadn’t learned to love and respect myself. Thirdly, I would never have discovered that the love that I have been seeking all along has always been in my own heart. Finally, I never would have trusted in my own love. I did not believe that my love was enough, so I sought it in others.

I see now where I was running around, panhandling for love, seeking to put a few coins into my mostly empty cup. To seek that love and meeting of needs from someone else has only left me feeling disappointed, resentful, hurt and depleted. It is also crazy-making to seek from others something they can never truly give if they themselves feel broken or inadequate. Broken hearts only create more broken hearts. Hurt people hurt people.

So at 41, I’ve decided that I’m done with having a broken heart. I’ve decided that I’m over sorting through potential dating partners through on-line dating, or searching faces in a crowd for “him.” I’ve decided that I don’t want to waste any more of my life looking for something “out there” that is really within me. Only I can love myself the way that I need to be loved. Only I truly know my own needs enough to meet them fully.

The path to this decision has been tumultuous, unsteady and at times damn right frustrating. Now that I am here, I have a sense of peace and release that I have never experienced before. This decision has freed me to be myself more than ever before. This decision to stop dating, to stop beseeching, to stop putting myself in situations where I put my heart, and sometimes sanity, on the line has lead me to a new discovery; the well of my heart runs more deeply than I ever could have imagined.

While I still believe that there exists a “man of my dreams” and that I will meet him one day, it is imperative that until then, that I fill my own cup. If he is truly the man of my dreams, he is learning to do the same for himself.

Cheers to filling our own cups! Cheers to filling our own hearts with the very things we seek from others: Love and Acceptance. May we each find the peace and love within that we deserve, no longer only seeking it from others.

Namaste

broken-window

drowning

i said i wanted to learn to swim
so you threw me into the deep end.

i made it to the edge again
exhausted & weary, barely breathing.

when i said let’s do this more slowly
you threw me into the ocean blue

the waves took me under
i struggled & struggled

disoriented, i swam downwards
unable to following the rising bubbles

overwhelmed, i felt myself drowning
you didn’t see me struggle; ignored pleas to slow down

caught in a riptide, cast out to sea
i wondered, did you ever hear me?

drowning, my please to learn to swim
escaped my lips as gurgles & bubbles

maybe i need a new instructor
one who doesn’t leave me drowning…

 

Full moon, Blue moon

ID-10082072It’s calling me…

And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping
The moon tells me a secret – my confidant
As full and bright as I am
This light is not my own and
A million light reflections pass over me
Its source is bright and endless
She resuscitates the hopeless
Without her, we are lifeless satellites drifting
-Tool “Reflections”

The full moon shines on the areas where we need to work.

The blue moon,  the second full moon in the same calendar month,  is an intensification of the regular full moon.  So your “stuff” will be magnified,  calling you to look at it, acknowledge it and ultimately to love it.

It can be challenging to love the parts of us we were taught to hate.  Pain,  resistance,  low energy, anger and sadness (to name a few) are the parts of us that need love the most.

Wrapping all of our unwanted parts in love after getting to the heart of the matter,  reduces and can dissolve the pain.

Only you can cry the tears you need to cry.  Only you can love you the way you need to be loved.

So love on you tonight.  Thank your pain,  it shows you the way.

Namaste

Image courtesy of Exsodus at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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